I (white 26m) have been in my close friend’s (white 27f) gaming group chat for a couple of months. It’s mostly her friends who live near us, and I’ve met them all except L. The other day, my close friend and I were FaceTiming and playing Fortnite with L, who lives in another state, and L randomly said, “I don’t care if this sounds racist, but immigrants are the worst drivers. How come I get traffic tickets and they don’t? They can’t drive because their laws are different." I asked her if she was joking because it was so bad that it literally sounded like rage bait, but she was being dead serious. I was nonchalant and said, “I don’t know, that sounds like a hurtful stereotype to me. It sounds like you really take this really personally. Which immigrants are you talking about? European, or…?” and she says, “It is personal! Mexican, Taiwanese, Central American…” and other groups that I can’t remember. Keep in mind, L has an immigrant mother from Mexico and is a woman of color. I WISH that she would have stopped her tangent there, but the more she talked, the worse it got. The last straw for me was, “And Mexican men are even worse than Mexican women.” I just said that I couldn’t be part of this conversation anymore and left the call.
I’ve been trying to ignore her, but L reached out to me one on one and she said she "cares about our friendship" but insisted that not only does she have lived experience because she’s Hispanic and grew up on the border, but she has “statistics” that justify her point. She said, “Avoiding conversation with a person of immigrant background is contributing to the problem…If you think I’m stereotyping, where do you think stereotypes come from? They come from any race and a large group that does act that way…I felt disrespected that a white male was telling me about my own race and it made me uncomfortable myself.” Keep in mind that I have not said ANYTHING to her. She’s projecting that onto me. Like I said, I’ve been trying to ignore her.
Even if there are stats, I don’t think it’s ever fair to paint an entire group with a broad brush. I know that I’m white and she’s not, but for me, it’s not about being white or trying to be offended, it’s just about my values. Stereotyping any group doesn’t sit right with me, and I have the biggest ick. I feel like throwing up just typing this out. So I haven’t responded to any of her messages, and I removed myself from the group chat as well as our Discord, and unadded L on everything. I just don’t want to have a debate when clearly this person is bigoted and prejudiced, but I do love our other friends in the group. They still love her and can agree to disagree, but I don’t think I can. Is L right? Am I overreacting? AITA for walking away and refusing to engage with someone who made those comments?
TLDR: My friend stereotyped immigrants as “bad drivers,” defended it with personal experience and statistics, and I’ve ignored her since and don’t plan to accept an apology. AITA?
The US is the only country where I have received a ticket.
Why? Not because I was being wilfully reckless, but because the signs were totally foreign. It was my mistake, because I knew this beforehand and didn’t spend enough time getting to know them to the degree that I could comprehend them using only my peripheral vision.
In my case – not an immigrant, but a tourist – I would agree with your friend.
Those are two completely different things. An immigrant who lives in the United States almost certainly has a local driver’s license, making your situation not comparable.
YTA. “It’s not about being white or trying to be offended.” That’s exactly what it’s about. The fact that you tried to give her an ‘out’ by asking her if she was referring to ‘European’ immigrants is very telling. What, so it would be okay if she were trashing predominantly white immigrants’ driving abilities? Everything about this post is written with the cadence of a self-loathing white person. More to the point – you don’t sound stable. You burnt a bridge over this? Really? This is the most polarizing, hateful thing you’ve heard? I can’t imagine cutting contact with friends – even friends of friends – over something this innocuous.
NTA of course, she’s just insecure and projecting her issues to other immigrants. It’s funny cause the world makes fun of US Americans for being bad drivers lol (you can’t drive manual cars, straight roads without roundabouts, etc.)
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While your friend is not totally wrong that new immigrants don’t drive the way we would consider safe, it’s not JUST because they’re immigrants. In some countries, they will issue you a driver’s license if you carry one from another country without passing a road or competency test. Immigrants are set up to fail in new countries.
I’m not sure if you remember the stereotype than Asian women couldn’t drive well? Well… in some Asian countries they were not allowed to; here no such restrictions based on gender exist, but they don’t have the practice.
Your friend sounds angry, for whatever reason, and you sound like you’re white knighting. ESH
I promise I’m not trying to “white knight” anyone. Her comments repulse me. My stomach dropped. I’m a gay liberal and while I can handle disagreement, I can’t sit through someone doubling down on stereotypes and calling them justified.
Be that as it may, you asked if you were over-reacting and/or an a-hole, and I think that you are over-reacting, and that you’re both a-holes.
If this was really about your values you wouldn’t be running to the internet for validation, is all I’m saying.