Me (M22) and my boyfriend (M23) have been together for two years. I am gay and he is bisexual. We met our first year of college and had a shared friend group. One of the girls in the friend group, H, got pretty close with my boyfriend over the past few years.
She has done a few things that make me uncomfortable. when my bf and I first started dating, H sent him a picture of her in lingerie. He told her to delete it immediately because he was in a relationship, and she did and said she didn’t know, but my boyfriend didn’t tell me until he got drunk many weeks later.
H also wrote him a very long "going away" letter when she moved farther away. I was friends with her, as were our other mutual friends, but my bf was the only one who received a letter. He did not tell me about this, it took me seeing a text pop up from her on his phone asking if he’d read it for me to know about it. In the letter she said she loved him and treasured their relationship, he said he didn’t think it was important so didn’t tell me.
H texts him frequently that she loves him, sends him heart and kiss emojis when they end conversations, etc. She also seems controlling, a few weeks ago she sent him a long message about how she was upset he doesn’t talk to her as much as he "should". I have also seen H verbally attack and degrade him when he doesn’t agree with her opinions; he said he "doesn’t mind" but it is VERY odd to watch, especially when he would never be okay with me speaking to him that way, and rightfully so.
I asked my bf if he could reduce all the flirty vibes a lot of the texts were giving. He said that ask is controlling and he doesn’t want to be limited in showing affection to his friends. He then said he would "think about it" if I cut off my ex.
My ex and I dated for 5 years across middle and high school and experienced some shared trauma together because we both lived in poor and abusive homes. We broke up once I moved to a different state to go to college, but have remained friends. We don’t call, dont have long convos, don’t text provocatively obv, we just text about normal stuff like work and video games every few days, which is nice.
I feel like I may be in the wrong bc I am asking him to change the way he talks with H while I still talk to my ex. But I will point out that my ex has never sent me inappropriate photos or intimate letters while I was dating someone else.
Bf said he finds it weird to police friendships in a relationship yet he also said my ex could never come visit me, however H is coming to town in a week and he plans to visit her. This doesn’t feel equal, but bf says it’s different since H isn’t an ex.
This is really the only argument my boyfriend and I have had in our entire 2 year relationship. I just can’t tell if I’m being unreasonable or not here, and I can’t figure out the correct way to move forward with both of us happy regarding the situation. So AITAH for asking my boyfriend to change the way he talks to his friend?
If someone you loved told you they felt emotionally unsafe because of how another person was treating them (and your first response was to call them controlling) would you trust yourself in that relationship?
If your boyfriend’s standard is that emotional closeness is fine as long as there’s no sexual history, what does that imply about how seriously he takes non-sexual intimacy, including yours?
If you weren’t afraid of being called controlling, what boundary would you actually want to set?
It is ok to have friendships with the opposite gender, even with an ex if the trust is there and there is nothing suspicious going on. From what you say, your ex is more a platonic friend so it is ok, at least to me it would. However, texting a friend half naked photos and inappropriate messages is never ok. He is making a false equivalency here, and you should wonder why he is so defensive and does not want to stop sending flirty messages. NTA.
NTA. The fact that he hid the lingerie photo and the love letter from you shows that he knows what he’s doing is crossing boundaries. I consider this an egregious red flag. Can you really be in a committed relationship with someone who would hide something like that from you?
Also, trying to bargain by using your low-tier friendship with your ex is ridiculous. Just him being petty and wanting to punish you for bringing up an extremely rational concern.
I had assumed when she moved away that this would stop being an issue. However they still text a lot and there’s constant “love yous” and “mwah” and kissy face emojis and she’s still trying to control him even over text. It’s been lesser lately which is good, but I’m nervous for when she comes to town and they get together. I have also never been in a relationship with a man who is bisexual and not gay; I want to make sure I’m not being prejudiced against that in my feelings. But I do think you’re right; and the hiding the photos and pictures, even though he did eventually tell me, has been on my mind more recently.
I’m bisexual and I promise, you’re not being discriminatory here. I do think it’s normal to tell your friends that you love them, but there’s definitely a romantic edge to their relationship that I’d be uncomfortable with. Don’t forget that he only told you about the picture because he was drunk. I don’t think he would have otherwise.
If everything is platonic, there’s nothing to hide. If there’s something to hide, not everything is platonic. 🤷🏻♀️
NTA
NTA and his counter offer isn’t valid. It sounds like you have very healthy distance with your ex, and the nature of your interactions is nothing like your BF’s is with H. So his idea that you should ‘cut off’ an ex when you’re only asking him to tone down the flirtation is pretty bogus and unhelpful.
If you said “ok let’s both cut them both off” what would he say? I suspect he wouldn’t seriously entertain it. And the thing is, you’re not asking him to cut off a friendship, you’re asking that he maintain the friendship with boundaries that reflect it is platonic and respectful of his partnership with you.
I suspect your BF likes the attention from H. It’s clear he is special to her – moreso than another friend, and that might be ok if it also felt respectful to the fact that he is in a committed relationship with someone else. But it’s ok to not feel comfortable with the extent to which your BF is affectionate and flirty with another person, or his lack of willingness to shut it down out of respect for you.
They’re backup planning each other
NTA, H sounds manipulative. Your boyfriend’s reaction should’ve been supportive not dismissive. Emotional affairs are real and it sounds like H is pushing the boundaries here saying things like “you should talk to me more” I tell my friends i love you but it’s platonic, it never is followed with a kiss emoji or flirtatious hearts or whatever. Of course people can love and care for their friends but the way you’re describing isn’t normal unless that friends has deeper feelings and wants that individual as more than.
I was ready to say YTA based on the title, but that’s not the case at all. Your bf is leading her on & provoking her behavior by sending flirty texts. Staying in contact is not the same as flirting & him asking you to cut contact w your ex is not the same as what you’re asking him to do. You are NTA
Nta at all. Totally different dynamics with your ex and H by far. If your bf doesn’t care how what he is doing makes you feel and is ready to choose her then they both have feelings for each other. You don’t flirt with people like that for no reason. I would tell him there’s a difference and if he only talked to H like you do your ex you would have no issues. Stand your ground and set that boundary and bounce once he chooses her. The only reason your not setting that boundary is your scared and know he will choose her and don’t want your relationship to end I know it is tough but if you don’t it will only get worse love.
At this point, I would seriously think about dumping the boyfriend – not because his relationship with H necessarily counts as cheating (although it’s not far off), but because he lies, doesn’t prioritize your feelings, and is kind of manipulative (calling YOU controlling was absolute bullshit, as was demanding that you cut off your ex, who is NOT sending you nudes and love letters).
Even if this is the only argument you guys have ever had, the way he’s behaving doesn’t bode well for the future. Because, clearly, he cares more about what *he* wants than your feelings or comfort or sense of safety in this relationship, and is unwilling to listen, be honest, or compromise.
Either he’s attracted to her, or he likes the ego boost of being chased after, or he’s more committed to this weird psychosexual drama than he is to you, or all of the above.
H is going to he in town and he will be visiting her on his own? I know I’m jumping into conclusions, but if you’re having some issues right now, and he goes to visit her while these issues are happening. He’s probably going to vent to her about it, and she might take this as an opportunity to seduce him. 😱
I don’t think you’re necessarily TA on this situation. But it is somewhat hypocritical since you are talking to your ex still (though I I also believe you that you and your ex have strictly a platonic friendship). Seems like your boyfriend might have some insecurities with that?
Overall you are NTA.