I (16f) and my sister (14f) are full siblings. Our younger brother (8m) is our half-brother.
Background: When my brother was born, I was only 8, but I still ended up doing a lot of caretaking and it was this way until we no longer lived together. So for about 5 years.
When I was 10–11, my mom and stepdad got fully into drugs. My biological dad wasn’t around. She sobered up for about a year, relapsed, and we all ended up living at my grandfather’s house. During that time she treated all of us terribly, including my grandfather. She was also involved with both my stepdad and another guy at the same time
When I was 13, me and my sister went to live with a foster relative. My little brother went into foster care. My mom didn’t fully get sober until I was 15. By that point, my brother had been with the foster family for two years, and she let them adopt him because he wanted to stay with them.
Now I’m 16. My mom is sober, still with the same guy she was seeing while on drugs… and I recently found out she’s pregnant. She hid it from me for two weeks until my stepdad accidentally said something.
I’ve always told her that if she ever got pregnant again, I wouldn’t talk to her or the baby. I’ve been extremely angry, betrayed, hurt and generally emotional over it and told her to her face I felt like she was replacing him. She said I knew she wasn’t, started sobbing, and walked out.
AITA for telling her she’s replacing my little brother?
NTA. But you and your sister need to reach out to your family or friends or previous foster carers. There is a good chance your mom won’t be able to parent her next child. And you need to look out for yourself and your sister. If you can get away to any other family, do so. You guys don’t need to raise another sibling. I wish you all the best. I truly hope you guys can get somewhere safe and loving.
This the state will take the baby from the hospital since she let the state take your little brother. She has no clue but I can promise you that is what is going to happen. I know because I saw it with my own eyes women like your mom. The state took a child and then the woman thinks she’ll just have another one. They will swoop in so fast right at the hospital and then she will have to fight to restore her parental rights.
People on drugs are hurting themselves and everyone around them often without full (or any) concern/realization of that hurt. I think it’s perfectly OK for you to excommunicate your mom from your life. I would leave the door open for whatever baby she has because kids need more love in this world not less. I suspect that your mom having another baby has less to do with replacement and more to do with poor self-care. I also suspect she’s not in a position to give this baby a great path in life. NTA.
i actually can understand some of the pain youre feeling, having been through something similar.
my mom used to tell me, “you won’t understand until youre older” and while it annoyed me, she was right. this may be one of those situations that require the nuance of lived experiences.
youre NTA. youre allowed to feel upset and those feelings are completely valid. you’ve had a rough go, and i know how it feels myself. theres a lot of anger and sadness.
your mother sucks for getting into drugs, and losing her kids to foster care and she sucks for not fighting for her son harder, a choice im sure she’ll regret one day. there may be things about the adoption she didn’t tell you and will one day.
but you are definitely NTA.
I kinda disagree on the “she sucks for not fighting for her son harder”. From what little we have been told, HE wanted to stay with the foster family. While OP remembers a time when her mom wasn’t such a mess, little brother doesn’t. He remembers being raised more by his older sister and mom being very angry and unstable. His foster family was probably the first place he felt safe and stable. Rather than ripping him away from that, she chose to do one of the hardest things imaginable and gave him up. It seems like it was the kick in the pants she needed to get sober. I imagine one of the hardest parts of her journey to sobriety was realizing she missed most of his life. She missed big chunks of all of her kids lives, but his most of all. And she has to live with that. (By missed I include the time she was using, not just when they were physically removed from her)
I don’t blame OP for being angry. While her mom may not be trying to replace little brother, it wouldn’t surprise me at all if mom is thinking she wants to do it right with at least one kid. I don’t necessarily agree with that idea, but I can understand it. I can also understand OP feeling like her mom doesn’t deserve to try again, given how badly she messed up with the first three.
NTA. Please take care of yourself, and if that means getting away from your mother for good, do that! I hope you are still in contact with your half-brother.
Your feelings are valid. Im gonna start there. This is a very difficult situation. I live in an area with a huuuuge drug problem. Ive watched High school friends lose themselves to addiction and abusive relationships and ive watched them pull themselves back out, so I simply have more experience than you, a young teen might have.
Pregnancy can be hard to prevent. Losing kids is traumatic. Getting and staying clean is a heruclean task. Letting your brother stay with the family who raised him cause he asked is actually huge. Ive seen parents that refuse to do that in the same situation.
Now that shes pregnant, there’s not much except abortion thats going to stop it. Now all you can do is choose how you choose to react. You dont have to change your mind if you dont want, but I encourage you to see a therapist. You clearly have wounds that need some looking at, and you are worth working on them now, than before they cause major issues later in life.
You’ve been through a lot. Be kind to yourself.
I dont have a vote. The whole thing sucks.
Pregnancy is not at all hard to prevent lol
It’s definitely preventable. I’m on birth control myself and I’m 16.. she’s definitely old enough to know how to
NTA, this is an outrageously toxic situation, and you did nothing wrong
Just for context, I work with foster children and their families professionally. I’m going to say NTA. You are valid in your feelings and have to deal with the trauma of watching your mother implode your family’s lives, being parentified, being placed into foster care, and then being separated from your brother, who you admit to having mothered essentially for multiple years. You can choose to have whatever relationship you want with her and the baby, including no relationship. But…your mother is also allowed to be able to move on with her life and be happy. Addiction is a horrible monster and getting sober is not easily accomplished. My suggestion is that if you are not already participating in therapy, seek out trauma based therapy and not just individual counseling, which is more surface level therapy
This misses a crucial point. The OP is NOT upset primarily at the mother moving on and being happy, she is upset that she lost her immediate relationship with a much loved younger brother. In the OP’s eyes her mother “gave away” that brother and is now choosing to have a new baby.
Are you sure see is sober? There could be a very high chance this child will be born needing additional care
This is NOT you responsibility
What is your extended family situation? Are you still in contact with the family you were fosted with? You should have a social worker or key care advisor, sorry UK not sure exactly how it works elsewhere. You need professional advice, school dr police. You have a right to care
Please tell as many people as possible as soon as possible an get yourself and your sister to a safe space
NTA
Your mother may be clean now but that doesn’t erase years of mistreatment and trauma you suffered because of her choices. How are you back in her custody after what she put you and your siblings through?
I’d advise you to keep a close eye on your mother and stepdad in case they relapse .