I (33f) live at home with my parents and older brother (35m). When I was a child, I looked up to my brother, he was the coolest kid I knew. Then as we grew up, I started to grow more and more distant, mainly for 2 reasons.
1. He constantly steals/uses my things and uses my things without permission and IF I get my things back, likely they are damaged or in worse condition than he found it in. My bath towel, cash, furniture, my razer to shave, my food, my books, art, etc. not only that, but if I ask for accountability from him for stealing things from me, it turns into a fight because he refuses to pay me back/replace my items and refuses responsibility for stealing from me. The rare times he has replaced my damaged/stolen items, its usually a poor quality replacement that costs less the the original item. Example: I once tried to get him to replace a folding 6-foot table he vandalized, he replaced it with a 5-foot table. I gave up because getting to this point took months of trying to get him to be accountable.
2. He has poor emotional regulation skills and terrorizes me. We have multiple holes in our walls due to his anger outbursts. When my parents aren’t home, he’ll throw himself mini raves with music blaring until all hours of the day AND night. He goes to sleep (he’s an incredibly deep sleeper, especially if he’s drunk) and leaves the music blaring while playing music he hopes will annoy me like Gangnam Style and Dota by Bass hunter. He will pound on my door at random hours to disrupt my sleep. I had to block him on my phone because of how much he harassed me verbally. It’s been a while since we’ve gotten in a physical altercation. I have installed a door lock on my room to at least keep me safe and some of my material possessions.
Due to all this, I have decided I won’t go to any more family functions he is invited to. I can’t stand the stress of anticipating him showing up. I refuse to put on a fake face for my abuser and share the same social circles with him. I told my cousins this because I won’t have him in my life anymore after 2 decades of this behavior, I need peace and safety.
I have asked one cousin repeatedly to stop inviting me to family functions as my answer is final and will not change. Cousin has refused every time because he hopes my brother and I reconcile and said I am "projecting hate onto the family" and I need to "put it all behind me" despite all these issues happening continuously with zero accountability on my brother’s end. I told Cousin that my next step will be to block Cousin if Cousin continues to invite me knowing my stance.
AITA? Am I projecting hate?
edit: I moved back home a year ago due to financial difficulties. If I didn’t go back to my parents home, I would be homeless. I have to choose between homelessness or loss of personal peace. I also do everything I can to avoid being in the same space as my brother. No shared meals, no conversations unless necessary, I don’t leave my room when he’s home because it stresses me out so much.
> Due to all this, I have decided I won’t go to any more family functions he is invited to.
Does this matter? You guys live together ffs.
> I won’t have him in my life anymore after 2 decades of this behavior
…you live in the same house.
Can i ask, why at 33 and 35 are the two of you still living with your parents?
I had to move back home after losing my job a year ago. It’s been difficult adjusting back into a dynamic where I don’t feel safe but I need to live here because it’s my only financial option otherwise I will be homeless. I am doing everything I can to earn money to move out for my independence again, but it’s been really hard.
He’s always lived at home, never moved out. I moved out the first chance I got.
Thanks for explaining. So NTA and hope you’re able to get out of there soon. Once you’re out, no contact with your brother until he gets some therapy.
Does “family functions” include breakfast? You live in the same house.
ESH, you live with him but draw the line at family functions outside your house? He’s a shitty roommate but you’re 33, just move out
I am doing everything I can do to so. I wish I had the financial means to move out ASAP but finding a job right now is extremely difficult.
YTA: you can’t live in the same house as someone and then get to draw this boundary for extended family about inviting him to functions.
So like, you avoid family functions with people who are not your brother, because a brother you live with is an asshole when at home with you?
Like you wont visit relatives because someone you live with is a jerk?
If you are not moving away, I can hardly blame them for inviting him too. YTA
ESH
No reason to reject family meetings for this and bring the family into this. If you succesfully can avoid/ignore your brother while living under the same roof, you can also avoid/ignore them while you’re with family.
NTA No, you’re not projecting hate. You’re trying to establish boundaries and protect yourself from the trauma and abuse your brother is inflicting on you. Your brother is an AH, abusive, and frightening. If he becomes physical with you again, you call the police.
Your cousin either doesn’t realize the severity of your brother’s actions or doesn’t care about your well-being. I’d just block the cousin.
Why don’t your parents care about his behavior? He’s punching holes in their walls and assaulting you; they are unbothered by this? If one of my adult kids were terrorizing my other child and my home, he’d be out. You need to find a different job that pays more or go back to school. Either way, you need to get out sooner rather than later. Perhaps a roommate situation with an older female with good references.
Everyone in my family tells me to “put it behind me”. I have tried so many times to move on (without accountability from Brother), but he keeps doing these things to me. I am convinced nothing will change unless others besides myself demand accountability. My parents originally refused to allow me to install a lock on my bedroom door, but finally I did and I’m glad I did because he’s tried to break in even after.
A new improvement on my parents end is they finally said we won’t have group discussions. The last time we tried with my brother and I, my brother immediately starting hurling insults at me and screaming at me. Even though they know this is his usual behaviour, they’re just now starting to admit we need to have more separation and I deserve a lock on my door.
I don’t know about projecting hate but you are definitely projecting “move out of your parents’ home.” Both of you should be out of their house by now. I feel so bad for them.
ESH. Just turn your cousin down every time she sends you an invite; you’re dragging her into the drama by telling her not to invite you if your brother is invited. Your poor parents, having all this contention from adult “children” living under their roof. Work on moving out as soon as you can and put a lock on your door.
ETA: I had a roommate who would pass out with the music or TV blaring in the middle of the night. If it woke me up, I would go and flip the breaker and that would turn off their music. I don’t think they ever figured out how the music was off when they finally woke up.