So this happened last weekend. My name Nicole (26F) have a close friend Lauren (27F). We get along well, but she’s always been a bit… spontaneous. Like she loves doing grand gestures and last-minute plans, while I’m more of a please text me before showing up type of person. On Saturday, I had already planned a quiet day at home to catch up on cleaning and some work stuff I’d been putting off. Around noon, I get a text from Lena saying, “I’m five minutes away! I brought food. Surprise!!” I honestly thought she was joking at first. She wasn’t. At that exact moment, I was in the middle of reorganizing my whole apartment everything was everywhere, laundry on the couch, cleaning supplies out, laptop open with deadlines. I wasn’t in a place to host anyone, let alone someone planning to hang out all afternoon. So I called her and said, as politely as I could, “Hey, I appreciate the surprise, but today really isn’t good for me. Can we do tomorrow instead? I want to actually be present when we hang out, not rushing around stressed.” She got quiet but said “Okay” and left without coming up. Later that night I got a long text saying I killed the vibe, that she was trying to do something nice, and that most friends would be happy someone brought them food and company. She also said she felt embarrassed for trying. I told her I wasn’t upset at all and I appreciated the thought just not the timing. She left me on read. Now a couple mutual friends think I should’ve just let her in for an hour because she went out of her way to bring food. Others said she was being inconsiderate by showing up unannounced and expecting me to drop everything. I honestly wasn’t trying to hurt her feelings. I just wasn’t prepared for a surprise drop-in. AITA for not letting her come up and asking to reschedule instead?
NTA. It’s really rude of her. I would have gone so far as to lock the door, and tell her you were out of town or somewhere else.
NTA
Its rude to turn up without warning and then be pissed you’re not merrily accommodated.
Hopefully this will teach her not to pull this again.
What might have taught her to not pull it again, is if OP had welcomed her in to put her to work. “Can’t take a break unless I get some help first, kitchen floor and counters need cleaning, thanks for helping out!”
She’s probably just writing OP off as a stick-in-the-mud. Since for her, others exist for what she wants them to do with her, rather than have lives of their own.
NTA that is the risk you take when you surprise drop in on someone. if you are not emotionally prepared to be turned away, then you have no business springing you presence on someone
>Others said she was being inconsiderate by showing up unannounced and expecting me to drop everything.
“Others” are right. You spring a surprise, you take the risk that your timing is awful.
NTA. Would have been N-A-H if she didn’t act all butt hurt that you didn’t drop everything to revolve your life around her timing. This is one of those cases where the heart is in the right place, but the brains are elsewhere.
Thank you
NTA. She was rude and should have called. Spare us from people who NEVER think of others, just their own pleasure.
NTA It was your friend’s decision to take the risk that it’d be a bad time. If she’s not okay with that potential outcome, then she shouldn’t roll the die.
Nta
Friends who care about me know that surprises do not bring me pleasure. So if you were doing a surprise it was for yourself not for me. I want to see you, I love you, but don’t pretend that you had my needs and wants in mind when you made your plans
Yep. At the very least, a simple “hey what are you doing Saturday bc I’ll be in town and planning on kidnapping you for a bit. Lmk when this kidnapping will work with your schedule lol”.. then she’d know Sunday is a better kidnapping day
And then, whatever you do will be a surprise.
NTA
I understand you don’t think
You were doing something that warranted to say no, but you could
Have been.
You could have been in the middle of getting ready for other guest, or have one already, or on your way out.
If someone is going to try to stop by last minute, they are going to have to get a tough skin for the no, I’m busy.
You did nothing wrong.
You might even be the one that should be a little
Hurt that she thinks there is no way you could possibly be busy and even bet buying food and getting to your home.
There’s no “letting her in for an hour,” because you’ll be back at the same issue in an hour, wondering how to get her to leave without being upset. Spontaneous people have to realize their way isn’t everyone’s way and get over it. I despise surprise visits, as I’m a person that needs time to get used to the fact my solitude is being disturbed lol
Surprise visits and plans are not a goowill gesture, they are a clear sign that they don’t care to or your are not important enought to take the time to plan things out.
People have busy lives, schedules and we have plans made. Sure we can sometimes change them with only a half a day notice, but sometimes we can’t even with a 3 days notice.
If your want somebody to participate in something you need to make plans with them to do so. So they can fit it into their schedule.
Someone calling and saying they have picked up food and are 5 min away, without even checking if your were home or hungry before getting food, did not get the food for you. they got the food for themselves, they just need someplace to eat it or didn’t want to sit alone in a resturant.
Is this was about the two of your spending time together, they world have called you atleast a day ahead of time to make plans.
As for her saying you killed the vibe, i would have responded with what vibe? We didn’t make plans to do anything together today and i already have made other plans that dont allow me to be a last min unexpected host. Would love to get together in the future, and we should make some plans.