Hello all!
My wife (30) and I (38) have been married for a few years. We split chores and both of us are happy with the split. However, we recently moved into a much bigger house and both of us had to take on more chores, but I am growing more and more annoyed by the day by the poor nature my wife does her chores. Instead of putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher, she leaves them in the sink for me to put in the dishwasher, when she does laundry, she overloads the washing machine causing it to break, or adds too much soap forcing me to redo the entire load. If she does load the dishwasher, she does it in a way that will jam the machine (blocking the cleaning arms). We have a lid on our garbage bin in kitchen, instead of throwing things away and closing the lid, she leaves it so the garbage spills out of the lid (even if the garbage is empty), leaving me to actually put it in. If the garbage is full, she just keeps throwing stuff on top, causing it to overflow, the bag to rip, and leaving me to handle it. A bunch of stuff like this. I have spoken to her about this time and again, shown her how loading the dishwasher/washing machine incorrectly can break it, begged her to throw garbage in the trash, not just leave it spilling out or overflowing, even asked after a while if this was weaponized incompetence because I cant understand why this keeps happening, but she claims that she is trying her best and I am a jerk for expecting things to be done my way and its unfair to constantly correct her. AITA here, my wife is smart and I just cant understand how after this many times of asking and showing her over and over, these little things are still done so poorly.
This sounds like weaponized incompetence to me. Your wife continuously does things badly in the hopes that you will just take over these chores.
My thoughts exactly. Textbook weaponized incompetence. NTA
This would drive me fkn NUTS, NTA, it’s not expecting things done “your” way, it’s expecting things to be done RIGHT. Idk what it could be other than weaponized incompetence, because as you say, she’s not stupid.
NTA for being annoyed.
Talk to her. She needs to understand everything you just listed here. It’s something you as a couple have to deal with because seemingly it has to be solved asap.
NTA. I live with one of these types as well and I feel your frustration. It’s definitely weaponized incompetence and manipulation to make you just give up and do it yourself and not say anything about it anymore. I wish I had a fix for you, but the only thing that has helped my situation at all is couples therapy, where they can hear another outside person call them out on their poor behavior and habits. And even then the change is slow and small and they fight it every step of the way before coming to terms with being wrong.
NTA.
Try leaving your wife to sort out the mess she has created. She is an adult and should be able to cope on her own. If she asks for help on sorting the mess then you can give advice about where she is going wrong. Stepping in earlier may seem like the right thing but she is obviously taking this the wrong way and not learning from it.
Alternatively, swap chores around so that you both have chores that can be done successfully without the input of the other person.
Man idk what to tell you because I dumped a boyfriend for this exact reason, but you’re married and it’s not as simple as that, so I guess I would suggest marriage counseling? This behavior is mind boggling to me. She’s doing it wrong on purpose, she knows she’s doing it wrong, it’s easy to do it right, but instead of just doing it right, she’s digging her heels in and insisting on doing it “her way”, specifically because you’ve asked her to do it properly. For me this was so infuriating that it was a deal breaker. I’m not being with someone that breaks my appliances in order to prove that I’m not the boss of him or whatever the logic is. Anyway NTA. A marriage counselor will hopefully point out that there is an actual right and wrong way to handle appliances, and it’s not controlling for you to want her to do it right, and in fact it’s rude and disrespectful to do it wrong on purpose.
Yea marriage counseling is the only answer here.
NTA. My hubby drives me around the bend with how he does housework. But, he’s a great cook, baker, and does the snowblowing all winter. So, I tolerate, but am annoyed 😆
Nta.
But stop fixing the problems she’s causing. Make her correct it otherwise nothing will ever change
I would normally say its weaponized incompetence. But it started only after the move? What changed?
Time for a serious conversation. Something is going on. Wether it is her being overwhelmed by the whole moving (god, moving is so overwhelming) or something else, it must be figured out quickly so it won’t brew and cause resentment.
NTA
NTA —but even though this reads like she has “weaponized incompetence”, perhaps try a different tactic. You don’t like how she does her chores, so switch chores. Tell her you will do the dishes and the laundry and trash and she can do whatever it is that you do. My husband simply can not replace the trash bag without a temper tantrum. Now I take out the trash and replace the bag. He does the grocery shopping because I hated how long it would take. If she’s still incompetent, you all have bigger issues than chores.
Definitely NTA. Sounds to me like she’s the poster child of weaponized incompetence. Did she have these same issues before the move, or is this a new development? As others have commented, these would be grounds for breakin up if you weren’t already married. If it was me, I’d start to give her a warning to shape up or ship out. I personally would not allow that kind of disrespect from my roommate, let alone a girlfriend or wife.
Do you both work? Does she have a demanding job? Has she been ill? Do you think she may be tired or not feeling well? I had to ask. From what you’re saying, it does seem like she is either doing a bad job on purpose, or the best she can. Regardless, it would be great if you two could have a serious, open conversation about this. I’ve seen this before, except it’s always the man who doesn’t clean. And the outcome is always hiring a cleaning service