Should I be judged for thinking that she never offered any help to me but is now asking for me to help her.
My ability to provide her the support that she is asking for (not a huge amount she has closer friends) is probably greater than her ability to help me (we live much closer to the hospital and she is a single parent).
My daughter was in hospital for 8 months (2 x 4) and our of school for 17 months – she is a qualified teacher currently working 1 day a week, no check in, no offer of visit or even just a how are you coping text – and life is still challenging with a now disabled teen to look after.
Is quid pro quo fair in this situation or do I need to give my head a wobble?
Edit: I have realised im always the one helping her for 15 years including paying for her divorce and she has not been there when we had our darkest days not even a text message.
Edit2: There definitely seems to be a split on responses with a lot of comments saying "well if you never asked for help" which is really interesting 🤔
Info: Did you ask her to help when you needed it?
Info: did you ask her for help? Has she asked you for help?
Different situations are different. If you’re looking at it from a perspective of “well what have you don’t to help me”, you’re already TA
YTA. You said it she’s both a teacher and single parent. As a single parent she probably picks up extra teaching shifts as necessary. Sounds like you had lots of help yourself. Not everyone has the same support systems. Your daughter had you but she herself can’t totally rely on her daughter as it sounds like she’s still fairly young.
It never hurts to have a moment of compassion when others are at their lowest. They may surprise you down the road.
That said there is missing info that might change my judgment.
ESH
1. She should have at least checked in on your well being. That’s what a good friend would do and your hurt over this is valid.
2. You didn’t ask for help. If you had, who knows. Perhaps she was busy and self absorbed. It’s so very easy not to engage with the big things that others are dealing with because all of us are stressed. She is directly reaching out for help and it’s a little different.
3. What kind of person do you want to be? While I fully support drawing boundaries around one way friendships, the woman is dealing with cancer and asked for help. I’d help a total stranger or neighbor who asked if they were struggling with illness.
Perhaps after recovery, if that’s how this goes, would be a better time to address any lingering concerns about reciprocity in your friendship.
Info: did you actually ask her for help?
She never *offered*. Now she is *asking.*
She never offered because she assumed you would ask. Which is also why she is now asking; she doesn’t expect you to offer.
You wanted her to know what you needed without being asked, but some people are very private or picky when things like this happen. Don’t assume in the future that your friends are psychic.
Not the a hole but also you are not friends
This quid pro quo style of friendship must be exhausting. Yta
YTA because this feels like petty reasoning. It sounds like you expected your teacher friend to come by and educate your kid in the hospital without you even asking? People are not mind readers.
Is it possible she’s been going through her own medical troubles for the last year and just didn’t want to drag you into it before now? You don’t normally get diagnosed with cancer the same day it appears.
Info: did you ever ask her for help? That will be the determining factor here.
Read up on Guess Vs Ask Culture. [https://medium.com/redhill-review/navigating-ask-and-guess-cultures-in-a-modern-world-30b167f8ab09](https://medium.com/redhill-review/navigating-ask-and-guess-cultures-in-a-modern-world-30b167f8ab09)
She is an Ask. You are a Guess. She came out and asked for what she wanted. It’s up to you to decide whether or not you’re too resentful or grudge-holding to help her. I totally get that her not even ever bothering to check in to see how you were coping, or dropping by as a friend, are ridiculous and she sucks for that. That’s the bare minimum someone who thinks of themselves as a friend should be doing.
OP you didn’t explicitly ask for help? If this is true, then YTA for not helping her
YTA.
If you’re going to act like this when your friend is asking you for help after getting a cancer diagnosis then I would seriously reconsider if you even want to be friends with her any more. This is not how friends act.