I (25f) still live at home and while I have a generally good relationship with my mom, one recent source of contention has been her drinking.
For context, my dad passed away when I was 19, a few months before Covid, and my grandparents live in our house too. My family is a very inter-generational family, so the fact I’m still at home at 25 is fairly normal, and I would prefer to be close to family. But after my dad passed away I noticed my mom definitely started drinking more. She used to maybe have a glass of wine every other day or something, but it got more and more and now every single day she has at least two martinis, and at least three glasses of wine. Every single day. It definitely has consequences on her health. She snores now very badly (so bad I have to wear earplugs at home to sleep and won’t share a hotel room with her anymore on trips), she has a lot of headaches and she has a horrible cough and is constantly clearing her throat. I’m not making this up at all, her doctor told her she has serious chronic reflux and it’s damaging her esophagus. She has some medications and things to take but won’t unless I remind her, and I don’t think she’s being open with her doctor about how much she drinks so I don’t think he knows how much she does.
I’m so sick of her coughing and clearing her throat all the time, it’s really gross, so I keep bothering her about it. I admit I’m maybe losing my patience with it because I’m so sick of it. She’s very sick of my nagging though so it often ends in a fight. When that happens she will say mean and nasty things, and she usually apologizes for and regrets the next day, but also keeps saying I need to lay off on her because she’s a grown woman who can make her own choices.
She keeps telling me to stop bothering her and get over it, but I am also genuinely worried about her health, plus her behavior does bother me. She won’t listen to me even though I try to be as objective and not blame her or accuse her, more make it about her health and things, but it just doesn’t get through to her. I feel like on one hand I’m not doing enough to get her to take her drinking seriously but at the same time I also worry that maybe I am overacting like she says. I just feel like it’s my job as family (especially because my dad isn’t able to) to try to make sure she’s taking care of herself. I guess I don’t know if I am just being really annoying and nagging over something i should let go.
Would I be the asshole if I kept bothering her about her drinking? Would I be a super asshole if I tried to talk our doctor about it? We have the same GP who is a close family friend and I guess I don’t know from a medical standpoint what the threshold of like unhealthy drinking is but I also don’t want to “tell” on her and tell her personal business to other people? I’m worried about her but I’m also worried I’m just being annoying and a jerk over something that I shouldn’t be sticking my nose into so much.
YTA but from a good place. People can’t get help if they don’t want it unfortunately.
I am so sorry you’re in this situation. Your mother sounds like an alcoholic…my brother died from the disease, even though my whole family fought for years to get him sober. There is nothing you can do to change your mom – SHE needs to choose to stop drinking. Therapy and meds might help, but not if she doesn’t want them.
For your own self-preservation, stop badgering her. It won’t help and will only stress you out. You can only control how you react to her, so avoid her when you need to, and love her the best way you can, for as long as you can.
NTA for trying to help your mom be better.
She’s unfortunately an alcoholic from what you described, and sadly this will be hard for her to actually come to terms with. Hearing it from you is bothersome because she probably doesn’t think she has a problem that needs addressing. It’s extremely hard to say what to do in this situation because addiction runs deeper than words, and ultimately has to be the addict to get themselves help. You can certainly try to help, call the doctor etc, but if she is addicted to it she wont stop. I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I dont think you’re an asshole at all.
It always helps to ask, about nearly anything: whose decision is it to make?
How much your mother drinks is her decision to make. Her health is in her hands. She is not uninformed: trust that you have brought the issues to her attention, and focus now on reducing the impact of her actions on you.
NTA – but it’s time to step back.
NAH but “she’s a grown woman who can make her own choices.” Back off. She presumably knows what she’s doing and has different priorities for herself than you have for her. (P.S. Doctors know people lie about how much they drink. Snitching is unnecessary.) It’s sweet of you to care but not so sweet to give her a hard time.
my mom’s not an alcoholic, but for the longest time she also had severe health issues she refused to acknowledge. watching her continue to decline over something preventable was extremely difficult to witness. the hardest lesson to learn was that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. as far as telling her GP, doctors legally can’t do anything without the patient consenting, and if your mom finds out it could very well damage your relationship. you’re not overreacting-that level of alcohol consumption is not normal or sustainable long term. i think the best you can do is have a healthy conversation with her when she’s sober about your concerns-it’s also possible something like depression could be causing her to increase her alcohol intake. like any addiction, alcoholism is a mental disorder that causes the person suffering from it to be unable to admit they have a problem. but at the end of the day, it’s her responsibility to get her health under control. i hope you have a good support system you can lean on.
NTA- Dealing with parents not addressing a health concern, alcohol related or not just sucks. Parents are people too and not every person wants to address what’s going on with them. She’s an adult and can make these choices whether you agree with them or not. You can kindly let her know that what she is doing is destroying her health and that you are worried about her. If she does something awesome but if she doesn’t you’ll have to let it go.
Go to Al-Anon. If your mom is drinking like this then she is definitely an alcoholic. You can’t really say anything that will stop her but you can set boundaries and Al-anon meetings can help you.
NTA please look into attending an Al-Anon meeting. It will provide you information and support as a family member of a loved one who has an alcohol problem. There are plenty of virtual online meetings.
NTA. That much alcohol on a daily basis is definitely not healthy and does suggest she has a drinking problem. What do your grandparents (presumably her parents?) think about it or have you not spoken to them? You aren’t being too harsh on her at all, she will drink herself to death if she doesn’t stop this. Speak to your grandparents and speak to the GP. This is too much for you to deal with alone.
Time to move out. She’s an alcoholic and it will ruin your life if you let it.