My wife’s family live 5 hours(without traffic) away. We plan on going there for Thanksgiving, but now, her sister from across the country is flying in after Christmas and my wife wants to see her then too. Her family has no other kids, or are married, so its a total of 5 people there.
She then wants to go there in May, (July, a place her family owns even farther in) August, so I would basically have to use 13/15 on my vacation days just to attend these gatherings.
We have a 1 year old baby so the drives take twice as long with the frequent stops.
We’ve had some recent arguments about this and I just feel that its too many trips and its been very hard with the back and forth. I don’t want to make it seem like her family isn’t important, but all my cousins have babies and we miss these events over the holidays to simply spend it with her immediate family. I’d like my child to spend these holidays with KIDS too.
I don’t know what to do really but something needs to change. We need to prioritize our family and having the holidays and vacations just stuck in traffic to see her family seems ridiculous.
INFO: Do you always have to go together? Can she and the baby go without you?
NTA. Of course you want to spend time with family at regular intervals, but without more context, it should strike some sort of mutual balance between time with her family, time with your family, and time with immediately nearby folks. If it’s eating into your vacation time and therefore dominating your overall allocation of “vacation time” to be spent amongst those three categories, that’s valid feedback. You’ll have to reconcile it more with her, however.
I Agee with you, it sounds like way too much about her family.
NTA for not wanting to travel every few months.
Your POV is clear why this is a LOT. I wouldn’t be happy using that much of my paid leave travelling to in-laws.
I think how you deal with it is what will or won’t make you the AH.
Is there a reason your wife can’t go without you? Either taking your 1yo or 1yo staying with you, or a combination of the two?
Would you welcome family coming to visit you and staying with you? This means you’re not always travelling but does mean hosting – will you contribute to this?
Can you sit down with your wife and discuss how to distribute holidays and family? Yours shouldn’t always miss out. Perhaps alternating? Hosting some? Spending some at home just as your immediate family?
INFO: How close do you live to your family and how often do you see them?
Why can’t she go alone?
NTA, y’all need to be able to come to a compromise. This year, the lack of other kids won’t matter, but by next year, your child will be missing out on serious cousin fun.
The normal thing is to switch off, so that one year it’s your family for tgiving, hers for xmas, then the next year it’s her family for tgiving and yours for xmas.
Don’t push it this year, your tgiving plans are set and her sister coming for xmas is a Special Event, and your kid will love all the grownup attention. But in March, as you’re planning out vacations, offer her xmas w her family, tgiving with yours, alternate next year.
On the summer trips: three five hour trips in four months with a toddler is a LOT. Ask her to skip one, or offer that she can fly up alone for one, while you and the toddler stay home. Three five hour trips in a year… is more than my family has ever done. We do two, going up for one summer trip and one winter holiday. My sister does one or two, coming down the five hours, so we all see each other four times / year.
How close do you live to your family and how frequently do you see them?
If they are close to you, and you see them often then you may need to negotiate when your families celebrate holidays or rotate when you go to each family.
Another option is to invite her family to join your family occasionally. My family would welcome my in-laws at holiday celebrations but my MIL refuses to travel that far (2 hours).
Info: How close by is your family?
Because if they’re right there in town, your baby will grow up with her cousins and exactly splitting the holidays isn’t very fair.
But there should be some kind of split. When my kids came along, my husband and I informed the (large, extended, Italian) family that Christmas morning would be under our own tree in our own house and in our pajamas. Traveling for Christmas is the absolute worst and a family needs to make their own traditions.
With the limited information given—it seems like your wife needs to do a better job compromising on the multiple trips a year.
Since you have to work and have a toddler, could her parents travel to you for Thanksgiving or Christmas?
I get when you come from a small family it’s hard to imagine leaving your parents alone for a holiday. But I think there are solutions to be had if your wife is willing to calmly discuss and compromise.
Does your wife work? Is she using her vacation time on her family’s events? If she doesn’t work, I think you guys need to come to a better agreement in regard to your vacation time.
Why can’t they come see you so you don’t have to drive 5 hours?
NTA. Your time off should be split between your families and there should be a trip that is just for you, your spouse and your children.
NTA. Your wife is expecting too much. She should be able to go by herself and take your daughter though when it’s not holidays.
Alternate visits between families, visit hers, then yours, then hers, then yours. Fair is fair.