Not Exactly throwaway, but I don’t think she has Reddit. Anyways, I (18F) accidentally washed my sister’s shoes. In total transparency, i did NOT KNOW that these shoes were kept like this for a reason.
Basically, me and my sister (18F), are twins and practically share the same shoe size. There is a pair of shoes that used to be mine, but she started using them during sophmore year witbout asking, (she had brown i had black). I didn’t mind this because I always wore converse. It was the type to slide on and off easy unlike the shoes she got from me.
She used these shoes through the years. Might I add, she is a HEAVY theater kid. She had been in it for about 8+ years along with choir and the fine arts. I am not, I prefer athletics so I never had a problem with her using my shoes. (Another example is when I bought heels, using mom’s money, and she started to wear them instead like 24/7. Again, I didn’t mind because i only planned to use those for professional setting.)
Now to the painted shoes. I am starting to shadow my mom in her work, and currently I only have one pair of white shoes i can wear. (Of course, I have loafers in black and brown, but they’re too big and chunky to wear on the daily, they only work in certain outfits.) I saw these OTHER pair of shoes, all painted and scratched up. I was like, ‘oh, let me clean these so i can start wearing these too! Especially when I need to go out other houses or something) Shese shoes were black so they could also go with many outfits and they weren’t as chunky as my loafers.
Unfortunatly, i did NOT know the paint was on there for a reason. (Mind you, these shoes have been on the shoe rack like this for months.) The reason was because these shoes were used in my sisters very last theater show for her senior year. Apparently, she kept it like that. And I get it, memorabilia. But what I don’t think is very fair is that she is posting it on her instagram notes (which are public, because i’m not on her close friends) saying anonymous stuff which I’m SURE other people are asking about. (The note said ‘are you FUCKING kidding me?’)
I, personally, am one that struggles with apologies and getting my feelings out in words, especially if it’s my fault. Yes, I am an asshole, i cannot speak feelings alot and I struggle with things like talking to others sometimes. But I think this was a genuine accident. Hopefully she doesn’t blame me, but the notes she’s posting, it sounds like she does :/.
This is not the first time she has posted about me on insta. She has posted stuff on her story on her close friends to where I couldn’t see it a while ago (a few months give or take?) I know this because my friend was on her close friends a while ago. So this makes me believe she really does think it’s my fault.
Am I the A-hole?
EDIT: I did fix the shoes. I had put paint ontop of the scratches so I only had to wash them off. I repainted it white exactly how i remembered it before cleaning. I only remember how it was painted because i used a toothbrush to scrub the original white paint off.
EDIT 2: Another updated note 4 minutes ago is just ‘fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you.’ It doesn’t really take to much to know she’s posting about me.
You saw the shoes where? Did you go into her room? You definitely should have asked first. Not that she shouldn’t have in the past but two wrongs don’t make a right. You didn’t mean to hurt her feelings, you assumed shoes were a shareable possession and sounds like you did your best to fix them, so you are NTA.
She is though, not very sisterly to be bitching about you on social media. She has a bit of maturing to do it seems, in spite of you two being the same age.
Me, my brother (16M) and my sister all have a sheared shoe rack in the garage. We don’t bring shoes inside unless cleaning them or we dont want others to wear them. (At least thats what i do.) But the shoes were on the top of the shoe rack.
You made a mistake, but you’re not the asshole. Asshole behavior is when you do something disrespectful/mean/upsetting/destructive to get a reaction, because you’re not thinking about other people’s feelings, for petty revenge, etc. This was an unfortunate mistake. I’d recommend apologizing directly if you haven’t already, and it was good of you to try and fix the shoes.
Your sister is being emotionally immature by posting on social media instead of talking to you about her feelings. The shoes were sentimental, but when you live in a house with a culture of sharing, these things happen sometimes if special items aren’t kept separate or housemates aren’t informed. It’s unfortunate, but ultimately nobody’s fault. It’s a lesson to be learned for the future — maybe the house needs more clear rules on what shoes can or cannot be shared.
This situation should have been able to be resolved with a heartfelt “I’m sorry,” maybe a hug, and an effort to fix the shoes, which you made. To the left of this: if you know you struggle to be kind or apologizing, it’s just something to practice and take steps to be better about. It’s not an ultimate character flaw unless you let it be. Let some time pass, and if it bothers you, make a script or practice talking to her about it with someone you trust and then make the effort to have the conversation. Ex: “I know that I upset you and hurt your feelings by washing those shoes. I’m sorry. Next time I’ll ask before cleaning anything. When you’re upset with me, please speak to me about it, not social media. I can’t make amends if we don’t have the conversation.”
How many of your shoes etc has your sister taken to keep/use as your own?
They were your shoes. Your sister decided to turn your shoes into a personal keepsake/memorabilia without even mentioning it to you.
Repainting them does nothing to restore the keepsake nature, but they weren’t really hers to do that to. There seems to be a precedent going that your shoes are hers if she wants them. You should probably nip that in the bud. Otherwise those heels you mention are probably going to be unavailable to you the next time you need to wear them.
The shoes are a give/take relationship. There are moments where we both need to wear the same pairs of shoes, but that hasn’t happened since beginning of highschool. But it is obvious who’s shoes are whos, because I don’t wear heels as often and my shoes are a tad more tom-boyish/unprofessional in certain settings/outfits.
She took the shoes, the ones that I had cleaned, probably somewhere around sophmore/junior year. Of course i did wear them from time to time between soph and sr year, it was just one of those things where you dont think you need to ask because of the way things have been going for a while.
I haven’t worn the heels in years, so I don’t mind her keeping them. She HAS worn my loafers on occasion (the only reason I know that is because she tends to stuff napkins down there so they’ll fit tighter and when I end up wearing them I find the napkins she left and I take them out so it can be more comfortable for me. But this is very rare.)
Thanks for the advice. 🙂
NTA. You didn’t know they were memorabilia, you tried to fix them, and she’s publicly subtweeting you instead of communicating. That’s not on you.