So I’m a college freshman already failing/near failing all my classes. I work part time, have ADHD, anxiety and bad work life balance, mental hurdles and severe depression. My social life is in shambles and i feel so isolated already in my own challenges that I physically am not at the point where i can’t help others without risking my mental and physical priorities. I have this classmate from Africa, a transfer student who expects me to give him recordings of lectures right after class asap posted on YouTube. So in class I have to use my phone to record for him and submit on CapCut and wait for that to load in 5-10 minutes then download and upload on YouTube for another 5-30+ minutes depending on how my phone wants to cooperate with me. Meaning I can’t exit YouTube during that period of time (aka my phone.) Whenever I record I can’t use my phone to take pictures of important notes or use for personal use. I have to lay it flat and not be able to use my own phone for my needs. At first it felt like he was just using me for the lectures then he bought me lunch one time and offered to help studying and took 1 hour of my time to vent to me. I hardly know the guy. I just know he’s a transfer student from Africa to the States and has his own personal issues going on. He did buy me lunch one time which I was grateful for and helped me study once which I admit was nice of him to do. This was after the 2 months of recording for him though. He expects me to record for him every day we have lecture. He has his own phone mind you. At first it was cause he was sick couple days but he stopped communicating after and just expected me to record for him everyday with no word beforehand after he healed. Communication skills are bad and today he cussed me o it though text for not “uploading” on time. I’m sorry I have my own personal life struggles and life? Damn?! I was sleeping today and he started cussing me out during my sleeping hours? He expects me to just upload it asap for his own gain. What should I do. I’m so sick and tired of this but I also am grateful for the kind times as well.
I also forgot to mention I helped him get a temporary phone number, look for cars online and gave him advice about life in American schools. He got in trouble with the law for smoking zaza and got his rights as part time worker in school taken away and he accuses people of being “racists” when they don’t talk to him. To be fair his accent is very hard to understand but I try my best to listen to him even though I don’t know what he’s saying 24/7. So he assumed I was the first “non racist” person on campus which doesn’t make sense. It’s not racist to not be able to understand a foreign accent and listen to you vent 24/7
You’re not an asshole, but you’re making a fool of yourself allowing people to use you.
Tell him to kick rocks. There’s no reason you should be doing this for him.
Personally, in my opinion, I do not find you to be the a-hole in this situation at all. You don’t need to be focusing on other people when you yourself are struggling. You should prioritize yourself and your needs, and him doing one or two nice things doesn’t mean that you are in debt to him. He is just honestly being mostly selfish from what I can tell, so you should honestly block him out of your life and focus on yourself and smoothing things out within your own life. And if he talks crap because you need to focus on yourself, then you should honestly tell it to him as it is and if not then you can bring this up to higher-ups. Also, speaking of yourself, I would suggest maybe some therapy or some more relaxation in whatever times that you can because I hope you feel better and start to be less stressed and better soon hun.
– p.s. if I missed anything please let me know
Also create boundaries with him and if he doesn’t respect that then block him out
You have enough challenges without dealing with uploading as well. It’s November, he’s had time to acclimate and can go to the lecture and listen himself. Simply text him that you are no longer able to upload the lectures in any given time frame and that his rudeness is unacceptable. And then stop. Mute him, block him whatever and move on. He is not good for your mental heath. NTS
NTA. He’s not entitled to your time, phone, or recordings. You helped as a favor, not a job. The moment he started cussing at you, all obligations ended. Set a boundary and be done.
Is a one-time lunch purchase worth all of this?
He will figure things out if you stop helping him. It won’t be the end of his world if you do, but it will be the end of yours if you keep sacrificing yourself to help someone who is capable of dealing with their own shit.
You’re not a bad person if you choose to prioritize yourself. You can’t save someone else from drowning when your own head is already under water.
Please, please, please take care of yourself first op. Nta.
Maybe I missed something, but it seems like you consider it your responsibility/obligation to make these recordings, and I don’t see anything in your post that would explain why. You ask what you should do and it just seems obvious, you should tell him “sorry, making these recordings is too much of a burden on me and I won’t be doing it anymore.” NTA, but are you like an extreme People Pleaser?
You know you don’t have to get someone to agree to your point of view to enforce a boundary, right?
Stop wasting time explaining things to this guy or even trying to justify yourself to Reddit. Just tell him you’re not going to help him out any more. If he asks why, just say you’re not able to do it and repeat until he leaves you alone. Again, he doesn’t have to agree to it in order for you to have permission to stop. You can give yourself the permission.
Good luck.
Edit:sp
That’s wild. You’re failing all your classes and struggling socially but the only thing you’re taking seriously is being under this guy’s thumb who talks to you like trash when you don’t have his video done on time. And for what? That one time when he bought you lunch? Come on! Does this not seem completely irrational to you? If you’re not sure, then I’ll tell you. YES! It is. Don’t try to fulfill your social needs with toxic, draining people. This kind of thing will carry over into your relationships, so stop doing it. Tell this guy he needs to start doing his own recordings and cut ties with him. He’s the AH and I’m pissed off for you. I’ll text him and tell him off right now! Lol
Next, find social groups or clubs to join, even if you have to start out with just something online, but do activities that involve meeting people. Not parties, don’t mess with drinking that’ll make things much worse, but stuff related to your interests like music or sports or whatever it is college kids are into.
Then see if your school has a proper mental health program. If not, then make an appointment to see your doctor so you can get you properly medicated or they can refer you so you can get these issues under control and function.
Lastly, you need a schedule that helps organize your study time. Try chunking and ADHD schedule apps. But ultimately, you need self-care. Taking care of this African guy isn’t self-care. He’s outsourced you to be his self care so put a stop to that and don’t look back. NTA
NTA. Bro. Why do you feel like you owe this kid? Why can’t he go to class or record his own lectures if he’s there? He sounds like a freeloader who is using and abusing you. Block him and tell him you’re done “helping” him.
NTA. You’re not this guy’s personal lecture-recording service. It’s great that you helped at first, but it’s now affecting your own grades, mental health, and ability to focus in class. He has his own phone and can make his own arrangements. Set a boundary and stop doing it, being kind doesn’t mean letting someone walk all over you.
NTA.
Doing a favor once or twice is one thing, but when it turns into an expectation that eats into your time and mental health, that’s something else entirely. You have more than enough problems on your own plate. You don’t need to be taking on another student’s problems.
Moreover, it’s not clear to me why he’s getting you to record these lectures at all.
Does he show up to the lectures in person? If he does, and he still wants a recording of them, and he has his own phone, he can record them himself.
If he’s NOT showing up to the lectures, then he should be. That’s literally his job as a student. You show up to class and pay attention, and if there’s a good reason why you have to miss a particular class, then you make arrangements to catch up on what you missed, in a way that causes the least imposition to other people. He’s not doing that. He is imposing upon you, massively.
Buying lunch for you once is not sufficient compensation. Which is why, incidentally, you should beware of free lunches. There are often strings attached. His single favor to you has come with an entire spiderweb full of strings.
And cussing you out is the last straw. He has now used up all your goodwill.
Personally, I’d have no trouble being direct to him: “I’ve been doing this as a favor to you, spending a lot of time and inconvenience on it, but you crossed a line when you cussed me out. You have been demanding, ungrateful, and downright rude, and I will not tolerate it any longer. I owe you nothing. It’s not my job to record and upload lectures for you. I’m not doing it any more. Please don’t ask me again.”
I have a feeling you’re not going to be anywhere near as direct as that, but still, you would benefit from being more assertive. Practice saying things like this when he asks you for another recording:
“I can’t record any more lectures for you.”
“No, that won’t be possible.”
“No, that doesn’t work for me.”
“Unfortunately, I can’t help. You’ll need to find another solution.”
Notice that none of the above statements contains the word “Sorry”, because you’re not sorry, and none of the statements includes any reason or excuse, because he’s not entitled to one.
Ignore any accusations of racism. If you truly harbored any racist feelings towards him, you never would have helped him in the first place.
Good luck dealing with all your other problems. I hope things improve for you.