Firstly – I absolutely don’t hate kids. I don’t have any of my own, nor do I want to, but I live with a friend with children who I help out with childcare, my partner has kids, I have multiple god-children etc.
I have 2 friends who are sisters, who I love, but being friends with them over the last couple of years has become difficult. They have a lot going on in their personal lives (it has been a rollercoaster for them) and I have really tried to be supportive, but finding 5 minutes to spend time with them has become impossible as they don’t text / call back, and whenever we finally find a day that will work to catch up, the plans are always adjusted to accommodate all of their children. I have always been the person to say that I will come to them or work around their schedules when the kids were smaller, but now I’m trying to make adult plans and it seems like whatever I suggest gets changed in a conversation between themselves and I find out later.
Next month, I have a free house for a weekend (this never happens) and my partner is also child-free for that weekend as his kids will be with their Mom, and I invited the 2 friends and their Mum and their partners over for daytime Christmas cocktails (so they can go home to their kids afterwards if they want) and a catchup with me and my partner.
Yesterday, I was told that they are using this as their family Xmas catch up as their Mum will be away for the Xmas, and all of the kids are coming, and they will be staying the night. I told them that I had assumed that because we were going to be spending the whole day drinking, I assumed that the kids would not be coming and I have invited other adults to take the rooms.
AITA for just wanting to be able to spend time with my friends to have adult conversations, so that they can offload and I can offload, without kids listening? I know that having lots of kids is hectic and busy and it can be hard to get someone to look after them sometimes, but it’s gotten to the point where it feels like child free is not an option anymore. I don’t really even want to have them all over now, because it won’t be relaxing, we won’t get to talk, and I am always surrounded by everyone else’s kids, I just wanted a break.
I also don’t want to tell them “You can’t bring your kids” because I have been told that it won’t work if they can’t bring them, and I actually do really love these people. Do I just need to get over myself and give them a break or am I being reasonable in wanting them to make some effort?
they’re lowkey railroading u. like u set the plan… they just patched in DLC: Kids Edition without asking 💀
NTA you invited them for cocktails, and they RSVP’d with “surprise, it’s now a full family sleepover.” Plot twist in your own home.
You are NTA for wanting to have an adults only gathering. That being said, it’s hard to judge without knowing the context of the invitation. Given you invited their mom and their partners, it’s easy to see how they may have assumed it was an invite for the family especially if you’ve met the children before. It’s helpful to me when someone is explicit in their invitation, ie “can you get a babysitter saturday night and come out for drinks?” or “would you, your husband and the baby like to come over?” it saves me the headache of assuming one way or the other.
Also if children are small it can be really hard. I am all for spending time apart from my daughter sometimes, but she obviously comes first – like if she gets sick, I have to cancel or if babysitter cancels, I have to cancel. That being said, as children get older, getting out becomes easier. It might just be that this friendship is not as close in this phase of their lives, and you may see them more as their kids become more independent.
These people are assholes and do not care about you. Why else would they scduleTHEIR ‘Christmas get together’ at your place, on your time, without bothering to check with you? This is the height of ‘screw you and your plans’ behavior. You now have to tell them no, I have invited other people, you are NOT welcome to stay nor are you welcome to bring your children.
That was my take, they are rude as fuck.
I was gonna say yta but they are basically using you for their Xmas hangout. Tell them no.
NAH
Be direct. Say something like… Sorry, there was a misunderstanding or maybe it was a lack of communication on my part. Since I was inviting you over for day drinking, I wrongly assumed that you would know this was a child free event. There will be a lot of drinking and I don’t feel comfortable hosting kids in that environment. I understand if you aren’t able to make it if you are not able to bring your kids. I apologize for the lack of clarity on my part.
And hey… if they don’t text or call back then text and call them less. Focus on getting new friends or a new hobby. It is what it is. You have to accept it and move on.
Ugh so NTA – it drives me nuts that people think you want to hang out with their children. You probably set yourself up a bit when the kids were younger.
Just let them know you don’t want to spoil their Xmas get together so you will catch up in January.
NTA. And I would tell them not to come if they’re going to bring their kids.
NTA, If you’ve also invited other adults just say no!
Say you love the kids but this is an adults only weekend and that you are happy to meet with the kiddos another weekend.
Part of the issue is probably that you’ve never said no in honesty
NTA
And I have to say, your friends sound pretty entitled! They decide to have their christmas catch up at your place without even asking you?
I think you’re underreacting in not calling them out on such a behvaiour! It’s not their place to make such decisions without your consent! This is your home!
I really think you have to communicate your feelings about this. To me it sounds like they don’t appreciate your friendship enough!
NTA but if you have friends who automatically bring their kids to everything, you need to be up front from the start and tell them it is an adults only invite.
ESH: they are hijacking your party. But to be fair, you are inviting them, their partners and their mom and just assumed that they would find outside childcare? You “assumed” an event that you are hosting is child-free – that’s something you should have communicated explicitly (especially since it seems you could have anticipated this happening).
You can absolutely say: this will not be a child-friendly event.
As for their general behavior, have you ever had a real conversation about this? Sounds like you’ve just been letting it get to you without ever talking to them about it. Constructive communication is as important in maintaining long term friendships as it is in romantic relationships.
Using your event as a “holiday catch up” without asking is super tacky. I think you should have just said it’s an adult only party and you’ll understand if they can’t make it after all, but they should absolutely not be making plans for just themselves (and their family) at an event that you’re hosting. You’re not an event coordinator for them and you should be informed of what they are deciding to do with your time and in your home.