My mom got back from church and she was making breakfast for us and started whistling to a song from church. I asked her to stop whistling ( i probably could have asked a little less coldly) and she called me selfish.
I am very likely on the autism spectrum, and at the very least highly neurodivergent. I’m very sensitive to sounds to a point high pitched sounds like whistling genuinely hurt me. I’ve tried to explain this to her many times but she’ll often call me sensitive or imply i’m being weak.
Me- “Could you whistle in your head”
Mom- Scoffs and looks at me weird before saying something along the lines of “You’re being sensitive, you need to learn how to deal with things that bother you”
She then proceeds to give me a mini “teaching moment” on how my needs aren’t more important than someone else’s, and it’s selfish for me to try to get people to change around me, rather than me change around people.
I then tried to explain how I don’t feel that’s right and that people should be able to make compromises. In my view, whistling is a pleasure that’s not a *need*, and it was actively hurting me. I feel that not hurting my ears is a slightly greater need. While I do completely understand that she shouldn’t have to stop something she enjoys doing simply because it bothers me, we could have reached a compromise like her whistling a little quieter, or humming softly instead. When I mentioned this possibility, she again scoffed and looked at me like I was being over dramatic.
It constantly feels like she dosent respect my hurts and needs, while I am constantly trying to respect and understand hers. Recently I’ve had to do a lot of gentle parenting to my mom to have her understand her own needs and sensitivities. Personally, I would think that gradually reaching an understanding that you (my mom) have needs that are best met, and sensitivities that hurt, would bring more empathy and understanding to those with the same thing. This dosent often seem to be the case with her.
Edit- In most situations leaving the room is an option but not this time! She finds it disrespectful to leave while food is almost ready and I’m not allowed to eat in my room. I appreciate saying I should leave the room but I simply didn’t want to cause a bigger conflict this time !! I am also already in the process of getting headphones, were just waiting for the money.
I don’t find this whole situation a big deal because frankly it’s not, but what do you think about her argument? Was it wrong for me to ask her to stop because it’s something she enjoys? Do I have to “man up and power through” situations like this so I can face the “real world”? Is it selfish to ask someone to accommodate my ear sensitivity by not whistling? I’m not super sure what to make of this and would like an opinion.
Get earplugs, love. Eargasm or Loops or even cheap foam. I carry them on my keys everywhere in case things get too loud or get high pitched.
Maybe she’s also autistic and that’s a form of stimming for her. (It is for myself and my son)
Wear earplugs or leave the room. Is she being inconsiderate? Absolutely. But you can’t fix that. Focus on what you can control.
YTA. If you’re that sensitive to noise, you need to get yourself sound cancelling headphones.
If she was making you breakfast, she couldn’t leave…you could. Boundaries aren’t things you force other people into. If you don’t like the sound of her whistling, you can walk away. Put in earbuds. Get earplugs…..
You can certainly ask her nicely, but you don’t get ti control her. YTA
Soft YTA. Yes, the whistling bothers you and that matters. Its also partly a you problem. What solutions have you come up with other than controlling a other person’s behavior. These teaching moments are good for you, though your mom’s words arent. You aren’t weak or selfish but you have a very unrealistic expectation of what the world looks like. You are going to encounter things like this every day. When you are in your own home ad paying the bills you can say things like no whistling. Until then you can kindle ask that someone stop but be prepared for the word no. Boundaries are things you define for yourself. If someone whistles leave the room. Put on headphones.