Throwaway.
English is not my first language and I am really worked up right now. So pardon me for any grammar or typos.
Me 34F and Mark 37M(not real name) met 5 years back when we both were freshly divorced and had really young kids. It felt like a rebound from both ends.But as time progressed we realised we were really compatible and started something serious.2 years back we made it official.That’s when we introduced our kids to each other.We both have boys,9 years.I have full custody as his dad is not in the picture(story for another day).He has the kid for vacations as his ex lives in another state.Our kids doesn’t get along that well(boys that age, u know how they are) but they haven’t spent that much time together so everything is well n good till now.
We were planning the wedding in the next 6 months so we moved in together 6 months back.This is the first time my son,Nick, has a father figure in his life full time and he n Mark really bonded.Nick had a play at school next month.He invited both of us and we were really excited.
But 2 weeks back Mark’s ex called him and informed his son had a similar event at his school on the same date. His son wanted him to attend as it was his first event.But it was same with Nick and Mark made a promise to him before this new info. So I insisted he politely let his ex know he couldn’t attend and we can do something else to make up for it.Last week Mark had a talk with Nick and told him he will take him to his fav amusement park next weekend because he will be out of state for his recital.Nick is really sad but putting up a brave face.
I tried to have a rational talk with Mark but he is hell bent on going for his kids event. It really feels like he is not seeing Nick as his own.Our talk escalated and now Mark is saying he needs to reevaluate our relationship if this is how I am going to be. I don’t even know how to respond to that. You are being an a\*\* to my son and then lecturing me.AITA for asking him to honor his promise to Nick?
YTA. This is a no-win situation; whatever he choses he will disappoint one of his children. Instead of trying to understand that and support him, you’ve decided to shame and blame him. If that’s your approach to such a situation – that if it’s not *your* biological child taking precedence over everything then you blame everyone else, and you won’t accept compromise – then clearly you’re not ready and able to accept a blended family situation.
YTA. he cannot choose stepson over his bio kid, and if you value him, you will not demand he put your kid ahead of his own. Your son needs to learn plans change, and unless you want stepson to truly hate you and your son forever, you will stop demanding he pick your kid over his own. your kid is not his own, and you and your son need to allow space for his kid. You cannot cut out his bio kid because you picked a bad baby daddy for yours.
WTF, Lady. Of course YTA. His kid has an event his FATHER wants to attend. Of course he’s going to attend his kid’s event.
Are you reading what you have written?
Are you really expecting him to go to the event of the child he sees every single day and not attend the event of the child he doesn’t get to see often?
YTA, he never sees his other son. He sees your son all the time. Your son even gets to choose his favourite amusement park to go with his dad another weekend, his other son doesn’t get that choice. You think his other kid wouldn’t love to go to an amusement park with his dad?
Your son gets to see your partner love and care and be a dad everyday of the year, the other son doesnt. Your son may feel let down, but he has the benefit of the other interactions over the next days, weeks, and months show him his dad shows up for him.
If he doesn’t go to his others sons event, his other son will have months to stew and remunerate on his dad letting him down, without his dad to being able to make it up in other ways straight away, and rather than nip those feeling in the bud, like he can with your son, it will just fester and be unhealthy in the other.
These things matter. Do you want an upset 9 yearold for a few days, or an upset 9 year old for a few months thinking his father doesnt care?
YTA. . When scheduling conflicts like this one take place, there needs to be heaping servings of understanding on all sides. But Mark’s bio son has to be his priority because he has no other father.
Rather than to support Mark’s decision to go to his bio son’s event, you insisted that he *politely* place his own son second.
The two of you have been living together for all of six months. That’s nowhere near enough time for he and Nick to develop the kinds of bonds that you think they should have developed. Also, I must wonder about your own bonds with Mark’s son. I notice that, unlike the case for Nick, you didn’t give him a (fictitious) name; and you’re quite dismissive of the fact that he and your son don’t seem to get along because “*boys that age, u know how they are;”* but that everything is okay because “*they haven’t spent that much time together*.” In other words, Mark’s son is out of sight, out of mind.
I end up agreeing with Mark. Whether you realize it or not, your actions and words indicate that you value Mark’s son and Mark’s relationship to his son way less than you value your own bio son and his relationship to Mark.