I recently decided that I wanted to shift in buying experience presents instead of material gifts as kids have so many toys it seems.
Over the last couple years, every time my nephew (6 years old) is at my house he always wants to play on my piano or requests that I play for him.
I thought it might be nice for his birthday to buy him piano lessons for the year at our local conservatory. I asked his parents if they were ok with this and I offered to drive him to and from lessons as well as gave my extra keyboard for him to practice on. I made it clear to his parents that I didn’t care if he wasn’t interested past the year, but if he wanted to continue that I would continue to pay the tuition. It was more to provide that opportunity to him, he is the perfect age to start, and he genuinely seems to love music. Edit to say: they both said they were ok with this gift prior to be gifting it
Of course my nephew was thrilled when he got the gift.
But after the party, I got a text from my SIL basically saying that I need to back off and that I had no right to infringe on how they want to raise their child and dictate what programs they are involved in and that if I want to put a child in music, I ought to have a child myself. She further went on to say that if I really cared about the rearing of their child and their wishes, that I would have purchased tuition to skating lessons as they want their boy to play hockey.
I haven’t yet responded because I don’t know what to say. I am afraid of making things worse.
I suppose in some sense, yes, I picked piano lessons, because I myself am a musician and that is the world I am familiar with. But I also considered how much my nephew loves playing on the piano when he is over. And, yes, I knew that his parents wanted him to play hockey, because that is what they both played as kids. But I figured it wouldn’t be a bad thing for him to have many opportunities to try different things. I mean growing up, I did music, skating, swimming, ballet, field hockey and all at fairly high levels. It was all part of being a well-rounded person. And further, I didn’t want to take away the parents special moment in signing him up for hockey/skating lessons themselves.
IDK I’m just wondering from other parents here if I’ve done something wrong. I don’t have kids myself, so perhaps I have overstepped. I certainly wasn’t trying to take something away from them or push their child into a path.
I don’t know where to go from here.
Obviously NTA
SIL is projecting some weird insecurities onto you
NTA:
>as they want their boy to play hockey
Sounds like someone trying to live vicariously through their kid. Has the kid ever asked you to play hockey with him? Or does he ask you to play piano with him? To hell with what his mom wants. If both his parents played hockey, they should be able to teach him to skate on their own. The basics of skating at 6 years old don’t require paid lessons, and playing piano doesn’t prevent one from skating.
NTA. They said they were OK with it. If they had a problem with it the moment to say so was when you actually asked if they were OK with it.
NTA…You sought their approval first. They said yes. Was there maybe some lack of communication between your nephew’s parents? Otherwise their reaction is puzzling.
NTA that’s really odd…why would they say it is ok, and then react like that? i think it’s a nice gift for a kid that shows interest in music.
NTA I get the feeling that the kid is way more excited about piano than skating now, and SIL is looking for someone to blame for her child not being interested in the things she prefers.
I think your nephew is more interested in music than playing hockey. your sil doesn’t like it and so is blaming you.
NTA. You asked, they agreed. Now what? They’re changing their minds why? What’s really going on?
That’d be my reply message: I asked you this, you agreed with it, now what has changed?
SIL may have been hoping that OP didn’t remember getting permission in advance and would feel guilty enough to pay for all the hockey gear and lessons and drive him back and forth?
NTA.
She’s jealous that her son was so happy.
Hahaha, came here to say exactly this!
OP did the right thing and asked his parents. They were fine with until they likely saw him bounce of the walls excited when he received it.
There could also be a slight undertone of gender bias going on. Music being a ‘feminine’ pursuit vs sports being ‘masculine.’
It’s a bunch of bullshit but they could be worried he’ll shun their beloved hockey if he ends up loving piano. And heaven forfend become less masculine.
ETA: NTA
NTA. As a mother, I would be absolutely THRILLED if someone was willing to pay for music lessons for my kid. Your nephew is clearly excited. It was thoughtful of you, especially how you offered to take him to and from the lessons and continue paying for them. That’s huge! Also, you talked to them beforehand. I wonder if they privately had a conversation later changing their minds 🤔. Maybe they are feeling insecure that you would have such a momentous thing to bond over without them being really involved. Thus, the hockey.
So to be clear: you asked his parents if you could buy him lessons. They said yes. You bought him the lessons. Now they’re mad. How does that make you the AH?
Was it both parents, or just SIL?
NTA – I’d just say “oh, I’m incredibly sorry, when you said you were ok with the gift, I assumed that meant you were ok with the gift. How would you like to proceed?”