I (23f) am currently living with my grandparents house, with them, my mom and my siblings after she separated from her second husband. Before she decided to end things with him, we were living with him at a rented house in our hometown and after a lot and i mean a lot of fights, she spoke with my sister (19f) and me (both daughters from her first husband) and told us she wanted to end things up with him. I told her it was her decision, but she needed to be sure because it would be really hard on ALL of us if she was on and off with him. Our relationship with him was never positive, we never bonded in the decade they were together and we always felt like we bothered him and he never tried to be a family with us. He also was never a good husband to my mom for a lot of reasons nor a good father example to my little brother (his son). When she decided to move out she clearly made a point how it was him or us and she chose us. And now, a lot of her actions and things that she says is showing how she still wants to be with him even though HE is not sure. I know is not only him, but the thought of having a family she is giving up on, but we were never a family to begin with. Since she divorced my father (I was 3, not a father also, never there, we speak once a month through messages if so), she was never a “mom”, she was never really there, she was there monetarily but she did not raise us, that was our grandma. It came to the point that when I was in middle school I used to say I thought of her as my sister and not my mom. That is when she decided to marry her second husband and be a family, so after a lot of conversations, we said okay and moved with her, and it kind of fixed our relationship and i kind of felt i had a mom until this situation. Her going back together with him (even though she for sure knows we are not moving with her) feels like she is abandoning us again and i’m tired of it. I am sure if she goes back together him i don’t want to have contact with her. I know it’s her life and i’m going to make mine soon, but spending all this years feeling like she never really cared about me makes me not want her in my life. I think it is important to say that im not from the us, so family dynamics are different here, and we don’t tend to leave our homes until we get married and even though we leave we still spend most our time with family. She told someone the other day that we shouldn’t get mad if she gets back together with him and that made me even angrier. So would I be the ah if i choose not to have a relationship with her if she goes back to him?
If she’s choosing someone who never cared about you over you, it’s valid to step back. Family doesn’t automatically mean loyalty or love, and it sounds like you’ve been parenting yourself for a while anyway.
NTA, no, you’re not an asshole. You should just stay with your Grandma.
NTA. Put yourself first, like she always has.