My wife’s best friend (Jessie) lost her husband about a month ago. My wife has been at her home almost every single day since. My job has me being on call some nights and money is tight so I can’t not be on call.
I know Jessie is struggling but it is stressing me out a ton to be a basically a single parent since my wife is never home. I have talked to her about cutting back but that ends in an argument about me being heartless.
Yesterday I was on call and I actually got called in. I couldn’t leave our two daughters home alone ( 6 & 9) so I called my wife telling her she needs to head home now, I need to leave. She told me no, and to figure it out.
We don’t have the money for a sitter, my parents live too far away, her parent aren’t allowed near the kids ( they suck) and my friends have their own lives/families.
So I packed up the kids and one my way to work dropped them off at Jessie’s house. My wife was pissed that I did that.
When I got back we got into a huge argument and I told her that she actually needs to be a parent. That I am very sick of her playing house at Jessie’s house and we have our own kids.
She thinks I am “ a heartless fucking man” and I told her to be parent to our own kids
NTA.
It is extremely unfair and emotionally manipulative for your wife to be calling you ‘heartless’ and to be putting the weight of being financially responsible for your family, and the childcare, entirely on you to figure out. She is a wife and mother before she is a friend, and her duty to make sure her kids are cared for and her husband has the ability to put food on the table comes first. If this was a week, or even two, I’d say you need to grin and bear it and let your wife wholeheartedly support your friend…but a month is completely unsustainable and shows no sign of slowing down.
She told him to “figure it out.” He did. If she’s not coming home, he’ll bring the kids to her. Done and dusted. Agree with all you said.
NTA
I sympathize deeply with Jessie but her husband didn’t die yesterday, it’s been a month.
Not that a month is anything significant in terms of grief but it’s not in emergency territory.
You’re completely right IMO, you can’t be a single parent. You have bills to pay.
NTA.
So she basically wanted you to either choose between getting fired or leave your minor children unattended and risk cps involvement?
Your wife is neglecting her children. She needs a reality check. There’s being there for your bestie and then there’s completely disregarding your responsibilities. Jessie needs to call some family if she needs this much attention or consider impatient care.
I wonder if Jess really wants/needs her there this much. Honestly if I was in that situation, having friends around sometimes would be great, but I’d also want and need some time alone without someone hovering. Maybe the wife has some type of angel/helper thing and this just makes her feel good whether or not it’s what Jess wants and needs. This is excessive on the part of OP’s wife and interesting if it’s really what Jess wants. If it is, then I agree Jess needs to call upon other friends and family.
This is a fair point as well. Like is she genuinely asking for this much attention or is OPs wife just doing it. OP also commented that Jessie has kids too, so I can’t help but wonder if she’s doing parent tasks for them while she’s there all the time.
Either way choosing to just neglect your children is absolutely unacceptable to me. As well as calling your spouse heartless for expecting you to be present.
Something is going on here. I think the kids need to stay with their grandparents for a weekend, so that you two can sit down and sort this out. My hope is that she was just feeling overwhelmed, and liked the “being a support” excuse for some time with no kids. Maybe it’s something else, but you can’t go on like this and she owes it to your family to be honest. I wish you all the best.
A day with a grieving friend is needed, a week is kindness, a month when you have kids at home is bizarre
Neglect is the word you are thinking of, not bizarre. The wife is neglecting her family big time.
Her parents aren’t allowed around the kids sounds like she probably learned how to be a shit parent from them
Good point
Exactly! By the title I thought that perhaps it was a day or a week but a month? I know her friend still need support after a month, but to the extent that the children can’t be around seems extreme
I would find it 100% normal to be with my bestie for a month for life’s tragedies. Years, if she needed it. The big difference is, I’d have just moved her into our home while she grieves. That way I can tend to everyone.
NTA.
This sounds more like an excuse to get away from you/kids than it does helping a friend.
There is something bigger going on behind the scenes.