I 33f and my husband 32m have three children together. Our oldest 7f is the only granddaughter but my boys are also the only grandsons. I point this out because over the years I have noticed obvious favoritism towards my daughter. She is the only one my MIL calls to talk to (both boys speak just fine at 5&3), my daughter is the only one that gets posts made about her for up to a month before her birthday, her birthday gifts are things like big doll houses or something extremely personal to her interests, my daughter is the only child they’ve ever taken for even an afternoon out. My MIL recently made a post about "missing her baby girl, oh and her brothers" which to me makes it seem like the boys arent even her grandchildren or idk I just disliked the way they were just thrown in at the end of her post. Last night I received a text from MIL, she was showing me gifts she had made for the three kids. I immediately took issue with them. Dont get me wrong, theyre extremely well made adorable crocheted characters. However my daughter’s is of course customized with one of her favorite characters and the boys are just generic gingerbread men. I dont know if im just projecting my own childhood issues or if it is favoritism. Im sure if it is its simply the "oldest grandchild" that someone else suggested, but unfortunately to me thats still just unfair. If youre not going to put the extra effort in for my son’s then do the same for my daughter. It is not fair for my boys to see their sister getting "special" gifts while they get matching generic gifts. Just do em all generic at that point. Idk. My husband agreed with how it looks and always has but also I dont have an involved family so he isn’t keen on ruffling feathers with his ‘barely present but better than nothing family dynamic.’ So reddit WIBTA for saying thanks but no thanks to the gifts? MIL makes these and more for her vendor shows and I would more than willingly accept even just a little girl gingerbread over the character based one for my daughter.
YWNBTA for saying no, but I’d suggest a compromise. Tell MIL that 5M and 3M are getting older and have dedicated interests u would love to see incorporated into their gifts now too that they have developed personalities of their own. It does not have to be accusatory “You favorite 7F with this” but more just “We love the individuality in 7F’s gifts. I think 5M and 3M would love some individuality in theirs too now that they enjoy XYZ and ABC, Do u think we could incorporate that somehow?”
It does just sound like a classic case of first grandchild favoritism and likely not from a place of malice, but it’s hard to know without knowing the whole dynamic, too, y’know?
Thank you. I definitely didnt want it to come off the wrong way because I know its not intentional. I just couldn’t find the right way through my own frustration.
Also, nip this husband problem in the bud. His mother’s display of toxic relationship dynamics are not “better than nothing.”
One child developing a case of entitlement and the other two feeling unseen and unloved is going to create problems that you will have to repair. If you can repair them, which isn’t guaranteed.
INFO- have you discussed this favoritism with your MIL? If so, what has her response been?
I’m not OP, but I can tell you what my MIL did in 1989 when she spent at least $100 on each of her 2 grandsons for Xmas and $2 each on her 4 granddaughters. I pointed out that it wasn’t fair to the girls, and she started screeching about being on a fixed income and how dare I criticize her for how she chose to spend her gift budget. They couldn’t afford to give everyone expensive presents!
Gee, looks to me like $200+ (over $500 in today’s money) divided 6 ways, more or less evenly, would let you get everyone a fairly nice gift.
Have you spoken with her at length and expressed your concerns? Of course Grandma wants to talk to the 7 year old and not the 3 year old. Feeling closer to the older child makes sense, generally, as they have more to talk about and specific interests.
Favoritism isn’t awesome though and it will eventually be noticed, but it’s possible she doesn’t realize she’s doing it. You need to have a conversation with her.
Not accepting the gifts is shitty. Especially if you’ve never spoken to her about it. I suspect your own childhood is influencing your reaction here, otherwise you would have already had the conversation (or not assumed/been looking for the worst). You’ve reached the point where you’re resentful and are already demonizing her, which seems pretty outsized considering the things you mentioned.
When you have kids, all of your childhood trauma rears its ugly head in new and interesting ways. It’s worth considering.
ESH. You need to have an honest calm discussion with your MIL. I was the favoritism child and I also hated it. I always felt so bad for my brother. I was the only girl on both sides. If she doesn’t course correct immediately then you ask her to linger purchase gifts for your children and only contribute to savings or nothing at all.
It sounds like grandma has an easier time connecting with your daughter than she does the boys because of gender similarities. But even if she doesn’t, its sort of natural for humans to have favorite people. Of course parents and grandparents ought to make an effort to at least \*seem\* more neutral, but no one is perfect.
NTA, though because I do get it. I would maybe suggest not making a big deal of this because it bothers **you**, but instead only if you know it is bothering your boys.
Does grandma have any daughters or just sons?
Why would you choose the nuclear route when you can just have a conversation with your MIL? You even said you know she’s not doing it intentionally.
Good grief.
YWBTA to refuse gifts without even talking to your MIL first.
Question… Did she phone and talk to daughter when she was 3? 5? Were her gifts at that she highly personalized? I’m wondering if it’s more an age thing… I’m not at all comfortable with littles. Alternately, did she only have sons of her own and maybe always want a girl?
They have always been over the top about daughters gifts. Sadly they flat out told us they were less excited that we were having another child when we announced our second so its always been different towards my younger kids. But as far as calling MIL has always video chatted “with daughter”. Even when daughter was barely 1 so i had to hold the phone and all that. In fact its been less contact over the years.
When my second was 2 I addressed the fact that his birthday was yet again forgotten and at the time there was already a post about my daughter’s birthday which was over a month away.
My youngest just gets the same kind of gifts my second got. Boy themed but not personal to them.
MIL has two sons and a daughter. Husband is the oldest.
No, you wouldn’t, but I would go be honest and tell her that you guys see the favoritism and it needs to stop because eventually your children will see it.I’m surprised your five year old doesn’t see it because they do start noticing it very young, even if they don’t say they notice it, they do. And if this continues, it’s gonna cause issues in your own family between your children, there’s going to be a lot of hate between them if this keeps going on.
NTA. Grandparents who treat siblings differently are NOT better than nothing. That behavior could affect your kids’ sibling dynamics for the rest of their lives. You need to shut that shit down now, and emphasize that you love them equally and that they deserve to be loved equally.