I have known my boyfriend for close to 7 years. We were always good friends and the attraction was always there, but it was never a "good time." One or both of us had always been in relationships and in the beginning I was weirded out by the age gap.
About 9 months ago we finally were both single and decided to try a relationship together. Everything has been going great, except one thing. I feel like he can’t let go of his failed marriage. His ex wife had an affair about 2 years ago, which ended their marriage. I can understand how this can cause trauma and trust issues (my ex also had an affair), but he seems to dwell on it at times. Sometimes he refers to her as his "whore ex wife" and when memories pop up on his socials, he will comment on them "thanks for reminded me of my ex wife’s affair."
I’ve always been the type of person who says "well that’s a thing that happened and it sucked but it’s the past." I was also not as open and public about my ex’s affair so there are no memories on my socials.
I’ve been through therapy and he is currently still in therapy. I know people handle things differently and I accept that. Sometimes I just wonder if it’s the age difference and difference in maturity level, or if he really is stuck on what happened to him. I want to continue our relationship, as I truly do love him and everything else in the relationship is wonderful. I just don’t know if I can handle bringing his ex up and dwelling on it.
So, reddit… Is he stuck?
He isn’t ready to date again. He needs to spend time being alone and get the therapy before entering a relationship. This behavior is not normal and if he doesn’t address it, he will turn on your relationship and you.
So you are both cheaters and not just your exes but he is stucked there. Because emotional cheating is still cheating OP, you aren’t saints because you had emotional affair going on. I bet he still has feelings for his ex btw and you are his rebound because you were there at the “right” time. I am also sure if you don’t leave him he will leave for someone else. But if you want to be fair with yourself you should realise he isn’t your “One” and not just because he is too young for you.
I never once said we had an emotional affair. We were friends, kept it friends.
Thank you for your insight. We were just friends and kept our conversations as that while we were in other relationships. We liked each other, yes. That was as far as it went.
The healthy thing for someone to do is to process their grief and anger _before_ jumping into a new relationship. Because now his method of processing it is to barf it up all over you, and your relationship has become his therapy.
honestly that age gap is giving me pause.. especially if you’ve known him since he was 22? just feels a bit off tbh.
I think you need to tell him that you are uncomfortable with how he emotes about his ex-wife. Regardless of what she did talking about another woman in such derogatory words would make me really uncomfortable. I get she hurt him but his anger towards her would make me uncomfortable too.
The fact he is in therapy is a good sign, but honestly he needs to bring up this issue with the therapist so that they can maybe help him navigate his way through it and through this issue with you.
I think how he responds to you bringing it up will help to show you if he is the right person for you. If he listens and takes it onboard then great but if he reacts in pretty much any other way then I would say that tells you a great deal.
Thank you for the insight. I think you’re right. I do need to bring it up to him and tell him I’m uncomfortable. I never refer to any of my ex’s on negative terms.