Well it goes like this, my name is Jessica (25F) and i don’t really have a real friend group, I’m shy and not great at starting conversations, and I get in my own head a lot when I’m around new people, i have been trying to put myself out there more, A coworker, he’s name is jay, invited me to a small get together at his place, He said some of the team would be there and it would be a great party, I stressed about it all week but decided I wanted to try, When I got there, the door was open, people were laughing, music was playing normal stuff happening But everyone already seemed deep into their conversations, I stood near the entrance for a minute trying to figure out where I was supposed to go or who to talk to, still in my own head again, A few people glanced at me but didn’t say anything. Jay saw me, waved and went back to talking to some guys. I told myself to just join someone but every time I tried to approach one, I panicked and felt like i would be interrupting something, After about ten minutes of hovering like a confused houseplant, I started feeling embarrassed and really out of place, So… I left Quietly. I didn’t say goodbye because everyone looked busy and I didn’t want to make it weird. An hour later, Jay texted asking where I went. I told him I felt awkward and didn’t want to intrude. He replied with Dude what?? You should have just jumped in lol. Then today at work, another friend joked that I ghosted the party and told me I should have at least tried talking instead of acting like a scared kid. Now I feel stupid like maybe I should have pushed through the discomfort. I didn’t want to be rude, but I also didn’t want to force myself into conversations where I clearly didn’t fit, So AITA for leaving instead of trying harder to socialize?
Sweetie, I don’t think you’re TA. I think you may just be painfully shy. Maybe a better excuse next time – “Something came up” – or try to mind-over-matter your shyness for a little bit to see if you can stretch a bit.
NTA.
NAH. I don’t wan’t to assign an AH to someone who’s dealing with what sounds like near-crippling shyness. I’d suggest maybe getting some counseling to deal with your fears and difficulty in social situations. You sound like you have some nice co-workers, so at least you do have some social options when you’re ready. Good luck!!
NTA. Could be just an introvert but also autism is hard to spot in females. Maybe look into it
I’ve had similar instances at work parties/events and I always felt like a weird fly on the wall. I just strained through them, but it wasn’t ever really worth it looking back. Eventually I just stopped going to the work-team hangouts because those things aren’t really my thing.
Even with trying to make new friends in an area, going to little house parties of 1 friend, when they’ve got like 10-15 friends over, just wasn’t it either. I don’t do well in crowds, I don’t know people’s humor or topic sensitivities, I don’t know their friend group history or inside jokes… it’s just hard to interject into something like that.
Don’t worry yourself over this. Make friends YOUR way, at places or during events that YOU’LL enjoy. That’s how you’ll make friends you’ll be comfortable with and want to be able to hang out with – even if you don’t have to talk to each other (I’ll have art-hangouts where we just work on stuff, not even chatting or anything).
If your coworkers pick on you because you “ghosted” the party; try telling them the truth and say “I just don’t do well at these things, I find it hard to fit in and got kinda stressed out”. I find that when I’m honest, people totally understand and want to try to keep being friends & accommodating to you as a coworker. But if they keep being mean or pick on you more, then they weren’t worth trying to be friends with in the first place.
NAH because it was clearly difficult for you. But yes you should have actually entered the building and approached someone to say hello.
Please get help for your social anxiety!
NTA / NAH. You weren’t wrong to leave because you didn’t want to be there. Anxiety is hard! But also due to your anxiety, you also seem to have taken your coworkers later comments as accusations or slights, when they likely commented from a place of care! They asked where you went and noticed that you left early …likely because they had wanted you there and were sad they didn’t get to talk to you before you left. Chin up pal.
You’re NTA. This is so hard. Try to stay a bit longer next time. Bring a book. Sit in their vicinity. They will engage. Making friends is hard. Making friends as adults is fucking intimidating. Good luck.
NAH. Small advice: in a party where you don’t really know anyone, go talk to the host first. Even if they are in convo, it’s a party, they will be fine with you joining in the convo they are having with other people. Introduce yourself to the people they are talking to, stick around the convo to see if you can actually actively join and if not go get a drink and join another person you know and repeat.
This is *really* good advice. It helps ease whatever tension there may be and once you get the feel of the host, you can quite easily see how everyone else is as well.
Unless the person you invited isn’t the host, then talk to them first, then the host and thank them for hosting. It’s a good ice breaker and you get to know their tension as well.
NTA first congrats on stepping out of your comfort zone in the first place. I’ve tried to do the same got there, sat in my car for a half hour before just giving up and going home.
Second I would argue that as the host his job is to actually help introduce people and make sure his guests are taken care of. I’ve know some people who just had a gift for hospitality and they would always help introduce me to people at events if I didn’t know anyone.
These days I will try to coordinate arrival with a friend who acts as my social beard. But I am also full confident in myself to just sit in a corner watching people.