For context: My wife 6 months pregnant. She is very fond of her family and we spend a lot of time with them. Today was her birth day. It started 4:30 AM when our 2 yo. daughter woke up and had a fit. I tried to go sleep with her on the sofa, so my wife could sleep in, but she wanted to sleep in our bed. My daughter struggled to sleep at nap time in daycare. My SIL works in the daycare and called at 2 PM to offer spending her office time with my daughter so she could sleep for 45 min., which was very nice of her.
My wife picked her up from daycare at 4 PM , and I came home at 4:30 PM with a take out pizza and gifts for my wife. My daughter was a bit grumpy but managed alright. At 5, my SIL called my wife and asked if she and her daughter could come for a short visit. It was nice with a visit. Our daughter and niece played together and had a lot of fun. At 6 PM my SIL started telling her child they were leaving soon. By 7 my MIL also came by for a short visit. SIL and niece still hadn’t left. 10 minutes later our daughter couldn’t take it anymore. She was tired and sleepy and had a complete melt down. I took her to bed and tried to calm her down, but I didn’t manage to do it. I tried for 10 minutes and she was screaming all the while. They were sitting in the living room just outside her bed room (small appartment) chatting as if nothing had happened. At 7:20 PM I exit my daughter’s room and with all the calmness I can muster say "Can we call it a day?" My wife comes into the bedroom to help our daughter. At this point I’m livid at her family for not leaving and make quite a few agressive silent gesticulations in their direction while (they couldn’t see me, but my wife could) mouthing "why can’t they just f’ing leave?". My wife told me to calm down, which they might have heard. They apparently got the hint and left pretty quickly after.
Now this is obviously not how I wanted my wife’s birthday to go, but what’s done is done. My wife cried a lot when they left and made it perfectly clear that I ruined her birthday by overreacting. I think her family ruined it by overstaying their welcome, and I said as much. She went into her room and fell asleep and I’m currently sat in the living room writing this. So reddit, am I the Asshole?
Edit: I see I’m getting a lot of YTA, which is fair. I posted this because I wanted feedback. I’ll take time to read them all. I do however want to clarify one thing. 10 minutes is a short time, but I wouldn’t normally give up after 10 minutes. I have never seen my daughter so desperate, and I honestly feel SIL and MIL were being inconsiderate. As I said it’s a small appartment and if you don’t sit in silence, there will be a lot of noise.
Edit 2: I’d also like to add this was an hour after our daughters normal bed time.
Edit 3: thanks for the feedback guys, I’ll head to bed. What I take from this is that I need to work on how I go about this stuff. I agree that I got too mad, I stand by sending them home, but I should have done it differently. I owe my wife an apology. I’d also like to say that some of you make assumptions about our household that just aren’t true.
YTA. You let your annoyance drive behavior that was unfair and rude to both your wife and your guests. It sounds like this is not necessarily the norm, and that the visits were in part due to your wife’s bday, and that she was happy to see them. You ended a gathering your wife was enjoying, and I think that was unfair, on her birthday.
Trying for 10 minutes to get a tired toddler to sleep isn’t all that much in my experience. Are you normally so quick to need help from your wife?
Rather than just swallow your anger, explain to your wife in private that you were feeling worn out and worried your daughter would not settle, you behaved like a child with your ‘silent gesticulations’ and made things very awkward for her. You owe her an apology.
I was about to agree that toddler exhaustion trumps guests, but then I realized that first of all, the timeline makes very little sense unless you spent less than 10 minutes trying to calm down your daughter (MIL only comes over at 7, and you took your daughter upstairs to sleep 10 minutes later, and asked to call it a day at 7:20…), but also – isn’t there a middle ground of “hey, guys, can we keep it a bit quieter for the next 10 minutes so that I can get \[daughter\] down?”. Most people would either quiet down, or take it as a polite hint to start wrapping up, without you getting “livid”. YTA.
YTA
Over the top, childish reaction from you. You could have asked them to be a little quieter so you could get your daughter to sleep. 10 mins isn’t that long btw so I wouldn’t say you actually tried. You messed up your wife’s birthday by being selfish.
I’d recommend taking some parenting classes so you don’t continue to be woefully inept at basic skills, like putting a toddler to bed or how to negotiate not waking mom up at 4:30am on her birthday because that’s what the toddler wanted.
YTA
YTA. She wanted to see her family for her birthday. You don’t get to decide how long they’re welcome and then blame them for your terrible reaction.
YTA
You were frustrated your daughter wouldn’t settled down and took it out on your in-laws.
What did you want them to do when your daughter was having a fit? Kids have temper tantrums.
YTA. Hey wife, are you good if I ask them to call it night so we can get daughter to bed? Then, hey fam, I need to get daughter to bed, she’s obviously melting down. Thanks for coming by.
Plus multiple suggestions for not letting your 4-year-old run the house.
YTA Wow. You tried for (checks notes) 10 WHOLE MINUTES to get your daughter ready for bed. And then rushed your wife’s family out the door. And I guess expected your wife to put your daughter to bed. Also – did you get your wife a birthday cake- or was the pizza the big treat? Man.
YTA because (1) 7:20pm isn’t that late for birthday visits (if you said 11:20pm okay fine then you would have a point, but 7:20pm you’ve got nothing), (2) 10 minutes of you trying to console your daughter isn’t long enough to justify you reaching boiling point, and (3) one of the people you were rude to (your sister in law) happens to work at your daughter’s daycare and went over and above the call of duty to try and give your daughter her daily nap
YTA – amongst the other points made here, not once did you mention whether or not your wife wanted her family to leave or not. In that moment, you only thought about yourself.
INFO- what exactly was so bothersome that you were livid at her family? That your wife had family over on her birthday while you were struggling to get your toddler to go to bed and they witnessed you failing to do this? Or was it that you needed your wife to do this job for you and she was paying attention to her family on her birthday instead? Was it that no one, including you, cared about getting her to bed at a decent hour until she melted down? I understand being frustrated when your kid has had a rough day and won’t go to bed, but her family did not cause that. Help me understand here…
You just decided that your wife’s family should leave *without even asking her*, and then you got “livid” with her?
YTA – completely.
YTA. Both you and your 2 year old had meltdowns. Thing is, the kid can’t help it; you can .. you just didn’t. This is stressful side of parenting that is no fun for anyone. Little kids get ungodly fussy, and it’s hell on everyone. But you need to do a better job controlling your own reactions. Passive aggressive gesticulating and mounting shitty comments to your wife helps absolutely no one. You and your wife need to be a team. “Honey, she’s really not going down for sleep … I think we need to tag-team this one” — and then when your wife comes into the room, that’s when you calmly suggest that the visit should end so you can both get the kid to bed. But also, dude, it was your wife’s birthday. Did she get to enjoy any of it? You owe her a birthday do-over.
Your 6 month pregnant wife got woken up at 4.30 am on her birthday because you have no authority with your daughter. Your wife got a blast of your anger on her birthday because you can’t control your daughter. You can’t distract with a book? A story? A game? You have another child on the way. You need to learn to regulate your emotions so you do not lose it over a 10 tantrum and take it out on your wife. YTA.