My gf and I have been on and off for about 2 years. We are in a good place right now and I am getting excited about the holidays. I always pride myself on being a good gift giver and this year I am excited because I figured out what to get. I like to do a big gift and then a small gift for my loved ones but this year she confided in me that she lost her gold Gemini Necklace, silver double heart necklace and custom waist beads while in her car, on trips Etc. I was going to get her another jewelry item of some kind on top of her big gift but we were on the phone recently and I made a joke about how she keeps losing the ones I get her and she went off. One thing she said that perplexed me was “they wouldn’t have broke if they weren’t cheaply made”, which I took as a bit of an insult. She said that she poured love into the jewelry by wearing it all the time and that those kinds of things are bound to get lost and didn’t appreciate me making a joke about it. I felt it was obvious that I was joking but she texted me that “teasing is an act of hatred” and that she refused to be “teased in my relationship”. I admit that I got angry and ended up scolding her, saying that “I joke about everything” and that I felt that I was “allowed to tease” her because at the end of the day, it was my gift to give. She started the argument by saying it was “classless to joke about”.
For more clarification, the tease I said was “yeah you keep losing them” in a joking tone, but after two years I figured she’d know that I wasn’t being serious even after the clarification . She claimed that “there’s always truth to a joke” Am I the asshole?
Soft YTA.
Your joke may have been lighthearted to you, but it clearly hit a sore spot for her. Losing sentimental items can come with guilt or sadness, and teasing—even mild—can feel dismissive of that. When she said she didn’t appreciate it, that was your cue to drop the joke, not double down by saying you’re “allowed” to tease because you bought the gift. Intent matters, but impact matters more. Her reaction may sound intense, but your response escalated things. A simple acknowledgment like “I didn’t mean to hurt you” would’ve gone a long way.
I agree that I should’ve just said I” didn’t mean to hurt you” that’s definitely what I should’ve said, my biggest issue was that I said “I’m sorry, I won’t joke about that again” but her rant kept going to the point where I felt like she was beating a dead horse.
YTA
“Ended up scalding her”
This is never ever the response when somebody you care for gets upset with something you said.
I always say it’s fine to joke around as long as everyone finds it funny. Once a joke doesn’t land and someone is upset it’s time to apologize. Insisting that you’re “allowed to tease her” definitely makes YTA. You’re not allowed to tease someone if they are not amused.
ESH
She’s projecting and lashing out because she feels called out for losing things that you gave her. That’s not something that’s just “bound to get lost” it’s not taking care of things.
You are also TA because you don’t know yet after two years how to read your gf or social cues. You were reasonably annoyed that she had lost the things and you could have said nothing and just not gotten her jewelry or had an adult conversation about ways to help her not lose things if you want to keep getting her jewelry. But you decided to choose violence and use a very un-subtle dig instead.
I guess what makes this interaction different is that it’s the first time this has happened. I am definitely a jokester and I was saddened when I first heard that the gifts got lost but I wasn’t burdened, I think in retrospect she already feels bad and I shouldve taken that into account before i made the joke.
I guess I don’t get what the joke is cause she actually did lose the jewelry . You were rightfully sad about that and she obviously feels bad about losing ur gifts, so how was any of that funny. Just seems like he went out of your way to point out a mistake shes made.
And also like did the jewelry actually break while she was wearing it and because it broke off, it was been lost or did she misplaced it after she took it off voluntarily at some point cause that’s a very big difference to me. If she took it off and then couldn’t find it that’s all on her as she’s not being responsible for her jewelry, but if it’s breaking off while she’s wearing it and then it’s lost because she doesn’t notice its come off of her, that is not quite the same, and that could definitely be an issue of craftsmanship (Unless it’s like super fine jewelry and she’s wearing it to the gym and to do strenuous activities ) .
YTA.
I think you need to ask yourself why it’s so hard to listen to her and stop behaving this way. This isn’t an argument you need to ‘win’, it’s a simple situation where your behaviour upsets her and you need to cut it out.
‘I admit that I got angry and ended up scolding her, saying that “I joke about everything” and that I felt that I was “allowed to tease” her because at the end of the day, it was my gift to give.’
Why is it so hard to respect her and treat her how she’s asking to be treated? Don’t buy her jewellery if you’re going to hold it over her head like this.
“I admit that I got angry and ended up scolding her” so YTA obviously. You feel you’re “allowed” to tease her, joke about it and scald her just because it was something you bought? You need to grow up.
Esh, you need to ask yourself why you make the jokes. My guess would be : the fact that she looses gift you pour time and money into annoys you. For you it shows she doesn’t care about you since she doesn’t take care of precious things you give her.
But you need to express your feelings in a healthier way. On the other side she’s careless with precious items and refuse to admit responsability when confronted so yeah talk guys as a team not as a fight !