My wife’s birthday is in a couple weeks and she said she wants spend some time in a hotel or somewhere away from the house. She also wanted to do something with her twin sister. I was thinking going abroad (we’re in the UK for context) but she didn’t want to travel. We have children, which we won’t/can’t part with when on holiday and her sister has children too.
Part of the problem is when it comes to me suggesting a holiday, a place to go etc. she shows no enthusiasm or engagement at all. A couple nights in a hotel is going to cost at least £500 so I want to make sure she’s onboard etc. I arranged a call with her sister and she didn’t even bother get involved just walked off. I try and talk to her about suggestions and I get the typical short answers, "whatever you want" etc.
Now, I appreciate she would want me to put together something and sort it all out myself, but when we’re spending so much money next to Christmas, it would be good to have some kind of discussion about it or her at least show some kind of excitement. I just don’t want to book somewhere and she spends most of the time staying in the hotel or complaining that she doesn’t feel safe (which has happened the last two times I’ve arranged a family holiday).
I’ve ended up not booking anything (her sister pulled out because of the cost) and told her we’ll just do a dinner or something. Now she’s upset.
AITA? Should I have just booked something or right to be sceptical after she showed no enthusiasm?
“Hey honey, I noticed that you don’t seem very excited for the vacation. Is something wrong?”
YTA. Communicate with your wife lol
Maybe she wants to have a getaway with just her sister – no spouses or kids?
ESH. The lack of clear communication on both sides is frustrating.
What she wants for her birthday:
* spend some time in a hotel away from the house
* spend some time with you and her sister
* not travel
What you have suggested: travel abroad. When she doesn’t want to travel and her sister can’t afford it. She doesn’t show enthusiasm? You’re doing nothing.
Yes, you should have booked something that she asked for. Get a nice hotel for a night or two someplace nearby. Have a nice evening, dinner, get a babysitter. Spend the day with the kids and her sister doing something fun together the next day.
You don’t think a hotel is a worthwhile expense unless you’re doing a big trip. She doesn’t want a big trip. She *does* want to get away from the house. It’s not your birthday, its hers.
YTA
Nailed it – OP should have arranged a babysitter and found a hotel with a spa or something else his wife likes so she can relax and not be mum for a day or two
Not to mention the bull about “spending money close to Christmas.” Okay so her birthday is 1000% never worth it to him to celebrate because its never going to be not next to Christmas. My kid, husband and I all have birthdays within 6 weeks of Christmas. My half the members of my family have Christmas adjacent birthdays, including my nephew, grandmothers, aunt, BIL. The suggestion that people’s birthdays matter less at Christmas time sucks and automatically triggers a YTA.
YTA you want to get her a gift but you want her to pick it out and plan it herself? Your wife wants a break from the mental load. The way you are handling this puts the burden back on her. And instead of trying, you just give up and go with “dinner out”.
If she doesn’t want to leave the hotel, find a resort that has everything on site: restaurant, spa, pool, etc. This isn’t hard.
I mean, maybe she’s not excited because she wants to celebrate with her sister and you took that as a family vacation including her sister instead of the two of them sharing a vacation together..
Sure maybe you couldn’t part with your kids if you both went, but what is keeping her from going to celebrate with her sister without you or the children?
This would address the issue of leaving the children. It would address the Financial component, because one person is traveling and not an entire family.
YTA It’s not hard to book a weekend vacation somewhere. You’re blaming her for your lack of enthusiasm.
YTA. You didn’t listen to what your wife wanted: an evening in a hotel without her children, with her sister, in a place where she feels comfortanle and safe. A hotel in the next county would have been sufficient for her, I’m sure.
Instead you jumped to “abroad” which isn’t what she wants, and even then bailed on the idea because she didn’t show the right *enthusiasm* for it.
Get her and her sister a weekend at a nice hotel, maybe a spa day. Have a lovely dinner, though.
YTA. I’m guessing that a big part of what your wife wanted was to not have to deal with the logistics.
She told you what she wanted and it was up to you to figure the rest out. But you didn’t even half-ass this, you completely failed.
It doesn’t matter if you stayed in the hotel. That’s what she asked for. But it’s not your preferred vaca so you did nothing. You suck.
I think you need to be booking a spa weekend for your wife and her sister, while you stay home and look after the kids.
Or even just a city break for the two of them or something.
Sounds like your wife could do with a break that she doesn’t have to plan.
She’s probably tired of having to organise her own birthday along with yours and the kids.
I get that you want to make sure she’ll enjoy it but your basically telling her what your booking and asking if she’s okay with it, is it what she wants, when etc, so she’s basically doing it for you.
So it didn’t occur to you to book a spa package for her with a room with two double beds and send her and her sister off while YOU look after all the kids. AKA give her a real weekend vacation?
YTA
This is basically what she asked him for! Not a vacation traveling somewhere while still being a mom, doing all the mom things on her birthday.
Wife: I want to spend time away from the house in a hotel with my twin.
Op: ok, I got it! I’ll book an extravagant holiday for the entire family abroad that costs more money than your sister can afford, and you can still wear your mom hat. What? Why you so stand-offish? What’s the problem? THIS IS WHAT YOU ASKED FOR!
I think I might ask myself how much of the mental load is my wife doing? How much of the daily chores is my wife doing? She seems burnt out.
It sounds like she just wants time where nobody’s asking her to do anything for them and I guess that includes you. It’s not her fault that her birthday is near Christmas…. You know it’s near Christmas and you can save All year for her birthday and Christmas.
It also sounds like you’re asking her to figure out what hotel she wants .. but the whole point if she doesn’t wanna have to do anything.
Does she have any friends? Can you ask them?
Can’t you look for a local bed-and-breakfast?