I (24M) am part of a friend group made up of teachers from my workplace. My older sister (29F) is also part of the group and actually helped me get my current job. She’s a very valued member of the teaching staff, and when she asked the principal’s team if there might be a position for me, they gave me an opportunity. This was last year.
My sister was already part of this friend group (teachers roughly ages 25–40), and they included me as well. Since then we’ve all gotten quite close. In particular, I became good friends with Jacob (fake name, 34M), and even though he moved to a different school this year, we’ve stayed in touch. Last week he told me he’d be celebrating his 35th birthday later this week.
The issue is that he invited everyone in our friend group except my sister.
A couple of nights ago I asked her what time she was arriving at the party, and she told me she wasn’t going because she hadn’t been invited. She didn’t seem very upset, but she did think it was strange, especially since she invited him to her own birthday a few months ago. At first I assumed it was just a misunderstanding and that he thought inviting me meant she’d come too. But another friend from the group, Katherine (fake name, 35F), messaged him to ask whether he had invited my sister, and he left her on read.
Later he sent my sister a message saying something along the lines of “you can come if you want.” By then she had already decided not to attend because she hadn’t been invited directly, and the choice of words rubbed her the wrong way, so she decided she definitely wouldn’t go. After hearing that, I told her I probably wouldn’t attend either because I find very distasteful to invite everyone in the group except one person, especially when that person is my sister. She told me I should still go because she knows that Jacob and I became good friends while working together, but I’m struggling to feel comfortable going under these circumstances.
The problem is that I’d feel guilty if I skipped his birthday. We became close pretty quickly and I really value his friendship. But I also can’t understand why he would exclude my sister, who’s actually been part of the group longer than I have.
So, WIBTA if I didn’t attend his birthday because he didn’t invite my sister?
Just to clarify: there’s no awkward history between them. Jacob has had a girlfriend for many years, and my sister is a lesbian, so I’m confident the reason for not inviting her isn’t related to anything like that.
NAH, but I think Jason really should explain this stuff before jumping to conclusions. It could be something your sister is leaving out for instance.
NTA. Deliberately excluding one person from a group invite especially someone who invited you to her own birthday is a snub, and the “you can come if you want” non-invite afterward made it worse.
Your sister is even telling you to go, so it’s your call, but skipping to show solidarity isn’t unreasonable given the circumstances.
as an older sister i wouldn’t go honestly- mostly because i know i’d spend the entire time wanting to confront him on why he didn’t invite her and that’s not the time or the place for that. he made his decision on who he values as a friend and you two can respond accordingly without disrupting his bday celebration 🙂 NTA
Maybe he just lost touch with her when he moved schools?
They do not talk as much as before but I know they message each other from time to time. Him and I are much closer tho, we chat practically everyday.
So it sounds like he’s just much closer with you than her. Maybe she’s the only one of the group that hasn’t kept as in touch with him? She could have slipped hoods mind if they talk often now.
I would go and celebrate your friend. Your sister was unbothered until you made it a big deal it sounds like. You don’t have to have the same friends as your sister. Go. Have fun.
NTA. If you’re close with Jacob why not ask him yourself why he didn’t invite your sister?
NTA (maybe).Why not just ask Jacob why he didn’t invite your sister? He may have a perfectly valid reason why he didn’t (can’t think of one, but I’m not him). Besides, since it’s his birthday, he has every right to invite whoever he wants.
He absolutely has a right to invite whoever he wants, but that doesn’t mean I can’t find distasteful to invite absolutely everyone from the group except for one person. Also, my sister asked me not to say anything because she doesn’t want this to become an issue and spoil his birthday celebration.
NTA. Just text him and tell him due to your sister not be waned there, you will not be coming. IF he wants to talk about it you would be happy to meet him for coffee.
You say there is no reason but that just doesnt make sense. Why, well:
He was invited to hers but didnt invite her to his.
A friend asked why and he left her on read
When called out he message her a less than half assed invite, that ANYONE with any sense would know was insincere.
So even if YOU don’t know why, he definitely has a problem with your sister. Its incomprehensible to me that you cant see it. So unless he is actually had feelings towards your sister (i think this is likely) my next guess is that its the fact that she’s a lesbian. I personally would dump him as a friend. If he were a real friend he would have already spoken to you about his issues with your sister.
I know for a fact that the issue is not that my sister is a lesbian. I’m gay as well and he doesn’t have a problem with me, plus he’s bisexual. I don’t think he has any feelings for her either.
YWNBTA – I’m sorry and probably an unpopular opinion but, where I understand the stance of “I don’t have to invite someone if I don’t want to”, when that invite is not extended to one person and is a blatant exclusionary tactic I can’t respect it.
I have invited people I don’t like to my birthday parties for the simple fact that if I hadn’t, they would have been the only one not invited. I would have felt awful and looked like an assh*le in which case it would have harmed me more than them. Pettiness serves no one well.
He may be someone you have become close to but you have to think of something. He’s 35 and this is his emotional intelligence and maturity being demonstrated right here. If he gave the friendship he has with you the same value you are putting on it, he would have invited your sister for your sake.
Unless your sister has done something truly awful to him this juvenile behaviour has no place anywhere.
He denies its because she’s a lesbian or that his friend is attracted to her. He’s in denial if he thinks it was “just because”. Someone’s gonna feel stupid when the truth is revealed….