Hi all – I hope you guys can help. Me (25M) and my partner, who we will call Felix (25NB) are finally getting married and organising our invite lists to sort the invitations.
My brother has been estranged from my parents and only communicates with my dad on birthdays and Christmas etc. He never talks to my mum hasn’t hasn’t made effort to contact her in over 6 years. This is due to a lot of negative experiences from her in childhood which were quite serious which we both sustained under their roof. She’s a giant narcissist and has made many choices which has lead to my brother cutting contact.
My brother was in a 4 year long relationship with a guy we will call James. They broke up 2 years ago very messily and my family have remained in contact with James since the breakup. My mother always got involved in arguments, fights or decisions in their relationship and my brother was openly uncomfortable with their close relationship. When he expressed the boundary, James and our mum got even closer. James is a very good friend of our family now – even to the point it’s quite odd. My mother refers to him as my brother and all of us are a bit uncomfortable. James and her talk daily – and he comes to their house every holiday. I can’t imagine the loss of losing her son and not being able to see him – and we all think it’s empty nest syndrome.
My brother isnt the nicest person – he was always quite physical when we were growing up and would purposely attempt to hurt me if possible. It wasn’t anything serious like abuse but it was a definite red flag. We talk every now and then but we aren’t close – and I would go to the fact that James and I are a lot closer. He additionally treated James awfully and cheated on him near the end of the relationship to the point he contracted an STD.
My brother lives across the country – but James has admitted that if my brother is at the wedding, he won’t be due to the healing process he is on. He’s been in therapy due to the breakup and the treatment he had from my brother during the course of their relationship. My brother expressed he would like to come but will keep his distance from my folks. We are having a small wedding with family and a few friends (35 people aprox) so it would be difficult for him to keep his distance. He also wouldn’t know anybody there as we are not accepting plus ones unless we know them personally.
I don’t want all this awkwardness and tension on my wedding day – so I made the decision to invite James and not my brother – my brother is very disappointed in this and now quite angry that I would choose his ex boyfriend over him.
Am I the asshole for choosing James over my brother? I feel awful.
Reddit help 🙁
INFO:
So you have bad parents, a mom that is narcissistic, but your brother managed to break free. Mom is using his ex as a sort of placeholder and a way to play pretend she’s all right, and you’re contemplating inviting your bad parents and the ex vs your brother?
YTA-I feel sorry for your brother that he hast to deal with Family like you and your mother
YTA. The only one that’s NTA is your brother. Have you considered that the reason he was the way he was is due to your family? It’s not an excuse, and I applaud him putting himself first.
Frankly, you’ve all replaced him with James anyway, so just leave your brother aka the family scapegoat alone so he can heal without having to deal w/ his narcissistic family. Yes, OP, that includes you.