I had a best friend for almost nine years. We were extremely close. he lived with me for a time, we travelled together, and had keys to each other’s homes. I was dealing with hormonal and thyroid issues that made me very anxious, I became triggered by something minor and responded poorly. I asked him why he seemed to be distancing himself, including whether he felt jealous of opportunities I was getting in our shared field, whether he was uncomfortable when people treated us like a “couple” despite his long-term relationship, whether I had been used as a dog-sitter, and whether racial dynamics played a role (i’m Black; he had made comments about me being “sassy”). I wasn’t trying to be offensive, but I recognize now how hurtful the comments were.
After this, he stopped speaking to me entirely and only had his partner communicate with me. I reached out 6 times over 4 months twice to arrange returning his belongings, which I eventually left on his porch. Then I received an email from him accusing me of stalking him, sending gifts, contacting his family, and being an abuser, and threatening legal action. None of that was true, and the escalation felt shocking. I replied acknowledging his feelings but clarifying I had not done those things and wanted to clear the air, even if we didn’t remain friends.
A month later, I randomly ran into his partner at the gym. His partner asked if he knew I went there, which made me uncomfortable. I messaged my former friend again saying we needed to clear the air because I was starting to feel unsafe. A mutual friend even suggested I should move away, which felt like bullying. Another mutual friend refused to tell me what was happening despite my asking.
I backed off completely for a month. Then I received a cease-and-desist letter with the same accusations and threats of criminal action. His lawyer said he instructed them not to speak with me. I again asked a mutual friend for clarity, and she didn’t answer. Around this time, I was also the victim of cyber fraud, and I started to worry whether everything was somehow connected. I became extremely anxious and barely left my house, especially since we live close to each other.
Eventually, I decided the only way to resolve this was to ask the police to investigate both the allegations and the cyber fraud. I relayed this through his lawyer with a sincere apology. The police later told me that while I should not contact him if he doesn’t want contact, there was nothing to the accusations about gifts or stalking. I also learned that my former friend had asked our mutual friend to tell me not to contact him, even though she had previously avoided answering when I asked her directly.
Now I’m left wondering if I’m the asshole. I know I triggered everything with my initial comments, and I regret them deeply. But the level of escalation after such a long and loving friendship feels disproportionate and confusing, and I’m struggling to make sense of it.
Nta. He’s gone insane (or some mental illness that he won’t get checked for, paranoid maybe?) and hates you clearly. Make sure to document everything, and keep living your life. Do NOT speak to him, his partner or ANYONE that knows him personally anymore. Don’t mention him AT ALL. Document everything from now on
So, just to clarify. He was lying about the stalking & gifts?
I feel you’re leaving vital information out here and really playing the victim. You don’t just get a C&D without proof of something going on.
You said that you were dealing with anxiety, were triggered by something minor and reacted badly. What happened? What did you do? Because this is when it started with him wanting distance from you, distance you would not give him.
The C&D came from a lawyer, not exactly hard to pay a lawyer to send one
Also want to add I don’t necessarily want to be the victim. I accept that I shouldn’t have not reached out for reconciliation when he didn’t want contact
But I think making things legal and making it appear that something “more” was going on was not totally justified? It’s like someone was sending him death threats or something (lol nothing like that happened at all. I just kept saying sorry).
It was weird to make it legal and not provide any information for false accusations. There has never been any detail nor will anyone provide it that we knew. IRS strange and odd, but I have police records showing nothing happened so….
Your response was offensive, but I’m failing to see why he thinks you’re stalking to begin with. I can see the emails from you backing his claims. I think you were offensive and he is pissed and being petty. ESH.
I’m going with YTA – I appreciate you are sad to lose your friend and trying to make sense of what happened. It sucks.
But whatever you said or did while you were having those health issues made him decide to not spend as much time with you.
The one thing I can see is you kept contacting him. When you ran into the partner at the gym and she asked if you knew he went there – the gut reaction was to contact him. People don’t want to be involved, won’t answer, etc.
Now maybe he’s totally overreacting, it’s possible. But it doesn’t change the fact he doesn’t want contact. Just bc it isn’t a police matter doesn’t mean it’s ok to keep messaging him.
It sucks and I’m sorry you lost a friend, but it happens and just accept it and take care of yourself!
Seems like the dude maybe had feelings 4 U. Like ol mate b4 said, document evthing! And move forward with your life. Don’t let him dictate how U feel, or restrict your happiness. Let it go and be kind to yourself. He’s trying to punish you so he can feel justified for his actions.
Don’t let the bastard get U down!
What makes you think he had feelings? I really don’t think so (I also was friends with this partner).
But I have been in a better space about it all, but wanted some outside perspective so appreciate it!
You can’t make sense of everything and not all answers are given. YTA for not letting the friendship go immediately when it became clear this friend needed space.
Remember, it’s not always what you want. You want answers and he didn’t want to give them, so you should have dropped contact immediately. Of course you are sorry for how you behaved, but that doesn’t mean because you realized you were Ont he wrong that the friendship has to forgive and forget.
.
YTA. He has requested numerous times that you stop contacting him in any way, yet you have persisted. STOP.
You will likely never get the answers you are seeking, so you need to let it go. If you are struggling with that, then you need to find a way to work through that, without the former friend’s (or any other person tangentially involved) input. See a therapist if needed.
It’s time to move on. Sadly, sometimes we don’t get the closure that we want from failed relationships.
To be clear, I had stopped contacting him. It was the false accusations with the legal action that started getting me concerned.