I am (31) recently my only son out of five children had his third birthday party. His father and I were changing our twin girls. My mother and the rest of the group knew that we were changing their diapers. My mother decided to pick up my 3-year-old son and show him the cake. (My 11-year-old confirmed this) Obviously he’s going to want it right then and there. Instead of waiting for us she got everyone to start singing Happy Birthday. Without his parents, great-grandmother, aunt and someone that is like a family member. When told to stop because the parents were not in the room she continued. My mother always takes videos of the kids blowing out the candles and being sung to. The one time I am not there she chooses not to have somebody take a video. I was going to let it go. Then I heard her talking about people not liking each other. When I called her out she got mad and left. So a few days later on his actual birthday. I decided to get an ice cream cake and take it to my grandma (the Great Grandma that missed singing happy birthday to him) and we sung Happy Birthday with my other kids and his other grandma. My mother saw it and the next day tried to call me out and talk bad about me with her friends. Brought up our past because we don’t have a great one and that is her fault. I did not grow up with my mom. She gave me and my brother up when we were just three and four. My grandma raised us. But our mother raised my younger sister. When my older daughter was about six or seven I let her come back into our lives and let her see her grandchildren. So she brought up on Facebook how I hurt her by "not letting her see her grandchildren" the last time I saw her before that I was 14 I didn’t have my oldest until I was 20. Back to the story of the cake. When I told my side of the story her friends were shocked and did not side with her so she deleted the post. So I’m wondering AITA for not letting my mom come sing to him on his birthday?
NTA she’s selfish and inconsiderate. Actions have consequences.
Obviously NTA, but you should probably go to therapy since you’re even questioning this
I think that it’s important for you to ask yourself whether having your mother in your life benefits you or creates pain and stress for you. Then ask yourself if having your mother in your children’s lives benefits them, or if it gives them messages that undermine your family.
Sure your mom wants to be in your life and their lives, but apparently once in there, she wants to do whatever the heck she wants to do, no matter how much it hurts others or how inappropriate it is. You are under no obligation to invite her in to do this, however.
Your mother burned her mom card long, long ago. It was incredibly gracious and forgiving of you to allow her back in. But what she did with the cake and the singing — excluding you and the grandma who raised you, even when she was asked to stop singing — while it might not be the biggest deal in the world, tells you a whole lot about who she is. The symbolism kind of hits you in the face.
You get to do whatever you like, including her, excluding her, doing whatever needs to be done to avoid letting her hurt others or being hurt yourself, and you’re still NTA.
You’re a wonderful person who cares about other people’s feelings, including the feelings of the mother who abandoned you. If you need to step away because she’s hurtful, you get to do it. If you decide to put up with her in limited doses, you get to do that. If you decide you need to cut her off, that’s OK too. You’re NTA in all of those scenarios, including the cake scenario you describe, which sounds like a brilliant solution.
You actually gave me a lot to think about in just that first paragraph. So thank you
NTA. Sounds like she wants the perks of kids and grandkids, but none of the ‘having to consider what the parent of the child wants to do.’
she speedran the birthday without the parents and then played victim online
yeah no, that’s not how that works
NTA, straight up.
Your mom went full main character at your kid’s party..snatched him up while you and dad were literally wiping asses, started singing without waiting for the actual parents, ignored everyone telling her to chill, and then conveniently “forgot” to record it like she always does. That’s not an accident, that’s petty af
Then you fixed it the next day with a chill ice cream cake thing for great-grandma and the people who actually missed out. Normal move. She flips it into “she won’t let me see my grandkids” victim post on FB, drags up ancient drama (that she caused by dipping out when you were 3–4), gets called out by her own friends, deletes it. Classic
You’ve already let her back in on YOUR terms after she ghosted you basically your whole childhood. You don’t owe her prime grandma access when she can’t even respect basic “wait for the parents” etiquette
She wants to sing happy birthday next time? She can learn to act like a guest instead of the star of the show. Or keep crying to her mirror. Your call was solid
NTA. Your mom was thoughtless then doubled down by posting on social media instead of apologizing. Good for you on establishing boundaries and not letting her make herself a martyr!