This friend of mine from high school and I met up after a year of not seeing each other last late December. She asked me to be her bridesmaid and I said yes. Fast forward a few months of basically no communication and I get added into a group chat with the other bridesmaids. I can’t attend most events, especially getting to see the dress fitting because I go to another university a few hours away and I’m constantly swamped with work. I’m not really in the loop of events and topics.
Finally comes the discussion of the bachelorette and it’s a trip. She chooses a destination and it ends up being a bit more expensive than I presumed but it was still within budget for me so I agreed. It then ends up being rescheduled. 3 of them are no longer in college but I still am and it happened to be on my birthday and finals week (which could make or break me, yk) I said that I could no longer attend.
The bride texts me a couple weeks later and asks if I got the hotel yet. I said no, I didn’t even know where or what the plans were since I was not in the loop of anything for months. She tells me to text the travelers agent for details and so I do that. I knew that this was a destination wedding to Mexico but didnt realize the costs..
I text the traveler agent for the details. She said it’s a 3 days minimum at the hotel and it’s 1.7k (I believe before taxes and fees) just for the hotel. My heart sank because my car was just totaled and I had to spend 6k out of my pocket to fix it. This didn’t include the flight, activities, gifts, etc. I’m in college and haven’t had a job since I take a ton of hours and also didn’t have a car for months. I’m also a junior in engineering so my life has been nothing but school, school, school. I texted the bride and told her that I didn’t think I could afford that.. It’s been over a month and she hasn’t texted me back about it. After adding up the costs, it would’ve been around 3k to attend this thing since I also have to buy a specific dress.
All of my friends said it’s not worth the stress+ financial burden and that it was wrong to be expected to pay that at such a young age. But those are my friends so I expected them to be biased. Am I the asshole for not wanting to pay all of that when I have a year and a half of school left and just went through financial burden that she knows about??
There’s no conflict here?
You said you can’t afford it. You haven’t had a response since.
No conflict.
You must not be a women with friends…the silence is deafening.
The silence is what scares me the most. I don’t want issues at all. I just want a response of “it’s ok, I understand” or something. Even if she was upset with me, I’d want her to express it and not go ghost on me, yk? We have a great past and I don’t want this to taint it. I’m just not in a good financial state, at the moment.
The problem is that you were vague.
What is she supposed to do with *”I don’t think I can afford that”*? Can you, or not? Are you backing out or asking for her to help? Offer you a cheaper option? She’s probably ignoring you because she too busy to work out what you even want never mind what to do about it.
You need to nail this down definitively with no wiggle room, no questions, and most importantly **nothing for her to do**.
Send her a lovely flowery message saying that you’ve worked through the finances and your school schedule and there’s definitely no possibility that you can attend. That you’re honoured to have been asked, sad you won’t be able to be there, and that you wish them the best possible day and every happiness afterwards, and hope you’ll be able to see her for a catch up and a look at the photos when she’s back and everything has settled down.
Really lay it on thick, even if you don’t really mean it all, because we’re trying to overwhelm any irritation she might have at you bailing with such overwhelming positivity that she can’t stay mad.
NTA. If you dont have the money, you don’t have the money. She’ll live and, if she’s a real friend, won’t hold your financial situation against you as if it’s a personal slight.
NTA. Even if you were a working professional with loads of money to spare, it is unreasonable for a bride to expect people to go through this much expense. More importantly, all of these costs should have been communicated up front. Either when she asked or slightly after, she should have had all of these figures or at least estimated and provided them to you and the rest of the party.
I would be more direct here. Try calling her, she does deserve at least a proper conversation. Tell her you were surprised by this amount, that you cannot afford this, and that you have to back out.
NTA and she’s not a considerate bride.
NTA. I can’t ever imagine spending that to attend a wedding. If my friend was close enough to want me as a bridesmaid I know she’d make sure it was in my budget to be able to cover accommodation etc. No one I love would book a destination wedding and assume I could afford it.
telling you it’s a destination wedding should have been done as soon as they decided. It kind of feels like they were deliberately not telling you things so you wouldn’t go
NTA. I did not know bridesmaids paid for all that. I purchased the dresses for my bridesmaids, paid for the rentals on tuxedos for the groomsmen and purchased thank you gifts.
Even when my daughter got married – we bought all the dresses and told the girls we’d pay for the alterations.
It’s unfair for the bride to ask her bridal party to be responsible for the cost.
NTA. That’s a lot of money even for a working person.
NTA. The fact the bride didn’t even text you back speaks volumes. It’s perfectly ok to step back when things are out of your budget, but it doesn’t even sound like this woman is a good friend to you
You don’t even need to state that you are a student. Unless you are filfy rich, the sum is not reasonable.
And I can’t understand the couple – how out of touch are they? What went through their minds when picking the venue? That people would be happy to spend thousands of dollars just for the privilege to see them getting married? Talk about self-centered. For me, it would be a good reason to rethink this friendship.
NTA Back when I got married (30 years ago) our best friend was our Maid of Honor and we had 2-3 bridesmaids… sometimes more if you had a big family and lots of sisters/cousins. It was a given that the dresses would hideous but they were never overly expensive even though we were all trust fund kids. There was a shower that the MOH coordinated and it was at her house. We played silly games and had finger food, champagne punch, and cake. It was a blast! The bridal party would sometimes have a special luncheon which the bride hosted as a thank you. We are all still married and still friends. I just don’t get these extravagant galas for multiple celebrations with such entitled brides. Destination everything and expecting your friends to go into debt is just ridiculous and no real friend would behave that way. If you’re in multiple weddings and have to spend $5k every time, that adds up to the cost of a car. Being in debt is a horrible way to start your adult life. Finances are the major reason for divorce so doing all of this to celebrate a wedding seems antithetical.
I applaud you for prioritizing your education… you’re bound to have some very lucrative opportunities coming your way. I promise you, you will never regret this decision. Best of luck to you.
P.S. Though YOU are NTA, the bride sure seems to be an AH. I would never wish for a marriage to fail, but from life experience, I give her Marriage 5 years tops.