So, I teenage female have been waiting to post this and trying to debate it in my head and i am having some serious doubts about having my dad’s last name. When I was 4 both of my parents got divorced which basically meant that I live with my mom 100% of the time. But its not about changing my last name like i would love to but its the future that worries me. I have 2 younger half-brothers who are 7 and 6. They live with my dad and their mom since well they have a different mom but same dad. My dad likes to pull stuff out of left field all the time. He doesn’t like my mom, and he surely shows signs of abandonment towards me. He never calls me only texts me and if he does its only 3 or 4 times a year. He calls me for maybe 6 minutes or less depends on if i take my brothers for the day.
Anyway my dad and I have never had any type of bond. The only bond we have is that we share the same DNA. My dad never made any commitment to see me like when it was my birthday he would forget and if i had concerts when i was younger or even like award ceremonies at school would never come and just use the excuse. "I am a truck driver i provide for you since child support is so expensive." That’s what he brings up a lot when i see him. "Why is child support getting higher! Your almost 18 it should stop when you turn 18. (It doesn’t stop until you graduate college normally.) Or if I ask him for some money he says, "Well I just paid child support, so I am not paying you." When my extended family on my dad’s side was up, he said to them That I am "mentally and emotionally unstable" because I wore my dead uncle’s hat since 2020!!!! My uncle was more of a dad to me than my own father so him saying that really hurt me because first of all not true and second of all who the hell says that to your family and right in your daughter’s face? He still talks to my mom side of the family, and he says we hang out every weekend. Which is a lie I haven’t seen him since June.
Me and my mom are closest. We are more than a mother and daughter duo. I can tell her and trust her with anything, and I genuinely love her so so much.
My father has 5 kids 1 daughter with another lady 2 daughters with my mom 2 sons with his current wife. My dad has 2 favorites, and you can definitely tell. All i can say I am definitely NOT one of those kids. I don’t think parents should have favorites but that’s just me.
I never go and see my dad to see him. I go to see my little brothers because they deserve to know who i am 1st of all and 2nd of all I love them of course. My dad likes to use random things for a source of power like for example he has says things like this when he got married for example me and my sister didn’t want to be part of their wedding. Then my dad said. "Fine then you are never going to hear from me ever again." So, I am scared that if I change my last name, he might actually cut me off because I like i said before I still want to see my brothers. So WIBTA (I am open to discuss)
Edit: I just wanted to also add I was bullied for my last name so I would like to change it because its like the past I don’t wanna remember.
NTA. You can chose your own name, and you can make it legally binding as well. You have to be comfortable in who you are and if that means changing your name then go for it.
NTA. Go ahead and change your name when you can.
Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people. There no reason why you shouldn’t take your mother’s name if she’s the one you feel closest to.
You’re a person not a possession he bought with his child support. You do you.
NTA. I had a semi-absent father growing up, and I resent him and his last name. I have siblings on his side, but I still kept in contact regardless of my father cutting me off for some time. Your siblings are at an age where they will remember you, and when older, can reach out. Worst comes to worst, just be frank with them at an appropriate discussion and tone, and let them know that you’ll always be there for them. When they get older and have social media reach out, this worked well between my siblings and me. If you’re not willing to relent, just wait till your brothers reach a certain age that they have more understanding, and if your relationship is strong and they have access to digital communication, then change your name. Regardless, best of luck.
NTA you can change your name and just not tell him. How is he gonna know given you barely talk?
That was my thinking as well. It’s not like he’s checking her ID every time she picks up his kids.
Speaking of which, why is he letting someone he says is “mentally and emotionally unstable” watch his kids? Dad of the year material..
A high school friend of mind changed his last name as an adult after his parents divorced. There never were close.
The biggest issue would be not seeing your brothers, but your dad is engaging in emotional blackmail. Could a relative help there?
NTA. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but as soon as you turn 18, hes going to take an even bigger step back from you. He’s been giving you the signs for quite a while. It doesnt matter what you do or dont do, if he could get away with cutting you off now, he would. But he cant right now because if he cut contact, he’d have to pay even more in child support.
If he whines about you changing your name, just tell him you’re taking the name of the parent that did more than just financially provide. You’re taking the name of the active parent, not the parent that acts like an ATM.
You can certainly change your last name and it is understandable with what you have described.
I give you credit for thinking of all the possibilities or your decision. Have you talked to your mother about wanting to do this?
Also: “The only bond we have is that we share the same DNA” Are you 100% sure of this statement you made?
NTA at all. My stepdaughter, who is very close to her father (my husband (and me before anyone says anything lol)) decided to change her last name to her mother’s maiden name, because of her close relationship with her maternal grandfather. And we all thought it was wonderful.
Alternatively when my husband and I got married I chose to keep my maiden name because of my close relationship with my family and that when my parents pass I will be the last with my maiden name from my family.
Heck! My husband changed his ENTIRE name when he was 18 because it never felt like “his name”. You need to what feels right for you, what makes you happy, and never mind what anyone else thinks.
A name is a name, and its yours, ultimately, to do with as you wish. You carry it, you use it, you say it, introduce yourself, sign it, etc. Be who feels right for you.
NTA. But if you’re worried about backlash you can just assume your mom’s name without legally changing it for now and then do it when your brothers are older and he has less power over your relationship with them.
I have always believed that it’s less important who you are and where you come from, than who you want to be, where you want to go, and how hard you’re willing to work on accomplishing those.
Become who you want to be. Your journey is yours and yours alone.
NTA. It’s your life so it’s your call. Your mum is basically your only parent so why not have her name.
NTA. Take whatever name you like! Honestly, your father doesn’t need to know. When you’re 18, he has no reason to know your legal name. It’s not as if he will be receiving your mail, or making financial or medical decisions for you.