My friend (27)f) & I (27f) have been friend for over 14 years, we don’t see each other as often as I’d like.
I found out that I was pregnant with my 3rd baby, two weeks after she found out that she was pregnant with her 1st. We supported each other’s pregnancies & saw each other a bit. Towards the end of the pregnancy we didn’t see each other much.
When she gave birth I was heavily pregnant. I was really struggling but I supported her in every way I could from a distance, I answered every question she had, did research to help her through her postpartum & breastfeeding journey. The only thing is I didn’t go round to see her, for context. I don’t drive. She lives over an hour & a half away on public transport. I have two younger children a 2YO & a 3YO, it was the height of summer & once again bear in mind I am heavenly pregnant.
After I gave birth via C-section, my recovery was okay however I noticed that she started pulling away so I said to her as soon as you feel like postpartum may be creeping in to tell me & don’t pull away. I arranged to meet her & her baby however the day that I was meant to go I got my first postpartum period (I also have stage 4 endometriosis which means that I bleed a horrific amount.) my two children were also sick so I cancelled as I’m not going to bring two sick children around a newborn. When explaining this to her, she just said alright, after that I didn’t hear from her again.
I invited her around to my house as she drives & has one child therefore easy for me to accommodate her & her baby. She said that she doesn’t feel comfortable driving in the car with the baby, which I totally understand. A while goes past & I’m settling my first child into nursery whilst also recovering with a newborn & a feral two-year-old in tow. Life is hectic & stressful.
Out of the blue I receive a voice note from her saying she can’t believe how I haven’t gone round or made an effort to go and meet her baby but I can go to other places, I apologise & explain to her that I should have gone to see her sooner but things have happened which have made it difficult. I also explained to her that her coming to me makes more sense as she drives & has one child than me coming on public transport which is an hour & a half journey with three children.
I also pointed out to her that she was able to make the effort to go & see her other friend to which she then replied the reason why they were together was because the fathers of their children are both in jail & I wouldn’t understand so that’s why she turned to her. I’ve since made the effort to message her and arrange a meet.
She said she was busy, so am I the arsehole if I just block her and remove her completely from my life?
I don’t really have many friends but I don’t want to cling onto a friendship like this.
Since this has happened, my postpartum journey has felt extremely lonely & I noticed the postpartum depression creeping in but staying strong just carrying on.
Thanks in advance
Invest in other friendships… Sending hugs!
‘the fathers of their children are both in jail’
LMAO
NTA and while it is hard having your first baby, she’s gonna learn it only gets harder. Now add two more onto that.
I had two kids back to back and let me tell you how many friends I lost just because I sincerely was busy and exhausted. Anyone acting like it’s a personal slight means they were never your friend to start with.
She *is* in post partum and truly might not be herself. So I’d probably not block her and just pull back. Give her a few months. If she still doesn’t turn around then do what you gotta do.
So I just say & do nothing for a while & if it gets to a certain point where I haven’t heard from her I’ll just cut contact, I can’t keep trying anymore..
If you go no contact, YWBTA. You say your postpartum journey is extremely lonely, well, her baby daddy is in jail, wdyt about her? Isn’t she hella lonely too? I bet she is. Both of you are high on hormones right now, don’t make a decision you will regret and arrange a meeting on date that works for you both (check your period tracker beforehand btw). Have an in-person conversation about everything. I lost a friend in a same way and now I struggle with my loneliness A LOT. It’s not worth it. Make up to your friend.
I won’t go no contact but I’ve now reached out multiple times so will not reach out for a while. Her BD is in jail but she still lives at home with her parents which has its benefits, fortunately I have my own home but no parents to help. It’s a tedious situation. I want to be her friend and I want to see her & her baby we spoke about this for years and never thought we’d have our pregnancies in sync and we got so lucky to I never thought it would end up like this
Yikes. So part of the concept of “the village” is that we all pitch into it — even when it isn’t convenient or easy.
Yes, your situation sounds taxing. But your expectation that your travel difficulties override hers because you started having kids first isn’t reasonable or fair. By this logic her needs will never come first.
You also disregarded this being her first kid reaaaally fast — and went immediately to you having more kids to wrangle. It’s like you kept saying the right things — “which I totally understand” — but actually expecting something different — “her coming to me makes more sense.” And now you’re acting like you’re somehow the wronged party when she called you out on it. YTA
Join some mother and baby groups in your local area and find new friends. Frindships do come to an end for many people due to distance or different lives.
I got to them thankfully there’s loads in my community
NTA. You were recovering, overwhelmed, and supporting her from afar. She expected effort she didn’t give back. If the friendship is only hurting you, it’s okay to step back.
NTA no one gets how hard it is with multiple kids unless they’re in it. One is hard enough but I’m guessing she has no clue how crazy having other kids is when you bring a newborn home.
What’s been going on may not be in alignment with her expectations but she’s an emotional new mom. She’s not necessarily thinking clearly and this may feel like more of a betrayal from her perspective when it’s really anything but. You’ve tried to be accommodating and you have kept in touch as best you could. Hopefully she will come around. Don’t beat yourself up and enjoy that baby of yours!
NTA. An hour and a half on public transport with 3 kids (one newborn) is not a small ask. If she can visit other friends, she can visit you.
YTA. Give this woman a break. I struggled a lot after the birth of my first. Everything doesn’t fall on her just because she drives. Why on earth don’t you drive if you have 3 children??? I can get to an emergency room faster than an ambulance can
Is it possible to have someone like possibly your husband or a family member watch the older children while you take your baby over to her house?
I agree that she is being a bit unreasonable but she is postpartum, her baby daddy is in jail, and she may be having postpartum issues since her behavior is so different from what it had been before.
I think YWBTA if you cut her off because I think neither of you communicated clearly to each other what visiting each other would look like after having your babies and she had different expectations than you and is disappointed simply because she wanted to see you more and neither of you feel capable of traveling to see one another right now.
I think if you aren’t willing or able to learn to drive, this is one of the inconveniences that comes with it, sometimes you have to take inconvenient public transportation or you have to miss out on things and may disappoint people. It is also fair that she should sometimes drive to your house, but it shouldn’t be the expectation that she has to do it every time because it’s easier for her. 45 minutes one way is still really far with a newborn. Maybe you two need to accept that you live too far apart to realistically see each other right now and make it nobody’s fault when you talk about it.