Me and one of my friends have been close for about a year. She used to be pretty fun to hangout with, but we’ve had some serious issues. She constantly bad-mouths our other friends to me (who she knows I’m close with) and gets mad when I don’t agree with her. She makes every situation about herself and victimizes everything people do to her.
Last year, I cried multiple times because of her: she would make me feel inferior and small. One time, me, her, and her fiance were hanging out (he constantly badmouthed me so I was pretty uncomfortable with him). I would just kind of sit and go on my phone while they hung out and she would flirt with him and sometimes even his other guy friends. Since I struggle with feelings of being left out, this honestly made me pretty sad sometimes. And most notably, one time, I was venting to her and a mutual friend about super personal issues, and she butted in and changed the topic to her and her fiance as I was mid-cry (pretty rare for me to cry in public, BTW). She has almost no empathy for me or my other friends.
I’m not sure how to distance myself. We work together, and because she’s my co-worker, we have to be on okay-ish terms.
The main issue is this: every time I try to step down from being her close friend, she immediately realizes and will start crying. She says that she feels left out (because me and our 3 other co-workers have deliberately left her out of dinners and functions a couple times). Every time she confronts me, I basically just play along, say I didn’t mean for it to happen (total lie), and continue acting like everything is OK. She also has family issues which I am sympathetic of and may explain her behavior, but I have been seriously hurt by her too many times for letting my sympathy be the saving grace of our friendship. AITA for essentially being fake to her? Do I fake being close with her (like I’m doing now), communicate my issues (communicating with her is seriously difficult), or try a gradual push away (also difficult)?
ESH, mainly because you haven’t said anything it sounds like. Have you told her how you make she makes you feel? Have you said anything like hey I’m not dealing with this Behavior anymore? It’s very reasonable to not want to be friends with her anymore, but have you even tried to explain why?
NTA. You can bet that she badmouths you behind your back. Try to slowly disengage so that she can’t see it as a clear choice on your part.
Well she’s not your friend first of all. You now know that. No need to explain anything or engage on the topic, she knows what she does. The tears are manipulation attempts. be impervious to it. Ignore her crying and histrionics and keep being just polite at work, only speaking politely and cordially when necessary for work. Really. ignore anything else….no reaction….you don’t see or hear it. NTA obviously.
ESH because I guessing you are an adult. Part of adulting is choosing who you want in your life and being honest about that. You’ve cried in public and private multiple times because of this person. It’s hard to understand why you would be anything but polite at work and that’s it. As for her, she just sounds mean and manipulative.