Here is the situation and back story.
My immediate family is small, never had any grandparents, just my parents and my younger brother. Our christmas’s together are nothing short of relaxed, peaceful and pure quality time together. It’s my most favourite day of the year.
I (26F) have been with my partner (30M) 9 years, he has joined us the past few christmas’s – because he wants to spend Xmas with me. My family have welcomed him with open arms. He has moaned in the past about how we spend our Xmas (i.e we don’t drink, we open presents, eat good food and watch TV), I appreciate everyone’s Xmas day is probably very different.
His immediate family is large. He has his parents, 2 nan’s, 2 brothers and their wives, and 10 nieces and nephews. His parents tend to go to see grandchildren in the morning then come home for the rest of the day. Some years they may have other family join (brother, mother). Other times not.
Last year we had his parents, nan and niece round boxing day where we basically redid Xmas day, cooked, presents, celebrated. It was lovely.
This year my partner has said he wants us to spend Xmas day with his parents, as it is only fair. We have really fallen out. I have told him I will always spend Xmas day with my parents. It is just something I cannot and will not budge on. I do feel extremely selfish, but I truly feel if I spend Xmas day with his parents I will do nothing but cry all day.
He is calling me selfish, why would he marry/have kids with someone as selfish as me. His parents are going to be all alone, I’m such an awful person. He is never going to spend Xmas day with his parents again because of me. You get the jist.
I am not stopping him going to his parents, I never would. But I do not want to spend it apart from mine.
My thoughts on this are firstly that he has a very big family, with many people his parents can choose to spend it with. My family not so much. I would be more than happy to visit his parents in the morning for an hour or two, and again do boxing day.
I feel like I need to set this boundary now, as I worry that we will have this same argument year after year.
We plan to start a family next year – is this just going to be the same argument year after year.
Am I the arsehole?
Of course YTA. He’s compromised and spent the last few years with you and you’re refusing to give him the same courtesy? Very selfish of you. You don’t want to make your husband happy? Then why would he stay with you?
Yes. A very big AH indeed.
You refuse to sacrifice ONE Christmas with your family but you expect him and his family to make compromises? He has spent several Christmas Days with your family but you cannot return it this year?
Hell, calling you selfish is a fucking understatement.
And when you have kids? What then? They only spend Christmas day with your family? Please don’t have kids if you are this disrespectful about the holidays. If you cannot alternate or find middle ground that makes your partner equally happy, then you shouldn’t be with anyone.
You guys are never gonna work you should find a man who probably doesn’t have family or is N.C. with them cause if you only want it to spend with your family that’s fine but your boyfriend have also spent a lot of times with your family and it’s better to do a turn with his right now
YTA
You’re entirely unwilling to compromise and expect him to either never spend Christmas with his family, or spend christmas without his partner.
I can very much understand why he is rethinking a future with someone like you.
YTA And if this was the other way around? How would you feel? Cry all day if not with your parents on Xmas? Your partner is correct to be concerned about your attitude and what it means for your future together.
You won’t budge? Consider ending the relationship to give him a chance to find someone more considerate.
You are such a major asshole. Boxing Day is not the same as Christmas and you bloody know it. Selfish git.
YTA. You are not ready for marriage or for kids if you can’t keep yourself together to spend Christmas with his parents – who at this point, if you’ve been together for 9 years and are looking to have children together, are ALSO now your family. You say you “won’t” budge on this. You need to budge.
YTA.
Cry all day? Set a boundary that you both must always stay at your parents for Xmas Day?
Your behaviour is frankly manipulative and that’s a form of domestic abuse.
YTA. You have been together nine years and taken all the Christmas days for your family. You need to learn to share before you have children.
Yeah sorry YTA
It should be one Christmas with your one Christmas with his and spend boxing day with the other side.
Also its very odd that you’ve been together for 9 years and have never thought to i dunno invite each others family over instead of just doing one family one day and the other the next, integrate your families have Xmas with everyone.
My partner and I always spend one year with his one year with mine dependant on where it was and who was going to be there, the last 2 years we’ve basically just combined both, his side of the family and my mum dad and aunt. (Have more family but I dislike them)
Such an oblivious AH, a relationship goes both ways. Why don’t you spend Christmas with his family and boxing day with yours, and switch every year. My mom told me once that the day itself doesn’t matter, we can celebrate Christmas a week later or early if that’s the only time I could make it. And it’s just my mom left as my dad passed away, so I do understand small family.
And yes, imagine kids, will your in-laws never see the children on the day itself?
Either you compromise or you let him go.
lol seriously? YTA
And selfish, at that.
Compromise is part of a relationship and you’re not compromising. Not only that, but you’ve decided you’re going to hate it with his family without ever actually trying it. It sounds like he really doesn’t enjoy Christmas with your family but you’re fine with him being there.
Don’t have kids if you’re not willing to compromise on these things, because it absolutely will come up every single year for the rest of your life. It will never be resolved or accepted while you refuse to compromise.
Are you going to be happy to send your kids off with your husband to see his family every other year? Think it through. What do you imagine will happen here, really?
YTA
You are selfish and you are overthinking. You already are so sure you’ll cry all day if you have to do Christmas with his family. You are an emotional blackmailer and you might just have your wish to be able to do whatever you want on Christmases going forward.
Yta you’re being selfish. There’s absolutely no reason for you to spend the entire day with your family every single year. And especially if you’re having children, why should your children only spend Christmas with your family and not his? I would be crushed if my husband had done this to me.