Hello everyone, I’m leaving some quick context before the main point as it’s relevant to the argument. I (m20) live with my dad and his gf and last year after my dad’s gf had a stroke, she has taken a bit of a physical decline in walking and strength to the point me and my dad were having to be 24/7 caregivers as she couldn’t even stand up without the help of two people. Two weeks ago she was finally transported to a nursing rehab place, and we had been visiting every day basically (me when I could, I do not drive so my dad takes me to and from work and visits with her)
On the 26th she had another stroke, a minor one that left no lasting damage and she was fine the following day but still at the hospital to make sure. The 29th rolls around and it’s my birthday, i’m at home the entire time as someone has to be home with our dogs and I expected my dad to at least stop by. I call him and text him with no reply the entire day until 7pm where he calls to wish me a happy birthday instead of coming to visit me or even take me to the hospital to visit his gf there. Cool fine whatever, it really upset me but there was nothing I could do about it.
So then thats how it was, she got transferred back to the rehab place and my dad has been staying at the place with her (they allowed it), and three days ago is when the argument happened. I ended up hurting my back at work (I have a herniated disc, I ended up aggravating it further) and had to BEG him to come get me and take me to the doctors office as I could barely move or walk due to the pressure, pain, and swelling. He takes me to the doctor and I get prescribed meds and he takes me back home and I was given restrictions and told to limit mobility for the most part. He leaves me alone in the house with no help with the dogs or moving for that fact in favor of going to the rehab place. The next day rolls around and I wait for him to come get me so we can go pick up my meds and it finally hits 4pm so I call him and ask him when he was coming to pick me up. He tells me
"I’m not thinking about you right now, I can only think about her." And to "figure it out" and that really made me angry because ONE I am his child?? And TWO she has 24/7 access to nurses he doesn’t NEED to be there??
So that’s what I told him, I admit I was really nasty to him and I ended up hanging up on him and have been cold to him and now he’s upset with me and calling me a dick after basically up and leaving me over my birthday AND with a physical injury with 4 dogs and no help KNOWING I can barely walk and having NO meds at all to help with the pain. I have been straight up ignoring him and his phone calls and now my brother and my dad’s gf thinks that i’m the one in the wrong for being upset??
No, you’re not the asshole. Like, you can understand your father’s concern, but not giving a damn about what happens to you is already too much.
I won’t call anyone an asshole in this situation. It sounds like your father is about at the breaking point, though, and you have as much obligation to consider his situation as he does yours. The “cold shoulder”, regardless of circumstances, is an immature way to deal with problems.
NTA. Do you have a friend or any family members/coworkers that could help you? You need more support in your life because from this, it sounds like your father is not there for you. No one can do life alone… your father is in the wrong here, but there probably isn’t much you can do to change that so it’s best to seek other sources of support for yourself. Happy belated birthday.. in case no one told you 🙂
NTA, you’re completely dependent on him right now and he’s failing to see that. You could’ve talked a little nicer to him but I understand why you snapped. I hope you feel better soon.
OP’s dad is slowly losing his loved one, moving her into assisted living, keeping his own bills paid, providing housing for his adult son, providing full time transportation to the adult son, and with the holidays coming up he has a *lot* on his plate, *then*, on top of it OP is now expecting dad to become full time caretaker and drop everything.
YTA OP, your parents may never stop being your parents, but at some point we stop being kids and need to see them as human. Your herniated disc will be treated, she’s not coming out of assisted living. While you’ll always be a priority, it’s okay to understand that you won’t always be the TOP priority, and unfortunately a declining partner is more important.
YTA. You have an injury, she has had life threatening issues which are ongoing. I appreciate that you need support, but you’re 20 and need to have a network that expands beyond your dad. Also, if you can learn to drive you should. Expecting him to be your chauffer forever isn’t reasonable. Further, spending days giving him the cold shoulder is immature and cruel.
YTA. You are an adult. Get a Uber
YTA (but lightly said).
Now I don’t think your dad was right to leave you when you were injured, I can’t picture my dad ever doing that, because family always comes first.
However, you have to realise that your injury isn’t life threatening, and his gf needs support to be able to continue living normally. Her rehab and treatment could make or break the rest of her quality of life, and that is obviously much more urgent than a herniated disk (while I sympathise, it is painful af, and horrible to go through, especially alone, I am sorry you’re dealing with that).
And here’s the part I really disagree with, which is you resenting he left you on your birthday. Bro, what makes that one random day mean so much to you? Yeah, you were born that day 20 years ago, but that doesn’t mean the world stops spinning for you to feel special on it. If the day meant so much to you, go spend time with them in the place they’re forced to be. The dogs can survive 2hrs alone (and if not, you have to re-evaluate your choices and their training).
You’re not a bad guy, but you are being selfish, and now you’re ignoring him, and it’s shitty of you to do that. He’s also a human, he’s also going through shit, and you’re being a bit immature, in my opinion.
Sorry if this made you feel worse, but you did ask, and this is my honest opinion.
YTA, but I don’t mean it harshly. Your dad has SO much on his plate right now. He is struggling. It sucks that he missed your birthday, but you’re 20 now. You might as well learn now that your birthdays as an adult just aren’t the big deal they were as a kid. And if you have a brother, could he not take you to get meds? Could you not have them delivered?
Anyway long story short, you need to grow up. Happy belated birthday, I hope you feel better soon (I have back problems, too, have for decades, it’s awful) but you HAVE to start figuring this shit out on your own. And give your dad a break.
You’re not an asshole but you seem immature and overly demanding of and dependent on your dad. Wouldn’t hurt you to take some responsibility for yourself and grab some emotional independence. Some of your reactions seem more in line with what you’d expect from a 12 year old not a 20 year old
YTA. Because a cold shoulder is just not productive.
As an aside as a 20 year old you can figure out how to do some stuff.
INFO: did you explicitly have an agreement with your dad that he will be the one to drive you to pick up your meds?
Because now it sounds like that was your expectation of him but it was not communicated beforehand.
Now your father is the one trying to reach out, you will be TA if you keep on ignoring him. Silent treatments rarely solve anything, and in your case won’t help get your meds sooner.
NTA. God forbid a 20 year old have emotions! God forbid a freshly 20 year old is living at home! God forbid an adult child living at home be anything other than a silent servant! Children are a lifetime commitment. Marriage isn’t, and especially girlfriends aren’t. Yall hate to hear it but 40-50% of first marriages end in divorce, and 60-75% of second marriages.