Pretty sure AITA (M29) and this is to give myself some sorely needed public shaming but here goes:
My GF (F27) is dealing with a potential cancer or hashimotos diagnosis from a 0.9cm nodule on her Thyroid, we’re awaiting the test results and had a week before receiving. In that same week it was her birthday and I took the entire week off to make sure I was free and that we could something each day. The first few days were great, went to a restaurant she’d wanted to go to for years with a 2 month wait list, went to a west end show and met one of the actors who was a star to her growing up in person and went to a music gig and then met the artist afterwards too.
Sounds all good – right? Here’s where it gets difficult. For context, money has been really tight for us though, I have zero savings as I’ve depleted them in this relationship and what I did have I’d spent on decorations, cake ingredients and flowers. Alongside the usual expenses, I cover our rent and am the breadwinner. She (my GF) has health issues as I’ve mentioned and needs to spend the majority of her wage on a nutritionist and supplements so there is equity, it’s just hard.
Now we get to the title of this post, I’d floated the idea of going to Paris for a day so she can visit some stationary shops that she’s crazy about and really make this week before she gets her results memorable. My GF said that I had to ask my mum for money to facilitate that. I agreed that I would and that if I got any short term cash from her we would book flights and go.
Prior to this, my mum and I hadn’t spoken for about a year as I’d gone no contact after she’d said some really hurtful things to my GF and was just proving very difficult to have a relationship with. I hated asking but I did it and was given £1K by her. So, book the flights immediately!? Right? No, wrong. The day after I drove my GF into central London for a haircut but I had a bit of an attitude all day. Even with the money I’m worried about it because a day in Paris seems frivolous but it also doesn’t because it’s important I’m conflicted and stressed and worried that the money I have is going to just disappear again. She asks about going into London again the day after her haircut when we get back late around 2am, for further context the drive takes about 1-2 hours. I said is that not kind of expensive, at this point I’m tired and worried about money and I express myself super poorly after being a dick the entire day. We get into an argument that lasts for hours and don’t end up going to London the next day, never mind booking flights to Paris.
I don’t bring up Paris again but checked the price of flights and they had doubled. We head into London a one more time for a date and the weekend is over apart from one day, tomorrow. I write this as my GF brings up the fact I never brought up Paris again.
AITA Reddit, be as brutal as you wish.
NTA, diagnosis upcoming bad or not, why would you or her want yourselves in a crappy financial state? She’s making you ask money from someone you didn’t speak too for a whole year? Sounds very irresponsible as a partner, bad diagnosis or not.you’ve already given her a lot of good experiences, far more than most would get in this week, and i’d personally, if i was your partner, be proud of you for doing that alone.
YTA to yourself for agreeing to borrow the money.
You are already bleeding financially because of your girlfriend and have no savings, why are you going more into debt?
Return the money to your mother and tell her you thought about it and you are stressed about going into more debt because you can barely meet your combined needs.
I wonder what hurtful thing your mother told your girlfriend, judging from your post alone, I already have concerns about financial responsibility from both of you. Especially since you have a potential money guzzling health issue to support your girlfriend through and you are hosting one week birthday celebration ahead of it instead of finding additional income streams
Think through this relationship and what it is doing for you Dont wreck your credit
They’re not in the U.S., so it won’t be a money guzzling health issue. Not for the treatment, anyway.
ESH. Your gf should understand the state of your finances. And asking you to borrow money from your mum isn’t the solution. You also need to understand the state of your finances and should not make promises you can’t keep. Have a convo about it and work together on a plan for you both to jointly save for flights. Or extra for a weekend visit. There will likely be some sales coming up too on flights. But the fact you are saying the cost of ingredients was a lot tells me that a trip to Paris is probably not prudent.
INFO: Are you in an abusive relationship?
There are some troubling codependent-ish things adding up. You’re cut off from your family. You are told what to spend money on. You win the bread but there’s not enough bread and yet she demands to be kept in pretty stationary and West End plays…? And in a country with *free healthcare* (seethes in American), her paycheck goes to supplements?!
The math isn’t mathing. The “equity” is not equitable. Blink twice if you are being abused.
Thank you! I don’t know how no one else brought this up, there were immediate red flags!
I’m reading it this way too. It’s all very one sided. OP is doing all the leg work while gf is demanding more and potentially isolating him from his family. He shouldn’t have promised Paris but should be able to say it’s too expensive right now but we’ll go later when we can get a good deal. If she’s angry about this, maybe they shouldn’t be together.
Seriously, does no one else see the red flags? I don’t think OP realizes he’s in an abusive relationship.
Take the freaking Eurostar from London if going to Paris is that important. It’s like a 3 hour train ride
It’s not really any cheaper than flying, and often more expensive
NTA. It’s ridiculous for your girlfriend demand that you break no contact with your mother and lie to her to get money to take your girlfriend on a vacation when you’re already struggling with supporting the both of you and spending a bunch on her having fun.
A weeks birthday celebration with lots of spending is not resonable when money is tight.
To ask your partner to borrow money from their parents for more spending is just wild.
Stop burning through your money, make a financial plan and stick to it. If you carry all expenses you need to stop enabeling spluring at this level. Sure she likes shopping but if she doesn’t have money she doesn’t get to spend money she doesn’t have. Simple as that.
Why are you going into debt for this?? You have no savings! She made you break no contact just to ask for money?! This is abuse. NTA.
WTF? I had a 12cm goiter removed and lived to tell the tale. I don’t think they even do a biopsy for a .9cm nodule. They’re super common and usually benign. Thyroid cancer has one of the highest long term survival rates and hashimoto’s is a very manageable condition. One of you is seriously overdramatizing this.
That being said, YTA for overcommitting and not being honest with your partner about your finances. You’re digging yourself into a very deep hole and you need to come clean. Unless she’s the spoiled princess type, she won’t want you to overextend yourself for frivolous material reasons. Be honest with her so you can work together and get back on track.