I (25F) have been best friends with “Lily” (25F) since we were kids. We grew up together and even lived together all four years of college, so she’s basically family to me. She’s one of the most important people in my life.
Over the past couple years my lifestyle has changed a lot because I’m preparing to apply to medical school, and honestly it has taken a big toll on me. I work, volunteer, and spend a lot of time studying. When I do have free time, I usually prefer more low-key things like getting drinks at a quiet bar, going to dinner, or doing daytime activities.
Lily still loves going “out out”. Crowded bars, staying out very late, bouncing between places, etc. She’s also a lot more social than I am and enjoys meeting new people and boys when we’re out. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s just not really my scene anymore.
The issue is that when we go out in those environments together, our energy totally clashes. I end up feeling exhausted and ready to go home after a while, while she wants to keep the night going. I start feeling like the boring friend because I want to leave early. And then it always turns into an argument with my other friends, and everyone and villainizes me for wanting to go home. But, when I tell them I don’t want to go out, they peer pressure me into coming.
Last weekend she asked me again to go out bar hopping. I tried to be honest and told her that I am sick of hanging out with her in that way, and that I’d much rather do something lower-key together.
She took that really personally and said it sounded like I don’t like going out with her at all. I tried to explain that I love spending time with her, I just don’t love crowded late-night bar hopping specifically. Unfortunately the conversation escalated and turned into a yelling match, and now we haven’t spoken in a few days.
I feel awful because I never meant to hurt her feelings. She’s incredibly important to me, I was just trying to be honest about what I actually enjoy doing.
AITA for telling her I don’t enjoy going out to crowded bars anymore?
NTA and I don’t see how that could have escalated unless there is something else going on between you or with her or some details missing.
Unsure. Maybe its bc I have been canceling on her a lot. There has been some tension ever since I told her I was applying to med school.
You need better friends. NTA.
NTA, I went throught this years ago in uni with a friend group; I stopped going out to the clubs with them because a) I felt exhausted of being out late + working part time + juggling my courses, and b) it was costing me a decent amount of money as well (drinks, cover fees, coat checks during cold months, etc ain’t cheap).
They didn’t take it well at the time either. I found new friends at school clubs instead to do low-key activities with (board game nights instead as an e.g.), although some of that other friend group eventually talked to me again years later when they also stopped doing the night life.
What you’re describing is perfectly reasonable on your part, you gotta take care of yourself and you want to get your priorities straight.
Edit: I do agree with another post though. That your word choice – “I’m sick of hanging out with you in that way” – could’ve been better.
NTA
However, if your exact words were “I’m sick of hanging out with you in that way” it probably could have been worded better. I can see how a 25 year old would take this and run with it. If the ages were older I wouldn’t even give this caveat.
INFO: did you say you were sick of hanging out with her? Used those words? Because if you did, that’s more than enough to trigger a shouting match even if you tried to clarify.
NTA. Maturity comes in different ages for different people
NTA but you may be outgrowing this relationship. Your priorities are different and that’s ok. Whats not ok is feeling pressure to go out. If she’s not willing to grab a coffee to maintain a relationship, then she’s not a real friend.. because going out out vs grabbing a coffee are very different energy expenditures.