Hi community,
Quick background: In my family runs a genetic disorder, Polycystic Kidney Disease (PKD). After the birth of our daughter (2.5yo), I found out I have it as well. there is a 1/2 chance to pass it along to my offspring.
In short, PKD causes fluid-filled cysts to grow in your kidneys. PKD cysts can change the shape of the kidneys, making them much larger, in the end leading to kidney failure. There aren’t really medications that stop the cysts from growing, but you can slow things down through a healthy lifestyle.
My nephrologist told me that by Preimplantation Genetic Testing (a form of IVF), fertilized eggs can be checked for the disorder and only healthy embryos are placed back into the womb. So my wife and I decided to start the process. We have our first appointment with the genetics department sometime in December.
My wife has a poor relationship with her mother, not with her father. She blames her mother for not being supportive enough and available during her childhood and other things. They talk/share on basic things, but only the strictly necessary and socially required things. We go to birthdays and family gatherings like Christmas, but she won’t just drop by her mom’s house or let our daughter stay there alone. Her mother is trying to rebuild the relationship, but not succeeding.
st week, I was at my in-laws’ place helping with something, and afterward we (MIL, FIL, and I) were having coffee and chatting about everyday things. At some point, we started talking about my kidney check-ups. I told them how things were going and mentioned that we had decided to go ahead with the IVF procedure.
Yesterday, my wife got a text from her mother asking if we’d already started the procedures, like taking hormones, etc. I’m sure she meant well and was trying to be supportive.
Now my wife is angry with me for telling them. She told me she didn’t want her parents (especially her mom) to know. She never told me that before.
I am a person who is quite open about personal things to family and friends when asked for, so honestly, I did not give it a second thought to keep it a secret and just told them. Especially as we were discussing my last results and situation.
Furthermore, and I recognise this is a big mistake from my side, I did not tell my wife I had told her parents. Not because I was hiding anything, but because I didn’t think it would matter.
So, AITA for telling my MIL we will start an IVF procedure to get our second child?
YTA I would not want to be married to someone who knows about my shitty relationship with a parent, goes on to tell that parent my personal medical information, then acts surprised I’m upset. Do you even know your wife?
So her parents are on information diet, but you decided to share quite sensitive information? YTA
YTA – You are welcome to be open and personal about your own information. IVF is not just about you and will impact your wife the most. IVF is also a very personal journey that many people wait to share until it is successful. Hormones and egg retrieval can be a brutal and invasive process for a woman. Then she has to continue use to take hormones and what happens if the first tries at implantation are not successful? Your wife does not share information with her mother and they have a difficult relationship. Do you really think she wants to engage with her mother about invasive procedures while under the heavy influence of hormones which are messing with her body and emotional state? You need to follow your wife’s lead in this, especially when it comes to her family. You need to apologize and run interference in the future. IVF is more successful when the mother is calm and happy, not when stressed out by horrible mothers and inconsiderate husbands!
YTA, you should never mention anyone else’s private medical treatment info to anyone ever. If it’s not your body undergoing it, it’s not your place to mention it. IVF is so private and intimate and vulnerable. Incredibly vulnerable. So much can go wrong, so much can fail, and it’s literally concerning her privates.. It doesn’t even matter that her relationship is strained. It’s just private medical info. Their relationship being troubled is a shitty cherry on top
YTA.
But I’m the same, incredibly open with my family and friends, I don’t hide things because I don’t need to.
If an in law specifically asked me about family planning, and I hadn’t discussed with my partner if it was a secret or not, I wouldn’t mention it.
From your post it sounds like you know you fucked up, so don’t beat yourself up too much, just speak to your wife and commit to doing better by her in future 🙂
YTA. Not your family. Not your place to share things with them first ever.
>**”They talk/share on basic things, but only the strictly necessary and socially required things.”**
You KNEW this and still blabbed.
>**”she won’t just drop by her mom’s house or let our daughter stay there alone”**
So, why are you over there doing stuff for her mother anyway? And talking about her?
You were disloyal to your wife and dismissive of her privacy and the tension of her relationship with her mother. Mr Nice Guy I-know-better-than-you-do.
>**”I did not give it a second thought to keep it a secret and just told them.”**
Trust is everything. This would be a deal-breaker for me, and may well be for her.
YTA, massively.
YTA, and worse. NOT YOUR BODY, NOT YOUR STORY TO TELL.
You were discussing your wife’s future medical procedures behind her back with the mother she doesn’t like?
YTA
It’s one thing to be “open and personal” with your life, but you don’t get to be open and personal with your wife’s life, even the parts that overlap with yours. She deserves her privacy.
YTA that is very personal information. You knew how your wife felt about her mother, but you shared anyway.
I am more private than my husband. I have a ton of medical issues. I have repeatedly asked him to NOT share details of my medical issues with people. That is my information to share. He may not care, but I do. I told him, if someone asks how I am doing, he can say something general like, “good days and bad days,” or “she keeps pushing forward.”
He is learning. (He has many, many good traits, but, like everyone else, he has a few things to work on)
In your case, they didn’t even ASK about the IVF. You volunteered that little tid bit of incredibly personal information. “How are your kidneys?” “Fine. Thanks for asking! How is uncle fred?”
Anything related to fertility and baby making should be private unless both parties agree it is OK to discuss with specific people. You totally overstepped about an extremely personal topic.
What if MIL was against IVF?
Having an information diet for the IL’s and my mother was a really hard concept for my husband to learn. It just went against his upbringing to *intentionally* not share some stuff with family, people he considered safe. Even after they’d shown themselves to *not* be safe people to share things with. He considers himself “an open book, with nothing to hide”. I once challenged him on that, showing him the thing she did choose to keep private, and proving that he does not in fact “share everything”. It took him a while to be ok with keeping some things back. What helped was when his mother used some information he told only her and a random uncle mentioned it to him. So the entire family knew this and he realized he wasn’t ok with that.
You *know* your wife doesn’t tell her mother things. There’s a reason for that and you have disrespected her by sharing this extremely private medical stuff with her. Apologize to your wife, and really work to make sure this doesn’t happen again.
Also, dude, trust your wife. If she doesn’t want your child at her mom’s, there’s a reason she’s protecting your daughter. YTA
You knew that her mother was on an info diet, but you told her anyway. Be honest, you didn’t tell your wife you had told her mother because you knew how she would react . You know that YTA
Oh you messed up bad. YtA. You broke her trust. And you can’t say she didn’t say not to tell. You know she doesn’t like her and wants her to have no information. Yet you found it OK to do the exact opposite. Youre a horrible husband and for your sake, start begging her for forgiveness.
YTA
> They talk/share on basic things, but only the strictly necessary and socially required things
You know that she’s put her mom onto an info diet… so why did you feel like you could tell her about medical procedures that your wife is going through?
*You* were discussing *your* medical details and *you* don’t mind her knowing… your wife is not you, nor is she beholden to your privacy standards when it comes to information about her.