i (19m) am trying to understand an argument i had with my friend “a” (21m) about a week ago. i have a longer version posted somewhere else but this is the gist of it.
i met a online but we live in the same state and started hanging out in person. so i introduced him to my irl friends b and c. things were going well until about a month or so ago.
all 3 of them planned a last second hangout with me. i still live with my parents and my mom can be a little controlling. which a already knows. that night she told me i wasn’t allowed to go out so we canceled. apparently they showed up at my house anyway, but i had no idea they were there because they never came to the door, just sat in the car. later i found out a was angry that i didn’t go outside anyway.
about a week later we hung out after we had another disagreement (that was unrelated. it involved my abusive ex, and a chose to support him, which already upset me.) during the hangout he brought up the house situation and said he thought i was pretending not to know they were there. i told him i genuinely didn’t know they had shown up! but he didn’t believe me, so i dropped it. later that night my mom asked me to come home because it was around 1am and i had chores the next day. a drove me home and it didn’t seem like an issue. we talked about maybe hanging out again the next day and were both pumped.
the next day my dog had to go to the emergency vet, so i couldn’t go. a texted me furious and said i had flaked on him three times (i don’t remember a third time and he didnt explain said third time when asked). he called me a liar and insisted my mom never asked me to come home. he also said i probably lied about my dog and accused me of being jealous of b and c for moving out which hurt because i’m proud of them, which ive told all 3 of them im happy for them and have done my best to show it. when i asked why he thought i was jealous, he didnt explain again.
i apologized for missing the hangout and said i never meant to hurt his feelings. i also told him i felt like he wasn’t being very understanding of my situation, and he said that sounded manipulative. he then said i had been reposting shady reels about him and was disappointed in how immature i was. i checked my reposts and didn’t see anything like that, and he wouldn’t explain what he meant. i told him he might be taking things too personally if he thought i was posting about him, but afterward i felt like an asshole for saying that.
so, was I too harsh? im worried about hurting his feelings.
we’re still friends and he hasn’t brought up the incident, but I want to apologize if I was wrong.
he too grown 2 be acting like tht he needs 2 grow up
I thought this at times after the argument. but I know hes 3 years older than me, so I just figured.. im younger, im probably less mature.
If what you posted here is the truth NTA as he seels to be projecting his insecurities on you
I had to condense it a bit, so im a little scared im missing some kind of important info that can save him. I told one other person, I showed them the whole chat. and they called a selfish and said he had no empathy for me, which I felt was too far because hes been great to me besides these few things. I met him when I just turned 18 and now that im 19, ive had a year to know the guy and he seems overall great.
You weren’t being harsh, your comment was more about pointing out how he was taking things personally rather than attacking him. From what you’ve described, it sounds like he was reacting more to assumptions than facts, and you handled your side of it calmly. It’s normal to feel a bit guilty, but wanting to clarify your perspective doesn’t make you an asshole.
I feel so, so bad. he was pretty pissed I even said it, and he never spoke of it again. but for a year now hes said I was immature after any disagreement, and hes older by 3 years, so I figured maybe im just too young to understand.
” he said that sounded manipulative”
That’s called projection, bud.
There are people, lots of people, that need drama in their lives. If it doesn’t already exist because of other people….people like “a” will create it themself.
I think it would extremely unwise to ever confide in “a” about anything or to trust him on anything important to you. He will likely use such information and situations not for your own good.
I also think you need to speak to “b” and “c” alone and explain things to them about how things have been going on with “a”. You might need to consider telling them that you don’t want to hang out with “a” anymore.
b and c stopped talking to me. ive had issues with c stealing money from me, bullying me at school, and etc it almost ended our friendship. but we were young, so I let it go. (12 and 14 vs 19 and 21) so I just hoped c at the very leas, knowing me all these years would get it. but b blocked me, and c unblocked me just to never text me. a is the only one I still speak too. I guess im just scared they know something about me that I dont. im willing to accept it if im the issue, just wish b and c told me. a friend of mine irl said that a was being selfish and had no care for me, but it felt a little harsh and I defended him. hes done quite a lot for me, so I just feel so bad for saying something that upset a.
NTA. You didn’t do anything wrong. You can’t control your mom’s rules, and it’s not your fault they sat outside without knocking or texting. Getting mad about your dog going to the emergency vet and accusing you of lying is way over the top. You already apologized and tried to explain, he’s just jumping to conclusions.
Ive never really told someone anything “mean” before, I think maybe Im just worked up about it because its never happened?
NTA. You didn’t do any of the things he’s angry about. You didn’t flake on your friends, you didn’t know they were there which is totally reasonable because it doesn’t sound like they made any attempt to make their presence known. You didn’t bail when you had to go home at 1am, your mom asked you to and 1am is also just a reasonable time to go home. You didn’t lie about your dog to get out of plans you had a genuine emergency. He’s mad at how HE decided these interactions went. I had a friend like this once and while I won’t tell you to cut him off because that’s entirely up to you, I will tell you that my social life has improved drastically now that she’s no longer a part of it. Friends should give you the benefit of the doubt, not try to villainize you when things don’t go exactly their way.
I really do love a. hes great to me outside of disagreements. he usually says he cant wait until im older because Im just so immature as a teen? so, I guess im worried I shouldn’t have said that he was sensitive because its immature as well. im glad things are going better for you. right now, a is my only friend
INFO: Was there a reason that nobody in the car texted or called after sitting outside your house?
EDIT to add vote: NTA. I think a is the problem.