“Ben” (28m) and I (27f) have been friends for years. Ben’s a great friend to those in his circle, but he’s incredibly stand-offish to anyone else. I’d given up trying to introduce him to any of my friends a long time ago, but this gets difficult when it comes to my love life as most people aren’t really fond of the idea of dating someone who has a best friend of the opposite gender. It bothers me that I can’t easily introduce him to anyone when we’re in the same space without the fear of him being rude or dismissive.
Two years ago he moved a state over and I visit periodically (400 mile round trip) or we’ll meet up for a concert. Earlier this year I started to have some car issues & have been more hesitant to put a lot of miles on it until I can get it repaired.
Ben and his roommate got tickets for a concert in a city about 4 hours from me (45 minutes from Ben). Originally I didn’t think I’d be able to go, but he let me know the day before that his roommate canceled and his ticket was mine if I wanted it. I said sure, sent him money for the ticket and made arrangements.
I’ve been talking to “Seth” for about two months and I really like him, more than I’ve liked anyone since Ben has known me. I told Seth my plans and he immediately offered to drive me because he knows my cars been having issues. Not thinking this would cause a big drama, I accepted the offer and got Seth a ticket.
I told Ben the plan and asked if he would be willing to meet him as I really wanted his opinion on Seth since I liked him so much. Ben immediately shut it down and said he wouldn’t talk to us if I brought Seth. I said if he was going to be like that, then I wouldn’t bother him, because I don’t want to explain to a potential partner why my only friend in the city was avoiding me. I felt it would be disrespectful to Seth for doing me a favor to then be third-wheeled and ignored by my friend. Ben didn’t seem to have a problem with me just not saying hi this time.
He ultimately canceled and said he made plans with his friends instead.
Few days go by and he sent me a long message saying he doesn’t think I’m a good friend for that and he’s going to distance himself because of it. Gave me an example about how his friend group didn’t bring someone new on a ski trip because they knew it would make someone else uncomfortable. I said that wasn’t a fair comparison because this wasn’t a group ski trip, this was an event in a non-intimate setting and the change in plans was more for my safety than anything else, as I wasn’t exactly thrilled about driving a total of 8 hours alone at night with a potentially unreliable car. I also am sad I can’t easily introduce him to people I’m interested in since he’s an important person in my life.
TLDR: ben invited me to a concert and I invited a love interest. Ben says I’m TA for bringing someone knowing he would be uncomfortable by it, I think Ben’s TA for being uncompromising and rude to all of my friends.
His roommates agree with him and say what I did was crappy. So AITA?
As a guy who has had a woman best friend for over 2 decades now I’m here to tell you that Ben has a thing for you. If he was really just your friend he would be happy to meet your new boyfriend instead of immediately saying he wouldn’t even talk to you. He would care about you having to drive long distances at night with a car that’s not reliable. He would force himself to talk to the new person even if he’s a bit uncomfortable, because that’s what you do for your best friend…especially at a concert when there shouldn’t really be much talking going on anyhow.
NTA
NTA for ignoring Ben, but you’ve been an AH to yourself keeping him around all this time. He sounds like he sucks and/or is trying to weasel his way into having sex with you by being your “friend”. What positive qualities does he have that makes you want be friends with him?
As a guy with many female friends, Ben is into you. That’s why he wanted one on one time.
This. Ben was trying to nice guy himself into a “date.” Frankly, I’m not sure I believe Ben was ever going with someone else originally.
I may be wrong, but it sounds like Ben is jealous of this new person in your life. He should be happy for you, not shutting you out. NTA
Ben is not your friend. He wants more. NTA.
NTA but your experience of men not wanting to date someone whose best friend is a man might have something to do with Ben acting like he’s in love with you and jealous of anyone you bring around
Yeah my woman bff didn’t really have any problems getting boyfriends with me being her friend. I officiated her wedding ceremony, we all go on vacation together at least once a year.
as a 41 year old man…. Ben’s in love with you, it clearly explains his behaviour
ESH. You are TA because Ben asked you along as company for him, and you turned his outing into him being a third wheel, without even checking with him.
Meanwhile, Ben is also TA because of how he reacted to that, and how he goes about trying to get one-on-one time with you (by being standoffish with everyone else, trying to paint you into a corner).
I have no verdict but I’ll say this, Ben being territorial with you in general might be because he loves you.
Still, let’s pretend that’s not the case. Ben invited you and wanted to spend time with you. You turned it into a date without asking him and made him the third wheel.
So even if Ben didn’t like you romantically. And even if he wasn’t already a stand off-ish dude, what you did and how you approached it was rude and unthoughtful.
I’m sure it’s hard for you to see that because someone you like was doing you a favor. But you accepted such favor by creating a situation that would have pushed Ben to the side.
It would have been better to tell Ben about the car troubles and that you either couldn’t go or worked with him to find a solution.
I’m sure Ben wouldn’t have had an issue if it were a female friend that was coming along. But still, since it was his plans that he invited you to, you should have asked Ben first
Oh honey Ben is super into you I fear. If he could pee on you to mark his territory he would this isn’t friend behavior
I’m really not sure here honestly. On one hand Ben is obviously weird with his being standoffish at anyone you bring around. That’s AH behavior. That said, I would also be a little annoyed about my friend wanting to bring their partner to an outing, because just in my experience that leads to a lot of third wheeling. However, it seems like he doesn’t really ever give you a chance to bring your partner anywhere in situations where it would be more of a group thing.
I’m going to say NTA and agree with the other comment that suggests maybe Ben does have a bit of a thing for you. Either that or you’re just kind of incompatible for the moment, since it seems like he doesn’t want to compromise