I 30F had one of the worst weeks of my life at work. Everything was chaotic, my manager was rude to me because of stress, and I had to commute 1.5 hours each way every day this week (normally only 3 days in office). I was exhausted, overwhelmed, and honestly hanging by a thread.
Meanwhile, my husband 30M has a much easier situation — better job, higher salary, stable company, and only a 15-minute commute. I don’t think he really understands my struggles.
We’re supposed to move apartments soon, and he had a viewing. I told him I couldn’t go because of work and i was venting about it then he started blaming me, saying I don’t put boundaries at work and it’s my fault people treat me badly. He said he can’t rely on me, even though I pay 50/50 and handle the house too and i was also applying for new apartments.
The next day it escalated worse. He asked me about my work and i didnt want to talk because i dont think he’ll understand so he gave me an attitude then i told him this is why that i dont feel safe venting to him anymore. Then he started responded by calling me “toxic,” saying I don’t know how to communicate and this is why im in these situations that I let everyone disrespect me, and that he can’t take responsibility for “dealing with my job like I’m a child.”
He also said that you want to live the best life here but you dont want to work and want to stay home and bills get paid for you.
I was crying and overwhelmed because i worked hard my all life after my father died and never asked him or anyone for help, I known him for 14 years and stood by him in his worst when he was also without a job or transitioning then he criticized my tone and said even my voice when I cry is “traumatic” for him.
He is a daily weed smoker and this has caused fights before when i asked him to moderate and he rejected but I stopped fighting him on it recently. I don’t know if this plays a part as he was a also not feeling so good mentally and always felt kinda pressured.
Although i remember when he doesn’t feel good I always try to make him feel better and even accepted his daily weed smoking because he needs it although i feel I shouldn’t have.
The part that broke me: at the end he said,
“If you were a man, I’d hit you so badly.”
I can’t look at him the same way since. I feel so much resentment, I don’t know how i feel?
Next time start with the daily weed smoker and wants to hit you part.
This dude sounds insecure af and is wanting to tear you down to make himself feel superior.
He hates her but doesn’t want to leave the comfort of the relationship.
He resents her because he’s “made it” and feels he could now be getting with the insane sex-goddess baddies he’s hearing about all the same, and feels like she’s an anchor.
And the anger comes from feeling like a failure because he can’t actually bring himself to make the tough choice and strike out on his own, to take a risk. Anger is always about the self, your own failures (real or perceived.)
OP, you’ve lost him a long time ago. The only thing you’re gambling with now is your future, and potentially your life. Bad situations can go to worse. You’re not good for each other.
Him threatening you with a looming fear of violence is not okay. If there’s some reason you want to repair the marriage I would suggest setting up extremely clear boundaries “if you threaten, imply a threat, or actually commit any act of violence I will leave you immediately.” Then demand marriage counseling – if he says the way you speak is toxic or traumatic then he’s already basically admitted he needs it.
Were I in your shoes though, I’d probably look at leaving him. Look I’ve said some things to my wife that I regret in the heat of a fight. But it sounds like he is manipulative at best and violent at worst. What you need is a supportive team mate in life, not someone like this.
If you do go the leaving route, prepare for it carefully. There’s great advice on Reddit about doing that safely.
That all sounds lame as hell. Daily weed smokers definitely have mood swings but they will deny this because they don’t realize they are being affected by it. It’s very obvious to the non-stoned people that live with them however. How dare he threaten to hit you, because that’s exactly what he did, while trying to pretend that it’s hypothetical by saying “if you were a man”. So gross.
Keep applying for apartments though, ones very close by to your job. When you find one you like sign up for it and move there. You don’t need to ask anyone’s permission. If he doesn’t want to move that far away from his job, you can just leave him behind. (Would recommend this).
He sounds like an ungrateful, self- centered bully that is taking away happiness from your life. Ask yourself, what would your Dad think if he saw you being treated like this? I’m sure he’d want better for you. You are definitely young enough to start over with someone much nicer and have a happy future.
Regardless of what caused all of this and who’s at fault. If the claim that he’d hit you if you were a man is true, pack a bag and see a lawyer.
💯
Just that claim *alone* should be enough for her to dump his shitty ass.
I wouldn’t say that to a friend, I don’t think I’d say that to a stranger or enemy, let alone my wife
Yeah thats not a man for sure.
Truth is he wouldnt wouldnt hit a man …only a pussy would say that to a women, let alone their wife with the intentions of scaring them.
I honestly wonder how many red flags op overlooked in favor for physical attraction, wealth and status.
I’ve seen this way too often.
He’s thought about hitting you before but stopped himself because you’re a woman. Next time the fists could be flying. Get out! 😧
OP your entire post history is how miserable your husband makes you. Draw your own conclusions….
Almost the entire history is this one post on a billion different subs. OP married a dude and expected him to change.
Ladies – don’t do that.
Best thing I ever heard was from a female coworker/roommate (no romance) I had. She said, “the problem most relationships face is that the woman expects the man to change and he doesn’t, while the man expects the woman not to change and she does”.
Two things:
Husband needs to go.
Work is just work. The second you leave who cares. You’re stressing yourself out for no reason. Fuck your job. It’s a place to go so you get paid. Don’t take problems home with you, wipe it away, forget. Takes some time to switch that mentality but work on it
OP, a glance at your post history makes it clear what you need to do. You are 30 years old, and there’s no reason in the world for you to think this marriage is it. Nobody should get married in their 20s, but if people are going to keep doing it, thank god our culture is increasingly normalizing divorce. You need to start thinking about the separation, and getting more comfortable with what you’ll do next. Don’t look for another relationship to hop to, look at what your single-l, self-reliant life will look like and get ready to live it the best way you can. You’re going to be very happy.