My husband and I have lived in our home together for ten years. A few years ago, an elderly neighbor several houses down the street stopped my husband in the street and asked him for help. He did. We help everyone- we have a lovely street actually. Everyone is helpful and kind. This particular neighbor we had never met before because again, she is elderly and a few houses down the street from us so it’s not like we are in talking distance usually. We have several other elderly neighbors next to and in front of us that we also help out. Anyways, my husband and this lady finally meet and he helps her. She asks for his number and he obliges. This starts nearly two years of calls for help. And not a “oh shoot can you bring my garbage to the curb this week”, but more like “please move my bed into another room” and “please remove the fence from my backyard and dispose of the old wood”. It has been a lot. He would be away for hours at a time. And we are not the only neighbors this happens to, it’s kind of a thing, we have found out. Anyways so this is going on for a long time and my husband started to feel overwhelmed. We have 3 children, our own home, a cottage, and our own aging relatives. He kind of stops answering most of her calls.
One day, she catches him outside, and basically has been begging him to give her my phone number and he finally did. Since then (September), she has called me almost every single day and sometimes multiple times a day. Even in the middle of the night. Now she is taking me away from the family for hours at a time. This elderly lady is living alone and is relying on A LOT of neighbor help to get by. I’m not exaggerating – multiple people have stopped answering the calls because it is incessant and many times unnecessary. I have voicemails of her crying on the phone to me about many different things.
I suspect there MAY be some beginnings of dimentia but as her neighbor, I have no idea! I don’t really trust anything she says, for many reasons, so it’s not like I could just ask her if she has it. So, after two straight weeks of her calling me all times of the day, and my husband having to go over and help her up because she fell and soiled herself, I decided to call her daughter. I am concerned for her, she is alone and confused and her family does not seem to care at all. I told my neighbor she should at least be wearing a life-alert necklace and tell her daughters that she fell so they can arrange that, and she said no. Anyways I want to know what I’m dealing with- is her memory going or is she just lonely? Is she a lifelong manipulator narcissist and now I’m her next target? And since I can’t get real answers from my neighbor, yeah I called the daughter.
My neighbor was so mad at me. She said that I had no right to do that. Then she accused me of gossiping because I talked to another neighbor about her sump pump (she had called 3 of us in the middle of the night about it). She asked for her spare key back from me. And she said “I’m just gonna sell the place and get outta here” and looked so disgusted at me. I feel horrible!! I honestly am just trying to figure out the best way to help her. She needs more help than us neighbors can give. And I just can’t help but think… if my mom’s neighbor was doing the things she is asking me to… I would be livid. She’s shown me her bank statements and given me her phone, asked me to handle accounts for her. Usually I set a boundary there but she could be taken advantage of so easily!
Anyways, sorry if this is all over the place. If you have questions ask away. Did I overstep? #aitah for calling the daughter? Idk. I’m just at my wits end and frustrated the family does not seem to help or care at all, and if I’m going to be helping her then I need to know what is really going on with her, because for my own sanity there can be different ways to handle it. Lonely? Omg absolutely let’s get a visiting schedule put together that works for everyone. I’m not available all the time, I work and have children to care for. Dimentia? Let’s get her proper care and coordinate contact info so we can all work together so she is safe. And I know this sounds a little harsh but the way that their family is, I suspect they had a rough go of things, so if she’s some kind of narcissistic manipulator then please let me know so I don’t feel bad for ignoring some of the calls or being very direct with her when saying “no, I cannot help”.
What did the daughter say when you called her?
She did not even answer! I left a voicemail basically saying “hey it’s your moms neighbor, just calling to check in about her fall the other week, I’m worried about her alone over there and want to figure out the best way to help her”. She did not call me back. Basically the neighbor had asked for a paper of hers that I had so I was on my way over there anyways, but then randomly she texted me “please bring my key back too” and so I kind of figured the daughter called her and told her that I did call. So when I went over with the paper and key, she scolded me good🥹 I just told my neighbor: “you can be mad at me. I’m sorry you feel that way, but if you are going to wear a life alert necklace now because of that call then I am happy”. (She said she is going to get one now)
NTA at all. You’re really sweet and a good neighbor for taking care of her. The issue is that your elderly neighbor is kind of taking advantage of that. A lot of elderly people feel lonely so the only way they know how to express that is by asking for help around the house and making you feel guilty. My grandma does the same lol.
I think there’s two options here. Either you stop helping her completely and you’d be valid in doing so especially after she lectured you for you being concerned for her OR you can meet with your other neighbors and see if you can do a visiting schedule set up for her like you mentioned.
Thank you for your kind words!!
OF COURSE you aren’t the a$$hole. YOU DID EVERYTHING RIGHT. In fact IM IN THE EXACT SAME POSITION WITH AN ELDERLY NEIGHBOR (92,f), except we’ve come to a solution. Her husband passed a year or two ago, and she had all the neighbors at her beck and call. We even did the schedule thing. Some people were cleaning and mowing, some were spending hours every day with her, some were taking her to appointments. It got to the point where she expected it, and if you didn’t show up, she’d call a million times and make horrible, passive aggressive, manipulative comments.
Now, her only family live too far to help, except for one nephew who was actually one of us neighbors rotating on the schedule. When she started getting rude and mean, he told her he was goin to sell her house, and put her in a home.
She finally just hired a girl three days a week for 3-4 hours a day, at a monthly salary of 1500$, under the table.
I’d recommend something like that. It was nice to go back to being friendly neighbors instead of unpaid labor.
Ugh this sounds so familiar honestly. Though no relatives at all seem to want to help or get her a paid companion visitor.
Thank you!!
Then I’d recommend calling the daughter again, and insisting she become power of attorney before your neighbor does or doesn’t do something of a nature that puts someone’s health or safety at risk. You could also call social services.
Well, what did the daughter say? You’re leaving out the most important part here!
Overall, NTA for calling the daughter, but this is a problem of your own making. You and your husband and apparently your whole neighborhood are acting like it’s not an option to say “Wow, no, that’s hours of work and I have a family of my own, you need to hire a professional to help you with that.”
How is dodging her calls the solution over simply saying no? You seem to both think that if she manages to get you on the phone, that’s a magic incantation that forces you to do whatever she wants.
No. N-O. It’s two letters. The only reason this neighbor has gotten in the habit of using everyone in the neighborhood as her caregivers is that you all keep saying yes! What’s going on here? Are you all super religious and members of a sect that teaches never saying no to older people, or something?
If someone in my neighborhood started asking for this level of favors from neighbors constantly, they would either get over that habit or move out within a week. It’s one thing to borrow a cup of sugar. Removing someone’s fence for free?! Where do I need to move to have neighbors who will do THAT level of task for me for years before they ever start pushing back at all?
Hahaha idk, I have said no and then just walked her little self over to my house. 🙃 she stood there and was expecting me to invite her into my home but I’m a hard no on that! I said “here why don’t you sit on the bench outside” lol. My husband is a people pleaser and I have told him that “no” is a complete sentence too. I have no problem telling her no! I do want to look out for her though.
Oh and the daughter didn’t answer and didn’t call back! She just told my neighbor I called and then my neighbor scolded me.
Sounds like she may have burned out her daughter with this behavior, too, and the daughter called to give her an earful for continuing to do this stuff after being repeatedly warned to stop. Still not your problem.
If she walks over to your house after you’ve said no to her, ask her to leave. “Please go home. I told you I am not available today.”
Your husband needs to be on the same page. If you keep rewarding this, it’ll keep happening.
Help her in medical emergencies, but not with everyday tasks, and in a medical emergency please also call 911. You can also try calling Adult Protective Services to let them know she is a senior unable to care for herself who is sharing personal, sensitive financial information with near-strangers. There may not be much they can do if her daughter is unwilling to take responsibility, but it sounds like she actually should be under a conservatorship.
Interesting I didn’t think about conservatorship! I did call senior protective services but I think there is no sign of actual abuse so they didn’t do anything. They did check on her I think but ultimately just said “here’s my card if you need anything”.
I also suspected the rift between her and the daughters.
Annnnd yeah my husband is just ignoring or disappearing when she comes around lol 🙃
At this point I’m expecting her to not call me for a bit so that’s kind of good. I’ll just refuse to help her going forward unless it’s an emergency!
Oh and no not super religious lol I think that is hilarious- sounds like a cult or something. No no, just a nice neighborly street with a lot of people that have been here for decades. Many are catholic or Lutheran on my street, and though I personally grew up Lutheran, I don’t actively go to church or worship. Maybe it’s a Midwest thing. but I’m lol’ing at your response 😆
You could call Adult Protective Services and tell them about her. It sounds like she is not able to live safely on her own. They will not tell her that you are the one who called APS. They may be able to help her get some help to maintain her lifestyle. At least they could assess her situation and contact her children…who should be helping her anyway. You are definitely NOT the AH in my opinion anyway.