I am a 29 year old male and my mom is 60. We have never had a good relationship. For lack of a better term, my mom has always been an incredibly bitter person. I know it might sound exaggerated, but she genuinely seems to dislike happiness. Growing up, she would step in the way of anything that brought me even a small amount of joy.
As I got older I realized I did not have to tolerate that behavior forever, so I moved about 3000 miles away. I only see her maybe once every four years. Being away from her has allowed me to actually build a happy life for once.
Recently she has been spiraling again. This usually happens every so often, but this time she crossed a line for me. She has been cursing out random relatives and she even went after my great aunt. This aunt is the woman who basically raised us and is the matriarch of our entire family. She is 80, a widow, and lost both of her twins in a car accident years ago. She is one of the kindest people alive and has never done anything to hurt anyone. She is also extremely lonely since her children died.
My mom decided to curse her out over something that never even happened. She made up a whole story in her head, which is something she has done our entire lives. My aunt tried to explain but my mom just blew up on her.
After that I stopped talking to my mom. It has been about a month and a half. I feel like she has finally gone way too far. Disrespecting an elderly woman who supported our whole family through some of our darkest times is not something I can brush off. I cannot look past this one and pretend everything is fine.
Now some relatives are saying I should at least call my mom because she is “still my mom,” but I do not see why biology means I have to accept cruelty forever.
AITA for ignoring her and taking my aunt’s side?
While I am going with NTA due to your actions being justified, by your own admission there are indicators of mental health issues. As a victim of those issues, it may not be best for you to address them. However, understanding is not tolerance — you can understand something, and even empathize <gasp!>, without giving a free pass on the behavior. There are healthier ways of enforcing boundaries.
lol congrats on finally finding reason sufficient enough for you to cut off your mom. “It was cloudly” would have also been acceptable NAH.
It’s evident to me that your mom has undiagnosed mental issues, and no one has ever cared to address them with her. I understand staying away, as I had to step away from a parent with an addiction so I know the feeling. There is nothing you can do for your mom; she needs to seek and accept professional help for any underlying unresolved issues that have been following her all these years.
NTA
NTA. Support your great-aunt and handle contact with your mother the way you believe you should. I agree with others that she has untreated mental health issues but that’s not really your problem.
100% TA….u left your mom curse her out alone! Wow….what an ungrateful daughter
No. NTA.The fact that you moved so far away says a lot
She has issues, yes. But the only one who can admit they may need help on the MH dept is your mum.
It doesn’t mean she can treat people like crap and get a free pass. Especially someone who is well respected in the family and you are close to. I bet your mum isn’t sorry. She will never apologise. Not in the near future anyway. It’s OK to distance yourself and maintain a relationship with your aunt. It does sound like your mum gets some satisfaction from hurting people. Whether it’s that or the attention it generates.
I chose to distance myself from my mum. She can keep her drama. I tried for 40 years to be nice. In the end I had to choose to prioritise my family and myself. I told others not to tell me about her antics. If she sorts herself out, I might reconsider. I’ve had mental health issues and for the sake of my kids (my husband and myself),I was in therapy for a few years. I could admit I wasn’t doing well and my behaviour was hurting the people I care about the most. It’s not easy to admit, but your mum must know this conduct isn’t good for family relationships.
NTA, Go no contact and never look back. She can spend the rest of her life miserable by herself.
You don’t have to take cruelty forever and you are NTA. But be direct and tell her why you are going NC. And if people ask, tell them why. If they don’t, move on. Best in life.
NTA