I am a stay at home mom. I was out of town to attend a wedding for 3 days. My husband and our kids were to be at home.
While I was gone he got sick, which I understand butttt when I walked in the door the house was a mess. Toys everywhere and dishes every where.
So I asked him what happened here and he basically said that since he was sick he focused on feeding the kids and getting through the day. Okay, that’s good but the house is still a mess.
I told him it wasn’t okay and that he should clean it up now that he’s feeling better.
He just said he wasn’t going to clean it.
I thought he was joking at first. I told him he’s feeling better now so there’s no excuse not to. He basically shrugged and said that might be true, but he still wasn’t going to clean it.
I said it was lazy. He said it might look lazy to me.
I said he had today to deal with this before I came home. He said maybe that was true, but while he was sick he chose to focus on the kids.
So I told him he needed to fix it now. He repeated that he wasn’t going to clean it.
At one point he even said he’d be willing to hire cleaners. I said absolutely not since that’s shared money and I’m not okay with spending it just because he didn’t keep up with the house.
So I told him fine, then clean it yourself.
He again said he wasn’t going to clean it.
I asked if he was seriously just going to leave the house like this. He said “for now, yes.”
I told him I wasn’t okay with that. He said he understood that I wasn’t okay with it.
I called the situation ridiculous. He said I might be right.
Finally I asked him what his plan was.
He said he was comfortable with how he handled things while he was sick and that he was comfortable leaving it as it is for now.
That was basically the end of the conversation. To his credit the the second day after I came back, he woke up that morning and cleaned everything and more. And then left for work at 10. I texted him thanks but he didn’t respond. It’s just ridiculous that it had to be this way because when I’m sick I still do the chores while he got to have his sweet time resting until he decided it was time to clean up shit. I’m honestly annoyed how he in that argument he kept repeating variations of the same thing and made me feel like I was arguing about my own feelings with him and that makes me feel so small.
YTA. If he was sick and still managed to feed the kids and get through the days alone, that’s already doing the important part. A messy house for a day or two after that isn’t the end of the world.
It also sounds like he wasn’t refusing forever. He even offered to hire cleaners and then cleaned everything the next morning anyway. Expecting the house to be perfectly handled while he’s sick and solo parenting for three days is a bit unrealistic.
ESH – There were so many better ways to approach this, and both of you took none of them.
YTA. He was sick at home alone with the kids for 3 days. That’s survival mode. Cleaning the house is not important in those circumstances. You owe him an apology.
YTA and how you handled it created the escalation. Try being a team and less of a finger pointer. You will get further in a marriage/relationship.
YTA you were away on vacation. He was home with the kids and sick. He managed to keep them fed and happy. You should have jumped in to clean the house.
Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. When one person is down, the other should jump in and pick up the slack.
ESH. You and your husband communicate like people who don’t like each other.
I travel a lot and it always pisses me when I come home to a shit show, but your partner was sick.
You should have been kinder.
YTA. He was sick and coping as best he could while home alone with multiple kids for 3 days. You walked in the door and immediately berated him for not keeping the home spotless? If the roles were reversed, people would be crucifying a husband who did that.
You owe him an apology.
If i’m sick (woman here for the record) I’m doing the bare minimum to survive, for me and the kids.
YTA. You could have been nicer
ESH. Terrible communication.
I used to get annoyed by my husbands self care when he was sick, but then I realized women are just trained to martyr ourselves. So now when I’m sick, I let as much go as I need to, and give myself a chance to rest, delegate tasks, etc
Coming back to a messy house is frustrating. Being home with three kids sick while your spouse is gone having fun is frustrating. You both could’ve showed some empathy and grace.
When you’re sick, you still do the chores, but has he pressured you into doing them?
Also – you can have a cold and be highly functional, or you can be very sick with fever and headaches and whatnot and totally unable to clean, so kids become #1 and life simply gets in “survival mode”. Plenty of time to clean when you feel better, which apparently he did.
A caring partner would ask “how are you feeling” after being away for 3 days, not stir up shit related to cleaning.
YTA
So while you were away having fun for three days, your husband took care of the kids though he was sick. And the first thing you say to him is “what happened here”? And the second was “get cleaning now”? Definitely YTA.
YTA. He was sick and kept the kids fed and safe the mess could wait a day, and the fact that he cleaned it the next morning makes this feel more about control than the house