I met my husband 15 years ago. In 2019, we got engaged. It wasn’t like a get down on one knee engagement or anything, so I don’t remember the day. We were in the midst of buying a house, and my mom nonchalantly said, "You should get engaged," and we basically just agreed and considered ourselves engaged from then on. We started planning the wedding and we (I, being the spooky October-born Scorpio that I am) wanted an October wedding. COVID hit, and we had no idea when we would be able to have the wedding, so we got legally married on the anniversary of our first kiss, which was in the summer. A year later, when things calmed down, we got back to wedding planning for our wedding with family and had it in mid-October. It was beautiful, but I was also going through a miscarriage on our wedding day, so I was dissociating through most of it.
Since then, I have had twins on Halloween. They are toddlers now. My sister met a man a little over a year ago. His name is the same as my husband’s name. This year, they hosted Halloween/my kids’ birthday at their house. It was very nice and special. When we left, a few minutes later, we got a text that they had gotten engaged. I was a little upset that they chose to get engaged on my kid’s birthday/my favorite holiday, but I knew that was a little petty of me. Like, why not get engaged after a nice family get-together, I guess? I remember turning to my husband in the car and saying, jokingly at the time, "As long as they don’t get married in October, I’ll be fine."
This past weekend, my mom, my sister, and I all went wedding dress shopping. As my sister was getting dressed, my mom mentioned they were looking to get married in October. I was surprised at how quickly I started to cry. And I said (trying to be funny and light), "I can’t have October? It’s my thing. It’s always been my thing." My mom was surprised that I was upset, but I’ve always been the spooky Halloween/Oct. obsessed one. I pulled myself together by the time my sister came out of the dressing room, and I later told my mom, "I’m not really upset, I guess. I’m upset that I even got upset."
I also had to hear my mom go on and on about how my sister looked gorgeous in every dress, because she has the best figure. I am overweight and had been when I went dress shopping for my dress, and I felt like I heard a lot of negative things. She said during one of the dresses my sister had on, "I gave my best genes to you." It had me thinking, "I can’t even be the prettiest sister to get married to a (husband/future BIL name) in October."
I just messaged my mom a few days later and explained that I can’t help it, I’m upset. I don’t want to cry at my sister’s wedding over trivial things, but I know that’s who I am. WIBTA for asking her to see if my sister could do her wedding at the end of September, instead of October?
YWBTA. You can’t just claim an entire month.
Dude, her life is unlikely to be about you.
Unless there is some history, she’s not marrying someone who has your husband’s name only for the name.
She’s not marrying in October because you did, too.
You don’t own October.
Get over yourself.
More than AH, you have too much time on your hands to worry about these petty things. How does a mom of twins even find time for this?
Oh, honey. You’re obviously still processing your grief for the baby and the wedding you lost out on but yes, yta if you ask your sister not to have the wedding she wants because you didn’t get the one you wanted.
You can’t be serious… Your sister shouldn’t get married because ‘October is your thing’?
That’s not how it works.
YTA
Jesus wept, yes YWBTA. I can’t believe what I just read.
Soft YTA, and I say that with compassion. (And ESH if we include your mom in the mix.)
October isn’t your intellectual property. You don’t own the month, even if it’s your favorite and even if your wedding day was wrapped up in grief and trauma. Your sister getting married in October doesn’t erase your October wedding, your October babies, or your personality. It just means… she also likes the month.
What is hurting you here has nothing to do with the date. It’s the miscarriage tied to your wedding. It’s your mom comparing bodies. It’s you feeling overshadowed. That pain is real, but the wedding month won’t fix it. Asking your sister to move her date would make things worse, not better.
You’re not wrong for feeling emotional; feelings don’t make you TA. But acting on them by asking her to change a major wedding plan? No — that is crossing a line.
Please to a therapist or someone you trust about the grief underneath this. Leave the calendar alone. **You are attaching far to much emotion to a man-made demarcation of time.**
YTA, you don’t own October. Well I’ll spoil it further for you, my birthday is in October. My brother too, one of his children, my husband, his brother and his his niece.
Get over it.
Wow, you are special aren’t you? Why would it matter what day your sister gets engaged? Why would it matter what month anyone gets married? Main character much?
YTA
YTA – get over yourself. Is everyone you know not supposed to have any celebrations in October? And what does the future BIL’s name have to do with anything? Is your sister supposed to reject everyone with the same name as your husband?
Your mom is an AH for making that comment to your sister about her ‘genes’.
YTA. The month isn’t yours, your mom made the rude comment not your sister. And her fiancees name is not your husband’s to own outright. You are literally finding ways to be unhappy and make this about yourself. Big time YTA. Get over yourself.
Please tell me you’re not serious. You sound exhausing. Please get yourself into therapy. YTA
YWBTA.
You don’t get to gate keep an entire month because it’s your favorite month, the month you were born, the month your twins were born, and the month you got married. That’s absolutely not how the world works, AT ALL. You’re making this entire thing about you.
This entire thing kind of reads like you may be unconsciously bitter and possibly jealous. You’re mentioning the fact that her fiancé has the same name as your husband. (Okay and?) As soon as they got engaged, you made it about you by kind of minimizing it, and then telling your husband you hope they don’t get married in October. You’re making it about you at the dress fitting.
And while I understand being upset about your mother (the genes comment was rude imo), then you be an adult and have that conversation at another time and go from there. Rightfully so, you were upset and I would be too.
OP, if you’re not, I think you should talk to someone because this is really upsetting. I understand wanting something to yourself, but you don’t get to say an entire month is yours because you planned everything that way. Maybe your sister wanted to celebrate her engagement anniversary; that’s not all that uncommon.
Don’t ask her to change her wedding day. You really would be the one damaging relationships with likely your entire family over this weird need to gate keep a month. You could have made this something really happy to share with your sister. You two could have planned something so cool with your kids in the wedding. And you’re more worried about yourself.
Hate to break it to you both, but *I own October*!
YTA. Let’s see why.
You seem to be bent out of shape that your sister is in a relationship with a man who has the same first name as your husband. Did you tell her she couldn’t do that? How magnanimous of you to allow that.
You got upset they got engaged at a party at THEIR house which they generously extended to your kids’ birthday. But you didn’t even know until afterwards, which means they didn’t take attention away from your kids. Is Halloween even your kids’ birthday?
You got upset that your mother showered attention on your sister. Did it occur to you that your sister may have been embarrassed by that?
And now you’re all out of sorts that she dare want an October wedding? Is it a Halloween wedding? You can’t hog an entire month just because you like Halloween and are a Scorpio.
I think you’re just upset you didn’t get your “on one knee proposal” and a full-blown Halloween wedding. You need to take a breath and dial back the woe-is-me dramatics.