Hi reddit, I’m not sure how to properly write this so I’ll just say some background and go straight into it. My boyfriend (33) and I (29F) have been together for 7 years now. Our relationship has always been open with communication and give the other some space when we know we need some time to cool off from an argument. We have no problem with calling each other out when we don’t like something and have an easy time talking it out. Another thing to add is my boyfriend has 2 kids and I do not have kids. I have a very close relationship with them and we all get along very well. He has joint custody and we get them on weekends. For the majority of the time, I usually will wake up first and get breakfast started to just have some time to myself for the day and I prefer it since I’d rather have an empty kitchen while I cook. This is where we get into the problem. This morning we both must’ve been exhausted and slept longer than usual so the kids woke up before us, which isn’t an issue because they know if they need something they can always wake us up. The issue is that I instantly wanted to make sure they had breakfast since they had been up for an hour already. I started breakfast and figured I’d get things done faster if I had some help. I go to ask my boyfriend to help me and he stares at me with a blank expression and says “well what do you need help with?” and I just turned around and said forget it. He came into the kitchen asking what my problem was and I just said that I feel like I shouldn’t be given a follow up question when you should want to get up and make sure they’re fed too. He started to get upset and argue with me saying I shouldn’t even argue with the kids with us (they were in another room away from us) and I’m telling him that I didn’t argue. I said okay forget it and left. He followed me to the kitchen to question what my issue was. I told him it’s pathetic I should even ask for help when hes never offered to even see if I need it. Again, I have no issues with making them food by myself. My only reason for being irritated is the fact that it’s the only time I’m asking for help and it shouldn’t even be a situation where you’re questioning what I even need help with? So reddit, am I wrong for being upset?
YTA. Me personally when someone asks me for help I ask “with what?” so I can get a clear objective of what I’m doing so I can execute it properly. I don’t think your bf had any bad intentions. I think that you started the argument by getting irritated right away, this could have been handled without arguing especially around the children.
OP also literally says that they *prefer* having the kitchen to themselves and having that “me time” in the morning. So it’s really bizzarre for them to abruptly Uno Reverse and immediately get agitated with their partner for him not psychically intuiting that *this* time was different from every other time.
You seem miserable.
YTA, you seem like there was another issue and you were looking for a reason to show your anger/aggravation. Why not just answer the question rather than call names?
“ok forget it”, seems needlessly rude imo .. if usually he doesnt make breakfast, why is it a problem that he asks what you need help with? you’re honestly displaying behaviour i, as a woman, always think is annoying that guys can imply ‘all women’ do, you’re expecting him to read your mind. You ask for help, he says with what, you go “forget it”?? why? and then calling him pathetic? yes that’s awful, it seems like you dont see you’re escalating a perfectly normal situation
YTA
In the beginning of the post you said you prefer to be in the kitchen and cook alone that is why you get up early. If you have made that clear to BF by asking him to leave the kitchen. Then you asking for help in the kitchen is a contradiction and therefore him asking for clarification is justified. You could have been asking him to keep the kids out of the kitchen while you cooked, you could have been asking him to wash dishes, or you could have been asking him to do the cooking.
If you don’t like people helping you cook (a reasonable boundary) then they are going to ask for clarification when you ask them to break the boundary you set. Your BF not a mind reader he doesn’t know “what help me make breakfast.” Means.
So YTA ask for what you want specifically. If you want help chopping vegetables say “please chop the vegetables.” Or “please make breakfast fot the kids this morning.” Ect… why do some people think other people are mind readers they are not and you can’t get mad at someone for not mind reading.
YTA
“Well what do you need help with?” Is a reasonable way to figure out what he should do to help.
I’m not sure what the problem is.
If you have a deeper problem with the dynamic then you should address it.
Even my wife said your YTA someone who apparently doesn’t cook asking what do you need them to do makes logical sense you saying yall can communicate and work things out sounds like bull dookie
YTA. They aren’t your kids and your boyfriend can’t read your mind. The kids will let you know if they need food. Control freak.
INFO: how old are his kids? I assume noticeably older than 7. Why can’t they make themselves some cereal or eggs?
YTA because if you don’t want to be specific, then you can tell him to cook breakfast in a way that suits him. “Helping” implies you have a plan for the meal. If you resent him for sleeping in and not being proactive about hot food for his children, you’re allowed to be honest with yourself about it.
“…it’s the only time I’m asking for help and it shouldn’t even be a situation where you’re questioning what I even need help with”
Do you never ask for help to avoid being disappointed? It seems like you’re disappointed anyways so you’re not risking anything by asking for help more often and getting better at asking for help over time.
It sounds like you resent his behavior more than you’re acknowledging or communicating. It also sounds like maybe you woke him up, which would explain his moment of confused “what are you talking about?” since you’ve said you usually DON’T want him in the kitchen.
YTA you need to communicate what’s making you upset.
YTA
He’s not a mind reader, do you need help making breakfast, do you need him to drive out and get something, do you need him to change laundry over, there’s a million possible things that you could have needed help with.
I’m sure that if he just started doing something in the kitchen you’d get mad that he was in the way.
YTA
Feeling frustrated about needing help is understandable, but calling your boyfriend pathetic was harsh and unnecessary. He asked a clarifying question instead of immediately jumping in, which is not a serious offense. The way you expressed your irritation escalated a small situation into a personal attack, which is unfair and damaging in a partnership.