In general I don’t like my boyfriends mom because of the things he has told me that she has allowed to happen to him when he was a child but now I REALLLY don’t like her. My boyfriend (32M) and I (29F) have been together for 5 years. We have never spent a birthday of his with his mom. He told me that she nor his dad has celebrated his birthday since he was 10 years old. All of sudden his mom decides to leave his dad last year and now she’s trying to come around. He isn’t close with either of his parents at all so normally for his birthday he’s with me, my family, or his friends. Last month a few weeks before his birthday his mother messaged me and his brother in a group chat stating that she’s doing my boyfriend’s birthday at a specific restaurant and gave a date and time. I personally did not like this because I was throwing a surprise dinner for him with my parents that same day she had scheduled. I decided to message her separately to ask her to communicate with me before planning dinners or anything so that our plans don’t overlap because I had a surprise planned for him. I even told her that I cancelled the dinner with my family so that she can still have her plans for him. I just wanted to create an opportunity for us to exchange plans so that we can coordinate properly. She took offense to this and called my boyfriend and told him that she doesnt have to respect my boundaries or talk to me about anything since im not his wife and that i need to reach out to her instead when planning stuff for his birthday. Am i wrong for being offended by this? Or is this how mothers normally are because I am highly confused as to what i said that warranted a response like that.
Oh also, the day before this all happened she sent a different text about how she booked a house in the Caribbean for my boyfriend’s birthday next year and wants us all to go for the week??? I turn 30 next year and me and boyfriends birthdays are two weeks apart and we can’t take a vacation for both of our birthday since their so close. So I’m confused on how she thinks she can just plan all this shit and it’s interfering with what I want to do. Again am I wrong for feeling a way or is this lady overstepping?
NTA but it sounds like his mom is trying to make up for stuff now that she’s divorcing. Planning this kind of thing as if she always has, and not respecting the fact that her children are adults. You need to leave this mid-life crisis to your boyfriend. That first birthday text shouldn’t have been side tracked, just responded. “Hey, I’ve got the ball rolling on a birthday surprise. Would you all like to come?” And then about the future trip, this discussion goes to your boyfriend. What’s he think about his mom’s ideas? What do you want to do and ask him what he wants. Has he always wanted a better relationship with his family, or is he creeper out. Have the discussion, and softball communication with her to him.
Maybe that response to her plans would’ve went different but then again idk because she wants to be in charge of everything and wants me to go through her about plans. And my boyfriend thinks I need to just kiss her ass to keep the peace which will never happen so I guess her and I will never be ok good terms.
You needed to add his reaction to your post. He was abused and ignored by his mother all his life. He never even had a birthday acknowledgement from his mother for 22 years and suddenly she’s Martha Stewart. Now he wants you to do what she says to keep the peace. Keeping the peace means surrendering and losing all autonomy. There will never be peace because she will always be creating new battles.
Your bf needs therapy to deal with her. It’s obvious he wants to make up for her two decades of mistreatment. The little boy in him wants to believe mommy loves him and will be the best mommy in the world. He’s 32, almost 33, and that ship not only has sailed, it sunk like the Titanic on its maiden voyage. There is nothing you can say or do about their relationship so don’t even try. But point out that therapy will help him understand his emotions and how to handle them as an adult, not a 10 year old boy. Because you know this won’t last and she disappoint him again like she always does.
Parents don’t get to be in charge of their adult children’s schedules. Full stop. Ideally your man should manage his own calendar, but if you guys discuss it and he wants to delegate managing your shared calendar to you, then he needs to accept that you’ll sometimes conflict with his moms plans. If she says something is happening x day, you should be either out of the conversation of have free reign to say “we already have plans that day, sorry!” It’s up to you whether you suggest an alternate day that you’re available.
She’s right that you’re not his wife, but if you plan to be, this would be good to address sooner rather than later. For the record, she’s also not his wife 🤣 bit of the pot calling the kettle black there
Given the history, you shouldn’t care of what she says or does. It’s up to your BF and his choice of where to go and who to live with.
Sounds like she wants to make up for lost time, is lonely and wants to both be his mom and wife. Five years is a pretty solid commitment to a relationship, a mother writing that off as you having no say is weird as fuck. Talk to your boyfriend about how he feels and hopefully have him set some boundaries with her. Otherwise she will likely be working on breaking you two up pretty soon. NTA
NTA. It sounds like she has mom guilt and trying to fix all of her mistakes at once, and you’re interfering with her plans by having opinions.
Good luck, sincerely.
NTA. Not his wife lol. But your bf should be handling the noise from his mom, not leaving it to you.
Yeah the “not your wife” comment really pissed me off. I’m gonna leave all communication with her to him moving forward.
I’d also ask for clarification from your boyfriend about whether you should be running plans by his mother first since she’s trying to stake a claim now
This is such a smart move. You are good at this.
NTA – I don’t think his mom is trying to make up for lost time. She doesn’t have a man and so she is sucking up male energy from her son, and that displaces your relationship with your BF.
You can tell him to choose what to do as it’s his relationship but I bet the moment his mom finds a new dick to swing on, he’ll be cast aside again
She can always offer. It’s up to him to accept or not.
NTA. She left her husband, now she’s trying to maneuver son into the emotional husband spot.