I(29F) and my husband(32M) are hosting Thanksgiving at our house this year. It’s the first time we’ve ever hosted a family event for my family. Usually my parents host but they’re getting older and my dad recently had a back procedure so they weren’t up for hosting.
My family consists of my brother, SIL, 4 nephews, 1 niece, my two parents, grandma, my baby, and an older daughter who was placed with us through foster care. My family plus my husband’s family equals 15 people total. I spoke with my mom today to go over last minute details and when I mentioned the head count she casually mentioned it would be 16 people. When I asked who the 16th was she said it was my uncle.
It’s important to note that I do not get along with my uncle. He has a very longstanding and pervasive history of substance use, alcoholism, and being manipulative. When I was a child, his addiction was so severe that his wife said he needed to either go to treatment or leave. He chose to leave. He would call my children cousins and tell them that because they didn’t call, they must not love him and if he left this world forever it would be their fault. He would end up in and out of jail and would call my parents begging for bail money. I remember I used to unplug our landline in hopes we’d miss his call. Because my family was on a tight budget and collect calls from jail took away money for us to do fun things as a family.
Then as an adult I’ve watched him financially abuse my grandma. He only ever comes around for money. He stays with her when he’s broke and has no place to go. He’s used drugs on and off throughout my lifetime. He recently almost died in the hospital from complications of his usage. It sickens me that he manipulates my grandmother and my mom doesn’t do anything about it.
So when my mom told me my uncle was planning to accompany my grandma tomorrow I was livid. I know she purposely withheld his intent to come from me. Because I’ve mentioned the guest list multiple times in the past month and she didn’t correct me. I told her my uncle is not welcome at my home. My husband agrees with me that he’s a terrible person and we don’t want him on our house. But he feels we should allow him to attend because he normally attends the event at my parent’s house every year. So it’s possible they just assumed he was invited. AITA?
Your house. Your rules. Your guest.
NTA…your house, your rules. Do expect family drama though.
NTA
It’s time to be really assertive with Mom and Grandma.
NTA, but a question for you. Is it a hill you want to die on (because the shitstorm will be real)? If yes, no problem.
Totally up to you. I don’t think you’re the AH either way. Your mom is kind of shady though, but I suspect she’s been enabling her brother for years. And you should make it very clear (if you let him come) that it’s the last time.
NTA
As someone whose uncle is exactly the same way and also stole my grandmothers money and house then put it all up his nose and died.
Nope.
Make sure you’re clear to your mother that if he shows up, he will need to leave your property, and if he doesn’t, police will remove him regardless.
Non negotiable
NTA Doesn’t matter what they assumed. You didn’t invite uncle-grandma, mom and uncle all know you didn’t invite him. I think they assumed that if they asked you’d say “no”, but if they just showed up with him you’d feel obligated to let him in. The great thing about hosting is that you control the guest list. Make sure grandma and mom know that if they show up with Uncle Addict, you will turn them away. You can offer to send a plate home with them for him.
NTA- my uncle wasn’t invited to my brother’s wedding, sure may hurt him but kept us all safe from the drama. You are not TA because this is your event, you’re hosting in YOUR house. Mom and uncle are TA here.
Just make sure he knows it’s a dry Thanksgiving…maybe that will keep him away!
NTA. If you don’t want him in your home, don’t let him in. Tell your mother/grandmother that he’s not welcome at all. Let them know that if he shows up, he will be removed.
Expect he will just show up with grandma, so you can plan for how you want to respond.
I think we have all had a family member like this. One where expecting stuff to be missing after they leave, drama while they are there, and everyone expecting you to keep the peace while he is an asshole.
Notify your mom and grandma that he isn’t invited and showing up anyway isn’t going to open the door to him. They can choose how they want to handle it from there but this is your line, your house, and they should respect that.
This is a, no is a full sentence, situation.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a misunderstanding or deliberate. It’s your house and your choice. If other family members choose to side with his toxicity and not attend, that’s on them. Don’t let them guilt you into supporting a horrible human just to ‘keep the peace.’
NTA.
It’s a scummy thing for him to come knowing that he was neither welcome nor invited. As a grown adult that tells you everything you need to know about his decision making process.
Did you inform your grandmother about your decision not to invite him? Does she know how you feel?
NTA but you better be very clear and very firm RIGHT NOW. And be prepared for fallout
Your house, your rules. Personally, I’d send him a text saying “you’re not invited to TG because of your past behavior” then block. If he shows up anyway & won’t leave, call the cops.