Myself- 35F and partner- 38M dating for 4+ years
1. Background
• I went out of town for my dad’s birthday.
• I reconnected with family members I hadn’t seen in about twenty years.
• I especially bonded with two cousins I grew up with, one male and one female.
• My male cousin and his wife were especially warm and invited me to come visit where they live.
• It felt really good to reconnect with family after so long.
2. The visit
• A couple days later, my cousin called to say he’d be passing through my area on his way home.
• He asked if he could stop by for a little bit to see my new house.
• I recently bought my first home, I’m proud of it, and I was excited that a family member wanted to see it.
• I informed my partner ahead of time. He couldn’t join because he had family plans with his kids.
• I kept him updated about the visit and didn’t hide anything.
3. What actually happened
• My cousin arrived around 8:30 pm.
• I made some food.
• I had two glasses of wine; he had a couple drinks he brought.
• We caught up, talked about family, and I showed him around my house.
• It was just a simple, normal, family catch-up after twenty years.
4. My partner’s messages during the visit
• Partway through the visit, he texted asking what we were talking about and where we were sitting.
• He said it was suspicious that it took me longer than two minutes to reply.
• I was trying to be polite by not staring at my phone while I had a guest in front of me.
5. The accusation
• Out of nowhere, he told me he “wouldn’t be surprised if I ended up sleeping with my cousin.”
• I was shocked and told him that was inappropriate and disrespectful.
• Instead of calming down, he escalated.
6. The escalation
• He insulted my family background and said I came from a broken home.
• He told me I don’t understand what a normal relationship looks like. Or what is normal to do with my family?
• He insisted anyone would agree with him.
• He dismissed everything I said when I tried to explain why his accusation was hurtful and out of line.
7. How I’m feeling now
• I feel confused and rattled.
• I don’t think I did anything wrong by spending time with a family member, especially after reconnecting with them for the first time in decades.
• But the way he reacted is making me question myself.
• I’m genuinely not sure whether I crossed some boundary or if this is an overreaction.
8. My question for Reddit
• Was I wrong for having my cousin over and not texting much during the visit?
• Is this a normal reaction from a partner?
• How would other people interpret this situation?
NTA, no it is not normal to be accused of fucking your cousin.
Your boyfriend has some serious issues. Doesn’t this just give you major ick?
It definitely concerns me and hurts a lot when things like that are said to me in anger.
Is he like this a lot?
If you had a friend who was being treated the way he treats you, what would you say to her? What would you want for her?
And I would tell her no one deserves that kind of treatment even if their partner is upset 😔
That’s solid thinking. Even when people argue or disagree, respect is a core part of a healthy relationship. Lashing out and attacking you like that isn’t how anyone should be treated.
Reddit, especially these subs dogpile on people with “break up! Your partner is terrible! Red flags!” and that’s a lot to hear sometimes.
So I’ll just leave you with this: your partner, possibly the person who you are closest to in life, should not be the person who hurts you the most.
I 100% agree with you. Thank you so much for taking the time to sit and write this. I really do appreciate it so much.
NTA and omg so many red flags I’d say run from your “partner”. Sounds more like your captor.
First, you are ALWAYS entitled to take more than 2 minutes to respond. The fact that you even felt the need to explain you were being polite and not looking at your phone tells me that your partner is controlling. You could literally be sitting on the sofa by yourself, scrolling on your phone and if he texts you, you still are entitled to finish what you’re doing and think about a response and take your time if it’s not a good time mentally to respond.
Second, the fact that he asked where you were sitting, talking about and then accused you of cheating is horribly offensive to you! You can’t be alone with a man without sleeping with him? You can’t be trusted to keep your promise of loyalty? Even if he was an old school friend, no relation, your partner owes you an apology for this accusation.
Third, he then makes the gross accusation that you’d sleep with your cousin. And his reason is that you come from a broken home is ridiculous – so many people are children of divorce these days, they’re not all incestuous.
Fourth, claiming you don’t know how to handle a familial relationship is also messed up. He’s basically positioning himself to be able to control you by saying you don’t know what is ok or not ok in relationships, which leaves him in the position to tell you, and then he gets to treat you and shape the dynamic of your relationship anyway he wants and if it makes you uncomfortable or you don’t like it, well that’s just because you don’t know any better – bullshit gaslighting to bulldoze over your feelings and control your behavior.
All of this controlling behavior on top of being 14 years older than you (he was 34 and picked up a 21 yr old?) is all manipulation to control you. I’m 38 too and I say run from this guy, what he’s saying about family relationships is creepy and not normal and your behavior is normal.
Edit because i hit post prematurely.
NTA. That seems like some seriously controlling behavior by your partner.
I think that most of us can manage to entertain an opposite-sex guest in our homes without sleeping with them, let alone a relative. What on earth does your partner think that you get up to when you’re at work, on trips, etc.? More importantly, what does he get up to in similar circumstances that would lead him to this speculation?
\[I’ll leave the age gap alone as I suspect that Reddit will focus on that, perhaps rightly.\] \[Edit for punctuation.\]
NTA. Your partners comments are disturbing and giving 🚩🚩🚩
NTA. Your partner just gave a shit ton of useful information about him, about his values, his view of you, and his way of thinking. You should break up.
It’s BOGUS to accuse a partner of sleeping her her cousin. Like WTF. It’s insane to apply a test like ‘you have 2 minutes to answer my text or else I’ll be suspicious’. It’s ridiculous to need to know where in YOUR OWN HOUSE you are at any point, for any reason.
Then it wasn’t just a flash of irrational insecurity on his part. He completely doubled down by insulting your upbringing and dismissing every feeling you were having about it.
Fuck that guy. You deserve so much better. Minimally you need to recognize that by expressing these expectations, your partner is effectively looking to isolate you and make you feel like you can’t have friends *or even family* without breaking some crazy ‘rules’ of how to behave in this relationship. This is pretty much the starter deck for abuse.
NTA. It is normal to have a family member visit at your home. It is normal to ignore your phone when you are entertaing a guest.
What is not normal is your BFs reactions here. In what alternate universe do you accuse someone of wanting to sleep with their own cousin. OR freak out when your partner isn’t replying instantly to your text. Or any of the rest of it really. Your BF is controlling, jealous, insecure and sounds more than a little unbalanced. That is one massive parade of red flags. You need to seriously re think this relationship.
This is Red Flag behavior predicting future abuse. The control increases, your external contacts are decreased, and maybe more.
If you can, end this relationship.
NTA. Your BF is a frigging psycho. What an absolutely disgusting, horiffic idea. “Anyone would agree” with him? NO ONE WOULD AGREE WITH HIM.
“I wouldn’t be surprised if you slept with him.” Wouldn’t be surprised!??!? WHAT??!?
Has HE had sex with HIS cousin?!? Is that normal to him? Is that something that happens all the time where he comes from?
Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. You did not do ANYTHING wrong. Not even remotely. He should be thrilled for you that you’re reconnecting with family. This entire line of questioning was completely out-of-line, and an absolutely disgusting accusation. So, so, gross.
No, you did not cross a boundary. But also, no… this is not an overreaction either. This is something absolutely psychotic. To call it an overreaction is a major underreaction.
Your partner, who has kids with another woman…criticized YOU about not understanding a regular family because of broken homes. HE created a broken home for HIS kids.
Kick him loose.