I’ve been with my gf for a few months and it’s going well. She’s very nice to me but I’ve noticed when we hang out with her friends she talks to them in a way that I find really condescending and rude. It always feels like she’s trying to take them down a peg or make them feel silly. Occasionally I’ve noticed them seem a bit taken aback, but most of the time they don’t really react. I guess it’s normal to them or maybe they don’t mind. But I know that if one of my friends spoke to me in that way, I’d find it pretty disrespectful and I’d be quite upset.
It’s making me feel uncomfortable when we hang out with her friends and I’m tempted to say something to her. I’m not sure whether to tell her how I feel, or if it’s inappropriate, bearing in mind these are her long standing friendships and I’ve only known her a few months. I also don’t know how the friends feel about being spoken to this way.
Do I tell her how I feel or just stay out of it?
TL;DR: My gf speaks to her friends in a condescending and rude way and it makes me feel uncomfortable, not sure whether to tell her how I feel or not
This behavior will turn to you. Right now she is putting on her best face but that mask will drop. You should tell her that you don’t find her behavior attractive and it’s giving you a lot of red flags. Not sure what you would want out of that since she won’t be changing her core behaviors.
I wouldn’t even say it’s not attractive. It would give her something to run with and turn back on him. Maybe say you find her language mean and worrisome. Bring it up in a way where you’re more uncomfortable than anything
Exactly. OP move on. She’s not a good person. She’s an AH who treats people close to her terribly.
If it bothers you, talk to her in private. Ask her why she treats her friends this way and giveexamples. If she doubles down and defends her behavior, she is probably not a person you want to date. If she treats her friends like crap, she’s eventually gonna treat you like crap.
First of all her friends are adults and don’t need you to save them. If they don’t have the guts to speak up on their own then that’s on them.
That being said if you say something it’s not going to change anything. This is likely just who she really is and at some point as the relationship progresses will be directed at you
umm red flag?? how she treats her friends could be how she’ll eventually treat you once the honeymoon phase ends. maybe have a convo about it to see if she even realizes she’s doing it.
We date so that we can truly know a person and see if we’re compatible. She’s 30. This is who she is. I’d find it a tad repulsive. A lot. You’re thinking a chat might change who she is and that’s magical thinking. The question you should ask is if this person stays exactly as they are, will I be happy that I chose them a year down the road. Or 30 years. Move on. You must know by now that expecting this level of change is a fools errand.
You have every right to call her out on her behavior and treatment of her friends and set a boundary that if she speaks to you in that way, you will break-up with her.
“I’m uncomfortable with the rude way you speak to your friends; I find it very condescending and difficult to listen to. Why do you speak to them like that? For example, (give 1 or 2 examples).”
*She gives her interpretation (which she’ll swear means she’s NOT actually rude/condescending).*
You do with that insight what you will.
1. As someone else pointed out, when she’s ‘comfortable enough’ in YOUR relationship, she’ll start to speak to you in this manner, also.
2. If you don’t want to wait for that day, tell her that her behavior REALLY gives you pause about getting serious in a LTR with someone who treats people she supposedly cares about in such a harshly. Tell her that you really don’t want to stand by and watch people be treated callously by her. At some point, she’ll do it again and you’ll have to decide WHERE your boundary lies with regard to dismissive/insulting behavior to others in your presence. *Personally, I’d tell her the NEXT TIME it happens, you’re done with the relationship. My guess is it won’t be long before you’re broken up.*
How we comport ourselves with people both familiar and strange to us tells a lot about who we are as people. People who are nice to strangers but not their friends are disingenuous. Would you ever be able to trust that she truly feels one way or another or is being honest with her feelings based on this?