Hey everyone,this is gonna be long but I’ve been battling internally with this situation for two weeks now and I need help. So I, F19, have this cousin F27. Let’s call her Jess. Our families are really close, I’m extremely close to her sister, Ella, F21 who acts and dresses very masculine (this is relevant later). I’m not close to Jess, we’ve hung out one on one a lot but our personalities just don’t match.
Anyways, Jess is getting married to her fiance in a year, M30, lets call him John. It’s gonna be a small wedding, and of course our family was invited, and she was nice enough to invite my boyfriend too. We’ve known about this for like 8 months now. About two weeks ago Jess asked me to be her bridesmaid which caught me off guard because we’re not close. We barely talk unless we’re in person, even then she always seems uninterested so I don’t bother. She’s even like that towards her sister, they barely talk too.
They were all at my house and we were sitting at the table when she said verbatim, in a very indifferent tone"No offense Ella but I was gonna ask (my name) to be my bridesmaid cause John is gonna have two groomsmen and I need another bridesmaid and you’re not girly so it needs to be (my name)". I was caught off guard by the way she asked so I just said yeah okay sure. But I thought about it and I absolutely do NOT want to be her bridesmaid. I know it’s not that serious but I have so much going on, with college and I’m going through some stuff in my life rn and its not something I wanna take on.
Also, her and John havent been the nicest to me in recent years. They’re very condescending and snarky, my boyfriend and I have been together two years and I understand we’re young but they’re constantly shitting on our relationship. Earlier this year, they accused me of using him for his money and asked "what are you gonna do when he leaves you". They make plenty of snarky comments, like about how him getting me flowers is "cringe", or that he looks like a "little boy". ALL unprovoked too. They are so negative all of the time about any of my goals and aspirations. They just talk shit unprovoked, like the day she asked me to be her bridesmaid she literally made fun of my outfit for no reason 😭. Her fiance even talks shit about her DAD to her and she lets him.
Anyways I know I should just say no and be done with it BUT my family is dramatic and I’m afraid it’ll turn into a thing. Theyre hosting Christmas this year and I don’t want any drama. I’ve spoken to my mom about it as we’re close and she says to try to keep the peace but ultimately its my choice. I know I’m overthinking most likely but it’s stressing me out on top of upcoming exams and everything else in my life. Should I just suck it up and do it or should i say no?
You might not want any drama but Jess is a drama llama. I wouldn’t want to be in her wedding, either; she sounds insufferable.
Ew, NTA. She sees you as a prop, especially after she’s been condescending about your relationship too. Walk away and do not feel guilty!
Thank you!! I said the same thing about feeling like a prop I’m glad it’s not just me
NTA.
It’s a request not a summons.
I think you should be honest and NTA. Tell her that you’re only interested in being a bridesmaid for someone who loves you, not for symmetry.
If she wanted a magazine wedding, she should have been kinder or to apologize to her sister. Sounds like she doesn’t have a lot of friends, but that’s not you problem, it’s her choice in personality.
NTA, get out now before she gets the planning really started. A simple, “I’m sorry but after giving it some thought I can’t commit to being a bridesmaid” should suffice.
Family or not, these people are toxic and need to be cut off. If you don’t start standing up for yourself, the you will always hold some responsibility for allowing the abuse. Also, you are not bound to be at family events where you will be abused. Start your own traditions, go in a long awaited vacation where you know you’ll have peace and enjoyment.
What does your other cousin Ella think? You’re NTA at all I wouldn’t want to be her bridesmaid either.
NTA if you decide to say no. Being a bridesmaid is time-consuming and expensive. And she doesn’t sound like an awesome person to be around.
Personally I would suck it up because turning her down will cause So. Much. Drama. down the line for a long time. And there’s a strong chance extended family will side with her since you said yes and then back-tracked. I’m not saying that’s fair, but it’s what people will see.
If you decide to go through with it, make clear boundaries early that you will only be able to attend events that work around your school schedule. Also, ask your mom for financial help with bridesmaids costs since she’s very team “keep the peace.”
“I’ve been battling internally with this situation”
Right – this is not an interpersonal conflict. Your struggle is your own.
nta. if i were you i wouldn’t even attend her wedding after that. the gall to openly shit on your relationship TO YOUR FACE and then expect you to put time and effort into a ceremony celebrating theirs is astounding.
NTA. Just say “no”. “Jess, thank you for the offer, but I’ve considered it and I’d rather just be a guest. Being a bridesmaid isn’t for me.”
Repeat as necessary, no need to give any other reason. Time to grow a spine when people pressure you.
Just don’t give the real reason. Lie a but, but get out of that because you seem like a transparent person and it will blow up on you worse if you don’t get out.
“Keep the peace” is just another way of saying “we’re not going to hold the drama queen accountable for being a jerk.” Then everyone makes it your fault that drama queen does what she’s going to do anyway
After the way she’s treated you, how she’s shit on your relationship, and for basically using you as a prop since her own sister isn’t girly enough … you’re safe to just nope your way out of there. There’ll be fallout, but easier to deal with the fallout than be involved with the wedding.
NTA