Sorry this may be a long one. I’m vague in parts just in case the person is on here.
So my (F31) soon to be sister in law (F33) asked me in 2024 to be a bridesmaid for their 2026 wedding, knowing that I have a chronic health condition that is unpredictable and I had already had 2 previous surgeries for the last being in 2023, which was emergency surgery and came out of nowhere, before she asked. So she knows about my condition and that it is unpredictable, but she still asked.
I said yes because I want to be there for my brother, and at the time I didn’t know that I would end up needing my third brain surgery back in May this year and now I need another surgery because the last surgery something has gone wrong and needs fixing plus they’re planning on doing some more things on top of fixing the problem. Plus since my last surgery my balance is really bad, even standing still I can start to fall over and I probably look drunk to other people when out in public because I struggle to walk in a straight line, I’m losing more feeling in my arm (my dominant arm) that also has nerve pain right through it and if we don’t fix the problem I will eventually end up paralysed. I have chronic headaches, which I have literally had the same headache now for the last 14yrs, I do not remember what it’s like to not have a headache, it just varies in intensity, every waking moment I’m in pain. There are a lot of other symptoms too but they are the biggest problems.
I told my sister in law that I would pull out of being a bridesmaid because I didn’t know when my surgery was going to be (which I do now and it’s only 2 months before the wedding and we never know how long my recovery will be. I’m my neurosurgeons problem child) and I didn’t want to be a burden or an unkown factor in the wedding, that way she doesn’t have to stress about whether I can make it or not. Then I don’t have to stress either about being able to make it, but we can’t put the surgery off any longer, it has to be done sooner rather than later.
I have explained the 2 different surgeries to her that they are planning to do and they are both incredibly invasive and have a very high risk of me ending up worse off, but we can’t leave it as is, because I will, without a doubt, end up paralysed if we don’t do anything and my SIL does not seem to care at all. She never responds to what is going on, all she does is tell me I’m a disappointment. I’m pretty sure at this point I could die in surgery and she’d still be calling me a disappointment and not care at all.
She’s called me a disappointment a fair few times now because I can’t and haven’t been able to do things, we live 5hrs away and I am in tears because of the pain by the end of the first hr. I have explained to her why I can’t do certain things, but at this point I think she just doesn’t believe me. It’s like she thinks I’ve just had 3 brain surgeries for fun and now I’ve decided it’s so fun, I’m going to do a 4th, trust me when I say, I do not recommend brain surgery unless you need it because it sucks and I’ve been through hell and now my surgeon has just recently said I’ll be having surgery for the rest of my life, but SIL doesn’t react to any of that, except for calling me a disappointment.
It’s not like I want to miss out on all these fun things. But there isn’t much I can do, I have no control over my health condition. Again I said yes, not knowing I was going to end up needing more surgeries, we thought the second surgery (the emergency surgery) would sort it out, but it unfortunately didn’t. But all I ever get from SIL is that I’m a disappointment and she’s called me a disappointment many other times simply because I couldn’t get there to see them etc. Her go to is always calling me a disappointment and making me feel like I’m the worst person in the world because I can’t do a lot of what someone without a health condition can do. I’ve never said anything nasty back at her because I still want my brother in my life, as difficult as she’s trying to make it.
So AITAH for pulling out of being a bridesmaid for needing surgery I didn’t know I was going to need (She’s had at least 6 months notice so it isn’t a last minute thing)
You shouldn’t have agreed to any such obligations while knowing of your medical ”unpredictability.” Nevertheless, NTA.
Well the only unpredictability at the time she asked was because of that second surgery I had that came out of nowhere, that was done close enough to a yearish before she asked me and at that point we thought things we sorted. It was only after she asked, a few months later I found out that I would need more surgery and that’s when it became properly unpredictable. I hope that makes sense, I should have worded that part a bit better. But thank you for your comment.
NTA and stop contact with SIL all together until she apologises. Honestly the fact your brother doesn’t intervene into this mess is weird at the very least. Stop worrying about this crazy woman and focus on your health. Wishing you successful surgeries and a swift recovery
Instead of answering her back I have called my brother and I’ve told him but he is a big softy and doesn’t want to hurt anyone. So he defends her but he also tells me that he doesn’t think I’m a disappointment. So at this point now I just shut down when she says it.
Thank you very much for your well wishes I appreciate it.
Notice how he defends her but not you? It is not about softy.
Please “don’t shut down”, just don’t meet her at all – out of sight, out of mind. if she is coming to visit, go have a walk with a friend or smth. If she is unavoidable, just stand on the other side of the room and talk to someone else. At this point I would drop out of the wedding completely, bc wtf. She should not exist in your universe until she comes to her senses.
Yeah, it hurts a bit when he does that. My brother and I have always been close, but since he’s been with her that has changed. She seemed alright at first, but ever since they got engaged she’s really started showing her true colours.
I have dropped out completely now because I don’t want or need to be stressed about it all either. Even though I am stressing about it now 🤦♀️ but I have enough to worry about let alone that. If I do manage to go to the wedding as a guest I will be doing my best not to acknowledge her. I’m determined to show up just to shove it in her face that I’m there when she was so sure I wouldn’t be.
I don’t know if she’ll ever come to her senses or ever even apologise. She doesn’t see anything wrong with what she’s done/doing and I don’t think she ever will see it.
Wow.
I’d be telling her to fuck right off, frankly.
And what is her fiancé doing to manage this for you? They should be stepping up here.
NTA
Oh believe there has been a LOT I’ve wanted to say to her, but I haven’t because I want my brother in my life. I feel like SIL is trying to isolate my brother but I refuse to let that happen. He’s a big softy and doesn’t want to hurt anyone so he does defend her but he also says he doesn’t think I’m a disappointment. But hearing it so many times now I’ve just started to shut down.
NTA
NTA, you have been very forthcoming about your situation and gave plenty of time in advance.
Think of the biggest distraction you can be as a bridesmaid. Let’s be creative.
Start by telling your SIL that you can be a bridesmaid but as a precaution will have to be in a wheelchair. You will need a nurse to push you around and there is only one Nurse available to accompany you to the event and here is what to expect:
\-Nurse (Height 6’6”, Weight 250 lbs … born male transitioning into Female)
\-Uniform (scrubs, pink shoes for cancer awareness)
\-Equipment
back pack with medications/medical instruments/clipboard
\-Duties (push bridesmaid throughout venue, take vital readings)
I wonder if your SIL will reconsider having you as a bridesmaid and make these accommodations for you and a Nurse 😂
Hahahahaha oh I love that! 🤣🤣🤣 I needed that laugh too so thank you 😂🤣
I also had a super petty thought of showing up in the dress I wore for my brothers last wedding with his ex (I was a groomswoman). The bride told me after the wedding that she kept getting people coming up to her and saying how good I looked and then tacking on at the end that she looked good too. 🤣
NTA. It doesn’t take any medical training to know that brain surgery is very serious. Focus on your health and don’t respond to your brother’s fiancée
Since your brother is such a ‘softy’ — can you parents tell her how disappointed they are that she cannot recognize that you have a serious medical condition and are continuing to hound you? Someone needs to tell Bridezilla she is not the center of the universe. Love the idea of bringing long the 6’6″ transitioning nurse to push you around. And yah, I’m worried for your brother if she is that self-centered. But he needs to come to that realization on his own. . . you pointing it out will only negatively impact your relationship with him. Good luck with your surgery!!!
How dare you need brain surgery?!?! Especially on a day someone else wants to do some thing!!! So selfish.
NTA. Seriously. Shouldn’t even have to ask